Christmas Day television 2001

CHRISTMAS DAY TELEVISION 2001

The Queen or McQueen?

Christmas television in the early 2000’s is rather poor compared to its 1970’s counterparts. Were you eating turkey or just watching it instead? You can’t bring Morecambe or Wise back for anymore Christmas specials, unless they exist in repeats from the BBC shelves. Bloody soaps don’t get a break for Christmas; in fact they work overtime like a lonely unemployed taxi driver. It has regarded now that if ITV1 doesn’t screen at least five editions of Emmerdale a week they would be breaking the law and breaching ITC guidelines, hoping to increase the number of episodes in a week to ten by 2005. Come back Mr Gyngell, all is forgiven! Why has television for the festive period gone downhill in the past few years? We look at what each channel had to offer:

BBC 1 had a rather good TWO RONNIES Christmas Show, where it was “a Merry Christmas from me”, Corbett said, and it was a “Merry Christmas from him”, said the other one. The unofficial double act, famous for the answering-the-question-before-last Mastermind parody and the Fork Handles sketches are a treat to have at Christmas time, if nothing else was on. The year’s biggest hits in TOP OF THE POPS was followed by HAMILTON MATTRESS, which had nothing to do with Neil and Christine’s double bed, even if they did pose nude, but this programme was a model animation about an aardvark. THE QUEEN had her ten minutes to the nation and mentioned about the attacks on September 11th, which was an ITN production, the first time that I have ever seen their ident on the BBC. Remember those 10 am Christmas morning children’s hospital visits on ITV when Leslie Crowther or Jimmy Tarbuck used to visit a children’s hospital somewhere in the Yorkshire Television region and make the sick kids in the wards more sick of being tormented as they were ill back in the 1970’s? Great Ormond Street, it wasn’t, but after Her Majesty was Rolf and Gaby Roslin doing almost the old make wishes come true effect that happened in those old children’s hospital visits of the seventies, with a bit of the old Jim’ll Fix It thrown in for good measure. One girl wanted Anna Ryder Richardson to do her bedroom lilac (she would have loved TV-am’s old décor!) Why can’t she just hire a normal painter with dirty overalls covered with old Johnstone’s paint stains and decorator to do the job instead of the BBC? Tusk, tusk. A post menopausal woman wanted to meet Daniel O’Donnell, who as if you ask any woman over forty is Ireland’s answer to Cliff Richard. Doesn’t the husband mind you flirting with this leprechaun singer? Perhaps not; just let her enjoy herself and throw a pair of her knickers that she happened to have in her handbag. From knickers to bloomers as Terry “dirty hair” Wogan exposed some new ones that were dazzling. A premiere of TOY STORY, which sounds rather like Margaret Thatcher’s years in power when said quickly. Mr Potato Head rubbed shoulders with Buzz Lightyear and many Playskool toys for product placement as this excellent film showed you how many of them you could cram into a film. A soap followed the film and later on ALASTAIR McGOWAN’S BIG IMPRESSION, showing a tarty Ronni Ancona as Victoria Beckham in what appears to be a bin liner. And that parody of the BT ad where a load of drunken men ruin that old Andy Williams song. More soap followed by Only Fools and Horses. Did you know that Beckham rhymed with Peckham?

BBC 2 had a very sober BREAKFAST with Darren Jordon, followed throughout the day by THE SIMPSONS, and the first round failures on THE WEAKEST LINK – the word “the” omitted by the Radio Times. The Head of State popped her head in the mid evening slot with subtitles in case you didn’t believe what she was saying the first time around, and then a night of entertainment in ARENA. Viewing figures can be counted on one hand.

ITV1, whose first Christmas was with the one stuck at the end had your average GMTV and CITV supply of cartoons and other cheap time fillers with in between commercials for MFI and Moben kitchens reminding us that their sales start 10 am Boxing Day. Otherwise it would be the Yellow Pages ad where the young boy just uses the book to stand on while he kissed his taller partner, under some mistletoe. DFS was also reminding us about their sales starting, but Claims Direct and Howard Zeegan’s fall seemed to have been shoved to one side for once. Central Television’s Jobfinder (Carlton would be too confusing) even took a break at 4 am in favour of networked films and early morning cartoons and also ITV NIGHTSCREEN that people in the Central region rarely get to see. After all, who is interested in unemployment at 5 am on Christmas Day anyway? THE MAN FROM BUTTON WILLOW, an animated western that sounds like a type or margarine spread got the very early birds up, unwrapping their presents. After the junky animation throughout midmorning, Russell Watson, the British Pavarotti (just kidding) even had an hour to himself courtesy of ITV. Unfortunately it was a big mistake to transmit BRITAIN’S BRAINIEST KID on Christmas Day. Firstly it was a repeat; secondly it had no relevance to Christmas whatsoever and thirdly I can remember that although I watched it when it was first seen earlier on in the year I thought that ninety minutes was too long for a programme like this. Carol Vorderman whose birthday was the day before was a good choice as host as her job as mathematician on COUNTDOWN would prove. After THE QUEEN (see BBC 1), it was time for McQUEEN in THE GREAT ESCAPE. Although a five star film, this does go on for at least three hours with Steve McQueen in starring role. After an ITN update, it was two hours of soppy soaps with the ‘DALE followed by the ‘STREET as they always do 250 times a year before the light entertainment began with Lisa Riley, who looked as if she had just been to a funeral with some YOU’VE BEEN FRAMED and many toppling Christmas trees and people breaking the necks sledging on the snow. STARS IN THEIR EYES, a programme where singers just mime to the backing track while dressed as their idol. Tonight Matthew, I’m not going to be not watching this programme! WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? had a celebrity special in the first of two parts using the couples format and the C-listers included Jimmy and Liza Tarbuck, Julie Peasgood and daughter, while Peasgood came into the studio in her black nightdress, (probably an indication into how late the programme was scheduled), and the back-from-the-pub comedians David Badiel and Frank Skinner. Then the film marathon taking us into the early hours started and a reminder in the break that PC World was open on Boxing Day.

CHANNEL 4 had some Byram and Bacon in THE BIG BRERAKFAST followed by Raymond Briggs’ annual repeat of FATHER CHRISTMAS and THE BEAR. THE SNOWMAN, the programme that made a pre voice breaking Aled Jones famous, even though he had nothing to do with the masterpiece that was demoted to Christmas Eve instead. PINOCCHIO and ANNIE took us along to THE ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS MESSAGE at 3 pm with this year’s guest was someone with connections with September 11th. Need I say more? Dickens, whose Scrooge character is being seen in at least three different versions of A CHRISTMAS CAROL over Christmas, also had another film, in recent years done by the late Lionel Bart. OLIVER! No you can’t have any more, you’ll be sick. Whiteley and Vorderman’s second appearance on television today, although this one isn’t a repeat had the end of one Christmas COUNTDOWN and the start of another one. CHANNEL FOUR NEWS, with the snowman called Jon (if only) and a repeat of last Friday’s SNOW GRAHAM NORTON, before a nighttime filmathon.

CHANNEL 5 were certainly the Scrooges of terrestrial television, especially those like me who don’t like the modern soaps, as they were there uninterrupted. MILKSHAKE started in the morning, copying off the old Andy Crane CHILDREN’S BBC homemade birthday cards just before PLAYDAYS and so on. THE PEPSI CHART did a TOP OF THE POPS review of the year with Foxy. HOME AND AWAY turned up as usual, in its usual time and usual place where you couldn’t get more away from Christmas if you tried. OK, it is summer in Australia when they celebrate Christmas, but isn’t it frustrating when half the female cast were born in 1978 – and when they wear that purple checked dress to go to school in? FAMILY AFFAIRS followed suit as well, but at 1 pm, A CHRISTMAS WISH – a film about Christmas! It was a premiere as well, just like BEAUTY, which was not about Anna Sewell’s BLACK BEAUTY that ITV shows over a Spring Bank Holiday, but BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. Those two aforementioned soaps repeated at 6 pm followed by a celebrity special of FORT BOYARD with that Melinda “tits” Messenger. Nothing else worth mentioning on this channel I’m afraid.

The cable stations:

CHALLENGE TV had nothing but FAMILY FORTUNES all day and night on Christmas Day. The ones that Challenge usually TV show usually are the ones shown in the mid 1990’s onwards with Les “I’ll give you the money myself” Dennis. OK, you may have got sick of it if you watched it all day, but who would be boring enough to do that anyway? To whet out appetites, ITV1 had transmitted MORE FAMILY MISFORTUNES, which just shown clips of Dennis era ‘Fortunes. Just like the city that most of the programmes are recorded in my hometown of Nottingham, the show is a little crap. When Dennis started his stint on the show in about 1987 one notices that he had more get up and go, in a Michael Barrymore kind of way. Dennis was back then a comedian and was working on the Laughter Show after Dustin Gee’s death where surprisingly Barrymore was a guest on the show. As the years went on, Dennis mellowed down and was better known as a game show host, unless you know different. What isn’t seen all year round are the Monkhouse or Bygraves era ones where they gave the losing family a photograph of both families taken before the show. The ones of the Bygraves era were the best including the elderly contestant who thought that she was being asked a slang word for Mummy, instead of money and said, bitch to the answer. I only saw one Monkhouse episode and the early one may have been limited to Challenge TV, as they may not have had the rights to the old ATV episodes before Central took over. Pity as the earlier ones was better. Our survey says, Eh-Oh. (Raspberry blowing).

UK GOLD didn’t have much of its schedule interrupted both because it’s a holiday season and surprisingly these are soaps and dramas. One programme that I watched before watching THE QUEEN was CASUALTY that I usually watch in the afternoons anyway, but as I had an hour to spare I watched. This episode from about 1989 featured an Alan Davies lookalike (I don’t think that it was the Jonathan Creek actor as he looked too small) being an eccentric hanging washing out on a line when it was raining. He could have had “The Syndrome”, but we’ll call him undiagnosed anyway. His neighbour from next door had tripped from the top of the stairs and in real life threw herself down some stairs. (And you thought that the eccentric man would be a patient in Holby, didn’t you?) He called the ambulance and a while later when his neighbour is in hospital and the woman’s husband comes around who almost has Jeffrey Archer features he blames his wife’s accident on him and thumps him and so the eccentric has to be admitted. (I wonder what the mental heath charities would think of that one?) But you were right about him being admitted – and even the neighbour’s husband apologises as well! Yes, you can see how Christmassy that storyline was! Also on UK Gold were the usual crap soaps but at least some comedy specials in the evening, but don’t they do that all year round?

OTHER CABLE AND DIGITAL CHANNELS included QVC that had bugger all on, apart from pre recorded “through the night” segments. BBC NEWS 24 reported the news as usual, and so did THE ITN NEWS CHANNEL, CNN and SKY NEWS, with SUNRISE starting at breakfast time. TV TRAVEL SHOP had nothing on, and that goes for the other channels on cable and digital.

So that’s what Christmas television was like in 2001.