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RELATIONSHIPS - GIFTS FROM GOD
by Gordon Abbo
When you first fall in love there is an intense feeling of well-being, a feeling of being one with your partner, which parallels the early stage of infancy, where the infant feels a sense of oneness with the mother. You also feel on top of the world and feel willing to do anything for your lover, which parallels the early toddler stage of feeling omnipotent in exploring the world. But then there's also a feeling of not being able to stand being apart from your lover, which parallels the stage of separation anxiety in the young child. You may regard your partner as being all good and can do no wrong, so you overlook your partner's flaws. This corresponds to the early childhood stage where one sees things in an all-or-none and either-or fashion. But eventually, reality sets in and you become aware that you and your lover have separate needs and wants, and you become aware of each other's faults. Here's where the initial aura of perfect romance wears off and both of you have to make an effort to make the relationship work.
It is here, where we must examine our reasons for establishing a relationship. All too often, relationships are entered into for the wrong reasons. Problems arise when partners have certain expectations of one another, especially when the expectation is that your partner is supposed to make you complete and feel happy. When this occurs, the potential for failure is set up. If your partner treats you well then you feel alright, but when your partner doesn't live up to your expectations you feel angry and upset. Therefore, in this case, you give your power away to your partner and let him or her determine how you feel about yourself, or you let your partner define who you are, which is based on his or her expectations and may not be who you really are.
Relationships can be used as a futile attempt to satisfy unresolved psychological issues and these cases are not based on love. For example, consider a relationship between a controlling, abusive man and a woman with low self-esteem. The man is jealous and possessive, and has to control every aspect of her life, for fear that she will cheat on him. He won't let her have any independence for fear that she might leave him. This man has a sense of such low self-worth that he feels unlovable and is afraid the woman will reject him and leave. His control and oppression over her is his attempt to prevent from being abandoned. The woman, on the other hand, feels insecure, and is afraid to leave him, for fear that she won't be able to take care of herself. She will put up with his abuse, thinking that it is better to at least have someone than to be alone. Ironically, if she does gain self-esteem and becomes independent, she won't put up with her man and will leave him. His worst fears will now be confirmed as a self-fulfilling prophecy. And so, he works hard to ensure that this never happens with her.
Now, relationships serve a vital purpose in our life's journey and spiritual development. In Conversations With God, Book 1, by Neale Donald Walsch, relationships are described as a means of getting to know who you really are. It is through your relationship with other people that you exist as a knowable entity in the world. You are what you are relative to something else that is not you, and every experience and encounter with others are used to construct who you are. The purpose of a relationship, according to Walsch, "is to decide what part of yourself you'd like to see 'show up,' not what part of another you can capture and hold ... to be and decide Who You Really Are." Also, "the purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you; but to have another with whom you might share your completeness."
This is profound and brings up an important point, which is that relationships are gifts from God, given to us to facilitate our spiritual growth. The place to start is with the most important relationship of all, your relationship with yourself, for it is this relationship on which all other relationships are based. This is because relationships serve as mirrors, where others reflect various aspects of our personalities, and we can learn a lot about ourselves by looking at the kind of people we have relationships with. When we experience a relationship that is positive, that person is mirroring positive aspects of ourselves, and when we experience a negative relationship, that person mirrors something negative within us. The relationship is a gift to you that enables you to take a look at yourself, and to know more about your relationship with yourself, that is, how you feel about yourself. Thus, it can help you improve your relationship with yourself, by giving you the opportunity to look at yourself and decide if something needs changing. So, look at any relationship, good or bad, as a learning experience.
Whether you wish to change something about yourself is up to you. If you decide not to change you will continue to attract the same kind of relationships according to your core beliefs about yourself, and if they are negative, you will perpetuate a pattern of unpleasant relationships, until you decide to change something within yourself. When you do, you empower yourself and you are the one who defines who you want to be.
When you have a good relationship with yourself, that is, you feel good about who you are and feel complete from within, you will project positive energy and attract positive relationships. These people will mirror the positive attributes within you. You won't depend on others to bring you happiness because the happiness comes from within you. Also, you will be in a position to share your completeness with another, and to extend love and respect to others, because you feel love and respect for yourself.
The big question is, how do we get to the point of feeling good about ourselves and feeling whole from within? This might involve therapy and spiritual healing to resolve any past psychological issues and false programs that led to poor self-esteem. But it also involves establishing a relationship with God, through the God within you. Going within by meditating is one way to connect with your inner divine nature, and when you do, you feel connected with your source and the unconditional love and peace that emanates from it. This then, leads to feeling happy and whole from within. Getting to this point involves going through a variety of experiences, and relationships are gifts from God that can help us get there.
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