My Relationship With Myself

What I often hear when I refer to self love and respecting and honoring one's self is that this is egocentric or narcissistic behavior. When we have high self esteem or regard for self, some people think this is selfish. There is a big difference between self centeredness and being centered in self, although self centeredness is really a good thing. It is just that it's current popular connotation leads one to believe being self centered means to not care about others, rather one's self more. Having said all this, I would like to say that it is, indeed, extremely important to honor, respect, revere, cater to and love yourself. Women, especially, who are nurturers by nature, are taught to and programmed to give and do for others without regard to themselves. Everyone comes first. It does have to be this way, to a certain extent, with small children, however, as you are doing for your children, it is important to take breaks and time outs and do things for and by one's self. My personal relationship with myself, has changed through the years. I used to feel so guilty doing anything for myself, like I was being selfish if I didn't make sure everyone in the family's needs were taken care of before my own. You can create a very powerful codependency with this one. Your husband comes to expect more and more of you, and somehow you come to feel less and less worthy if he isn't happy, and you think it is because you do not do enough to make him happy. So a vicious cycle of repression and guilt begin. Ideally, when children are born, we should go outside with them, be peaceful and calm. Calmly take care of your children's needs and be in the moment and make a meditation out of it, so when we are looking after the needs of the weaker ones, we are rejuvenating ourselves. Back to the relationship with myself. I used to do for others before myself. My personal background is having been born to a mother who felt empty and somehow relied on me to make her happy. I can remember taking on this role from day one. If I didn't relieve her of her depression or hurt feelings, then I would be called selfish and she often called me a taker and not a giver. I carried these false beliefs about myself for years. Then I met my first husband, who for some strange reason, continued this saga for me. They say you marry your parents. I couldn't do enough for him. I remember when we just had a baby, I was working a full time job and I was just done cooking and cleaning up after dinner, and sat down in the chair with a big heavy sigh, and he looked at me and said, hm... can you do this and such for me?" And if I didn't comply but continued to rest, he would call me selfish. At one point, I had to stop and ask myself why I am constantly doing for others and still getting called selfish. I came to the conclusion, that as long as I was getting accused of this, I may as well just start doing more things for myself and treating myself better. With the peace of mind and clarity that came from me finally finding time to myself, meditating, long hot bubble baths, walks in the park, movies, facials, massages, I was able to evaluate and assess my situation with more mental clarity, and was able to make some decisions that actually were in the best interest of my loved ones- better than the one's I was making while giving pieces of myself away. Although I wasn't raised Christian, I believe that the Christian ethic is very strong in this country, to do for others and to make others happy before yourself. Not once, to my understanding, when reading the bible, do we make the connection that taking care of others means being complete yourself, first, otherwise we really take care of no one. Somehow we are supposed to magically know how to do for others and be totally happy with it and love every minute of doing unto others. What I think we fail to read into "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you," is that we need to do unto ourselves as a prerequisite for knowing what we want to be doing unto others. How can we treat others well if we don't know how to do it for ourselves, and on the same note, how can we love another if we do not love ourselves? Here is an example that hits home to me about what I am talking about. How can you run a nice hot bubble bath for someone to relax in if you haven't run one for yourself first, and do it without resenting not having been able to luxuriate in one of those, yourself? I find that I am so much more able to give, empathize, love, cherish, care for, admire, respect and honor others if I am an adherent of doing these things for myself first. It isn't selfish at all doing for yourself the things you want to do for others. Because with the peace of mind and respect you are maneuvering from, you can give these things from the best of yourself, and you are able to give so much more, so authentically without expectations. If you are giving yourself away, more times than not, you are expecting something in return from the person you are giving to, since you are coming from an unfilled place of your own. Believe it or not, the more you pamper yourself, and make sure your needs are met and learn that it is up to you to find inner happiness and love, the oh so much more you can give to others, plus you will not have that expectation of having this returned residing in your mind. It is not healthy to give with expectations, otherwise you do not put your heart into it. And if I were to give anyone any piece of advice, it would be to go within when you are doing for someone or giving something, and see if you have expectations about it, or if you are really just giving for the love of it with nothing needed in return from them. Go deeply, for it is really easy to fool yourself. My relationship with my self gets better all the time. The biggest part of it is letting go of any guilt or any thoughts of selfishness when you are doing things for yourself that create peace, joy and satisfaction. It is an underlying current in our country to give selflessly, and in my opinion, one of the most damaging beliefs, because a lot of negativity, resentment, and ill-feelings in all kinds of relationships develop from expectations unfulfilled. Take care of yourself, rely on yourself to have your needs met, do all for yourself that you would want others to do for you and that you think you should do for others. If every person did this, then that is when we truly would discover heaven on earth. Contact Info:

Ljasoul11@aol.com
JoyfulParenting@aol.com

`My Relationship With Myself`

`by Laurie Abbo`