Tonmans Web
Jokes of today:
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
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God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
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Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the aroma of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!
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A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes." Asked how she used it she said, "To assist my husband and I in conjugal matters."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for conjugal matters. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
A Christmas Carol for Any Psychosis...
Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
Mania - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...
Paranoia - Santa Claus is Coming To Town (To Get Me).
Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
Depression - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.
Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...
Borderline Personality - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
Passive Aggressive - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
Log on tommorow for more.
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