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Ed's lame jokes page!
Top Ten Blonde Jokes EVER
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10.Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
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9.The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
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8.A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,
"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"
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7. A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
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6.Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
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5.Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
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4. A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
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3.A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,
"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
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2.A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."
Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
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1.A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
One blonde can make a difference!
She was tired of everyone thinking that blondes were stupid, and she didn't like all these jokes. To end the injustice, she decided to prove to the world that she was smart.
In order to prove herself, she chose to memorize the capital of every American state. It wasn't an easy task, but she was determined and eventually managed to do it.
A few days later she was in a bar, and heard a couple of men laughing at a blonde joke. This was the perfect opportunity to start righting all the wrongs that had been done to blondes in the past - she would set these men straight!
Marching over at a rapid pace she announced,
"It isn't true that all blondes are stupid, and I will prove it. Just ask me the capital of any American state, and I will tell you what it is."
Although a little surprised, the men did challenge her and asked,
"Ok, how about Arizona?"
The Blonde, after pausing for a moments thought, proudly gave the answer,
"A"!
Stupid Mother
There was a red head, a brunette, and a blonde talking about their children. The red head said, "I am so dissappointed in my daughter. I walked into her room the other day and found a package of cigarettes on the ground ... I can't believe she smokes."
The brunette said, "I know exactly how you feel. I walked into my daughter's closet the other day and found an empty vodka bottle ... I can't believe she drinks."
Then the blonde said, "I know exactly what both of you are talking about. I walked into MY daughter's room and found an empty condom wrapper on the ground ... I can't believe she has a penis."
Q: What goes ha, ha, ha, plop?
A: Someone laughing their head off!
Q: What has no beginning, no end, and nothing in the middle?
A: A doughnut!
Q: What always ends everything?
A: The letter 'G'!
Q: What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
A: Look round!
Q: To whom do people always take off their hats?
A: Hairdressers!
Q: Why do you always find things in the last place you look?
A: Because when you have found it you stop looking!
Q: Why do you always walk with the right foot first?
A: Because when you put one foot forward the other is always left behind!
Q: What always falls without getting hurt?
A: Rain!
Q: What word is always pronounced wrong?
A: Wrong!
Q: What is full of holes yet can still hold water?
A: A sponge!
Q: What happens after a dry spell?
A: It rains!
Q: Which is the fastest, cold or heat?
A: Heat; you can catch a cold!
Teacher: Mike, stop showing off. Do you think you are the teacher of this class?
Mike: No, Miss.
Teacher: Then stop acting the fool!
Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and ships!
Q: How do electric eels taste?
A: Shocking!
Supplied by, Chloe Cook aged 10.
Q: What is Father Christmas's wife called
A: Mary Christmas!
Supplied by Amrik Gill, Manchester. aged 10.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Spice Girl with a Takeaway?
A: Egg Fried Spice!
Supplied by Matthew Nesbitt, Newton Abbey, aged 9
Q: Where do spiders play football?
A: Webley!
Supplied by Sandeep Herard, Birmingham.
Q: Why is it hard to play cards in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs!
Supplied by Jabeen Akhtan, West Yorkshire.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish?
A: Swimming Trunks!
Supplied by Samuel Long.
Q: What do you give an injured lemon?
A: Lemonade!
Supplied by Vikaash Patel, Leicester.
Q: Why did the boy take a pencil to bed?
A: Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
Supplied by Vinette Browne, Welwyn Garden City.
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter ?
A: I can't tell you because you will spread it.
From, The Beeching's in Australia.
Q: WHAT DID THE LION SAY WHEN HE SAW THE KID ON HIS SKATE BOARD?
A: MEALS ON WHEELS
From, Jenny Cree.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea (no eyed deer)
From, TRom15@aol.com
Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken foot.
From, Andrew in Adelaide.
Q: Which side of a hen has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
Q: If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left?
A: None were left! All the rest were copy cats!
From, Elizabeth Clinton aged 9 in Brisbane, Australia.
Q: What part of grapes is most explosive?
A: Wine a mite!
From Brian Clinton in Brisbane, Australia
Q: Which meringues always come back?
A: Boomerangs
Q: Why did the cook hunt his eggs ?
A: Because he liked them poached!
Q: What is tall,sweet and french ?
A: The trifle tower!
From Frazer Clinton (the cricket fan)aged 10 in Brisbane, Australia
Q: Where were lemons first found?
A: In a tree!
Q: Where was the Queen of England crowned?
A: On her head!
From Elizabeth Clinton aged 8, Brisbane, Australia.
Q: What's black and white and green and black and white?
A: Two Zebras fighting over a pickle.
Q: What did one penny say to the other penny?
A: If we get together, we could make some cents.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He had no guts.
Q: What did the snail say when he got a ride on a turtle?
A: WEEEEEEEEE.
From: Jimmy Stigers age 10, Chico, California.
Q: Why did the mummy go to jail?????
A: becase he had a bum wrap!!!!!
From Megan
Q: Simon can you spell yourname backwards?
A: nomis!
From Laura Ody age9 Swindon.
Q: What do you call a cammal with three humps?
A: humphy!
From Connie.
Q: What did the glove say to the ball?
A: Catch ya later! lolololol
From Tyler Dow age 7 Niagara Falls Ont.
Q: How do you stop fish from smelling?
A: Cut their noses off.
From Kevin.
Q: What's black and white?
A: a newspaper!
Q: what time do you go to the dentist?
A: tooth-hurty!
From Butch.
There was a French man, English man and a stupid man.
The French man caught a rabbit, so the English man said:
"How did you catch it?"
The French man replied:
"I followed the tracks and I caught a rabbit."
So then the English man caught a moose, and the stupid man said:
"How did you get that?"
The English man replied:
"I followed the tracks and I caught a moose."
Then the stupid man comes back and the French man and the English man said:
"What happened to you.?"
The stupid man replied:
"I followed the tracks and I got hit by a train!!!!!!!!"
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born!
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Junior: You said it was my lunch money.
Silvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Silvia: Your name on this report card.
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
She just said, "Thank goodness!"
The lifeguard at the public swimming pool approaches little Johnny. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
A boy comes home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u means 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"
A physician was taking her 4-year-old daughter to preschool. The little girl picked up the stethoscope, which the doctor had left on the car seat, and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
"Are you sure this money was lost?" the mother asked her son when he showed her the ten-dollar bill he'd found.
"Of course I'm sure!" he shot back. "I even saw the man looking for it!"
LAME
Toy Trunk Railroad by Erik Sansom
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