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Forgiveness In My Life
-by Rev.Omar Khayyam Yeldell
1. To pardon or absolve
2. To stop being angry about or resentful against.
3. To relieve from payment of.
- Riverside Webster's ll Dictionary
Our first topic was on Love and Fear and in my article I wrote about a meeting I had with my parents and one of my brothers. A meeting where forgiveness was the topic.
I would like to briefly share with you, events throughout my life, leading up to the lesson I learned from the meeting concerning forgiveness.
My childhood consists of many sad memories which revolve around abuse. Mainly physical abuse which brings with it mental, emotional, as well as spiritual abuse. I can recall beatings my mother afflicted upon me that went well beyond discipline. There were times when I was awaken from my sleep with a beating. I never knew why I was singled out from my other siblings. I did know however, as she often times pointed out sarcastically, that I reminder her of my dad.
I had witnessed my dad beating her on several occasions. It would feel like someone was ripping out my heart and trampling on it. The screaming, the blood, the tears, the threats...I remember it all.
After their divorce, the beatings from my mother continued. I'm not trying to say that I didn't deserve punishment for disobeying her, or disrespecting her on several occasions...but even in those incidents the beatings went on longer then they should have. I knew without a shadow of doubt that I loved her more than anyone...and she knew this too. So why the abuse?
As I grew older, the lesson which was beat into me began emerging. Beat those you love. The more you beat them, the more you love them. This is the lesson I practiced on my brother, who at the time was my only true friend. I would beat him up, break his toys, anything to drive him to tears, screams, threats...I also fought with my older sister as if we were imitating our parents...
I knew within me there was something wrong. Something ugly...it was as if I had become a monster. When I was twelve I ranaway from my mom's house to live with my dad. I lived with him until I was about sixteen. Throughout those years, I began realizing a fear I had of him. I viewed him as someone capable of snapping and physically hurting anyone. Things between him and I changed drastically the day he threatened to physically break every finger on my hands. A threat I took seriously.
At this point I moved back with my mother and within time picked up where I left off with abusing not just one, but all of my siblings. My mom threatened to send me away...and that's when I knew I needed help. I wrote to my dad and spoke to my mom about the anger in me. I was asking them for help. My letter to my dad went unanswered and my mom denied ever abusing me. This totally screwed me up because this meant I was only to blame.
Due to a hurricane, we all moved up north to stay with friends of the family. I was in my final year of high school and I remember one day my mom calling all of us downstairs, she had something to say. She then proceeded to admit she abused me. At the time, it did nothing for me...because I had spent so many years believing the abuse I was causing was all my fault.
It was after my family moved back down south; I stayed working and living with a friend of mine; that I began realizing that I was capable of loving and being loved. The whole process of meeting people...developing
friendships...relationships..helped me realize that I was capable of loving and being loved without the abuse. It was an awakening like no other. Finally, love had touched my life untainted.
I returned to my family a different person...a loving person. But I wanted to show them this newfound loving experience. How could I, when all they remember is the monster? I began with my actions...I reached out again to both my parents and this time things went a little different. It was different because I now knew what I had been denied growing up and who was responsible. and the fact that I knew this and yet was not angry...confused them..scared them.
Conversation with my dad, who at this point, I hadn't seen in years..refused to let me visit him..infact asked me to think of him as dead. He also began admitting to some of the abuse he afflicted upon me. He told me of an incident when he was alone with me. I was just a baby in the crib wining like most babies do. And to shut me up ..he began pinching me all over my body.
In many conversations with my mom about the abuse..she just remained silent, but I could see in her eyes tremendous guilt and sorrow. It took a lot of patience, a lot of reaching out in love, and above all, God's help to bring us all together for the meeting in Philadelphia.
At the meeting I asked for forgiveness from my dad for stealing money from him, for being ashamed to walk in school with him, for disrespecting him. I asked my mom to forgive me for hurting her in any way, for breaking her rules, for disrespecting her. At which point she reached over a gave me a hug and said..you were a good son. When she sat back down...I turned to my brother and asked for his forgiveness. I told him the relationship we had was ruined because of my abuse toward him...and that it cost me not just a brother, but my best friend.
At that point I was definitely in tears....I don't even remember any of there reactions....I just remember a tremendous amount of weight being lifted from my heart...
It'll be a year in May since we met. I have written to the three of them..spoke with them on the phone...about meeting again...this time with more family members...
No one has written me back as of yet. I took this to mean several things...
What forgiveness means to me and how it affects me...does not necessarily work the same or mean the same for someone else. In talking with my mom after the meeting, I asked her why she didn't say much to my dad, other than Jesus Christ is her savior and that everything that happened is in the past. She said that was how she felt. I then asked her if she would meet again ...this time with more family members..she said no. She said she had a choice whether or not she wanted to be there.
She was right. Forgiveness starts with a choice and that choice, differs for everyone.
Some choices:
Do you love yourself enough to forgive those that have wronged you?
Or would you rather carry grudges that will surely stunt your own spiritual growth?
Can you forgive as well as forget? (2. To stop being angry or resentful against)
Or would you rather keep the memory of the pain alive as a reminder..just in case the individual decides to wrong you again..you can always say "I knew you weren't sincere..I knew you didn't truly change".
Are you willing to push pride, ego, as well as ignorance aside, and ask those you have wronged for forgiveness?
Or would you rather walk around either rattled with guilt or filled with fleeting self righteousness?
Forgiveness is often times viewed as a sign of weakness or guilt. We need to change this perception. Asking or receiving forgiveness is a sign of maturity. A sign of love for yourself. In realizing this as individuals..forgiveness can then spring from the individual to strengthen relationships..families..communities...and so forth...even nations. A nation asking for forgiveness....imagine that.
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