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Welcome to srd23uk.com
If you have to explain it, it's not funny.
It's not a mess if you know where everything is.
Food tastes better when somebody else makes it.
He who dies with the most toys, dies.
If man could create the perfect woman, he'd probably cheat on her.
Some jokes are so not funny that they're funny again.
Every crisis presents the opportunity to not panic.
Chinese skywriters must get really dizzy.
Life is like the Internet: You begin with a logical direction, but one link leads to another and before you know it you can't remember where you were going or how to get back.
Naming a child Rufus is also child abuse.
When I grow up, I want to be retired.
Always give 3 weeks notice when you quit. It gives you extra time to screw around.
Rich people have the same problems, just with more zeroes at the end.
Imagine how beautiful America must have been before there were Americans.
Invest in not being cheap.
Happiness is when you're addicted to liking yourself.
We should have different laws for when we're drunk.
Don't judge a book by it's cover -- judge it by the movie.
If you're going the speed limit, you're in the way.
The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand.
The world is going to be just fine; it's the people who are screwed.
If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.
Basketball players make plenty of money. We should start charging for those free throws.
Even if the world were a better place, we'd want the world to be a better place.
Madness is the inability to not think.
Time used to fly; now it's afraid of terrorists.
Once you've pulled the trigger, it's probably too late to take a breath and count to ten.
Winning isn't everything. There's also rubbing it in when you're done.
Some cartoons make so much sense, they're not funny anymore.
People say there is such a thing as "too much sleep," but they're wrong.
The Simpsons is a way of life.
If we have to guess what they mean, they're not a genius.
Not all houses are expensive -- just the nice ones.
Work when you should and play all the time.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't drown it without taking grief from the animal rights people.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Assassins do it from behind.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If you are psychic - think "HONK"
If you always take time to stop and smell the roses...sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
STUPIDITY should be Painful
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
Lord save me from your followers.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
And on the 8th day, God sobered up.
Your College Sucks
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
I is a college student
I souport publik edekasion
If you think education is expensive, Try ignorance
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?"
When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean.
Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I got this motor home for my wife. Best deal I ever made
Hang up and drive.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over..[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you
Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test
My other car is a broom. (Found at a witches shop in NYC)
My Wife's other car is a broom!
I SWERVE to HIT People at Random!
I brake for no apparent reason
Warning! I brake for hallucinations
Don't laugh, your daughter may be inside - (on a custom van)
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
Honk all you want, I'm deaf
Keep honking, I'm reloading
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Horn broken - watch for finger
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't!"
I'm only a bitch on the days that end with Y
"Hate me coz u hate me, not coz you aren't me"
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it
"Dream as if you'll live forever... Live as if you'll die tomorrow"
Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any
No one is listening until you make a mistake
"You know you're in love when reality is better than any dream"
There are 3 kinds of people- Those who can count and those who can't
"I'm an angel honest... The horns are just there to hold the halo up"
You're just jealous coz the voices are talking to me and not you
A day without sunshine is like,night
"Just becuase i'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating!"
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Death is heritary
Don't piss me off...I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
Double your drive space. Delete Windows
For sale- Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done already
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic
a balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser"
My idea of homework is to sweep the room with a glance
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
"In the beginning there was nothing, then god said 'let there be light' and there was still nothing but u could see it."
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away 3 weeks before you need it
"If you're drinking apple juice and it's warm, odds are it ain't apple juice
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes
I'm on a seafood diet, every time i see food, I eat i."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if yo've got a t-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before u do the wash!"
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men ae having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem--J Leno
"Why does Sea world have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger when i realise, oh mi god...I could be eating a slow learner!!"
"If swiming is so good for your figure, how do u explain whales?"
"You know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'. So that was nice"
"I have pms and a gun...Now what were u saying?"
"Gravity doesn;t exist...the earth SuCkS!"
"I got a dog and named him 'stay'. Now, I go 'Come her stay'. After awhile te dog went insane and wouldn't move at all."
"I'm not into working out.My philosophy: NO pain, NO pain!"
"I'm blonde...What's your excuse?"
" How can i miss you if you won't go away?"
"The way i see it is that the more people who hate me, the less people I have to get along with."
"I'm special, you're not, GET OVER IT!!"
Don't drink and drive...you might spill you drink
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name:Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The US Federal Drug Administration has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on: Mycoxaflopin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, and Alimpdixafixit. And of course, Ibepokin.
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