From The Proetstant Podium

Dear Sister Taffy,

First let me apologize for not keeping in touch with my favorite Sister in Christ for these many months. My life has been in turmoil and Jesus told me that I had to go into exile until the unholy mess was straightened out. I do want to say that your daily blessings have been a shining light in the cavernous hell that my life has been lately. As always, you shine with the light of Jesus!!!! Amen.

Many months ago I wrote to you concerning my unfortunate experience at a local beauty salon. The place I had been going for 5 years to maintain my good Baptist hairdo had been overrun by homosexuals. Granted, I got a very good haircut, but the thought of those hands in my hair just made me want to spit-up. I mean who knows where they had been!!!! Anyway, not long after my letter I was having my hair done by Stefan (the cleanest looking of the homosexual hairdressers) and he was going on and on about his new boyfriend and how cute and nice he was. I listened quietly, deciding it was best to keep my mouth shut as opposed to slapping him across the face with my bible, as he was not done with my hair yet. He went on and on about this person, and how evil his mother must be since he lived in fear of her wrath, as he
should for giving in to the devils ways. Well after endless hours of babbling about this "dream man", Stefan produced a picture of this person
from his wallet. Let me just tell you Sister Taffy, I very well nearly fainted right there in the barbers chair. Stefan was showing me a photo of my own son!

After I regained my senses, I stood up, ripped that plastic gown off and whirled around with my finger in the air. "YOU LISTEN TO ME STEFAN!!! THAT IS MY SON YOU ARE PHILANDERING WITH AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS YOU WILL BE DAMNED TO HELL FOR CORRUPTING HIS DELICATE SENSIBILITIES AND SEDUCING HIM INTO YOUR GODLESS HOMOSEXUAL WAYS!!!" Stefan was noticeably upset and appeared as if he were about ready to faint. Several of his light-footed friends rushed to his aid and attempted to escort me to the door. I drew upon your words of wisdoms Taffy and shouted at them and their devil-ridden souls.

Well my driver was quite shocked to see me emerge from Hair-for-Daze with my coif not yet completed and my head covered with rollers. "CICEROY...TAKE ME TO HOME!" I commanded and he steered my new Lincoln toward the house we had just purchased. On the way I called my husband on my cell phone and ordered him to meet me at the house. He did as he was told as any good Baptist man should.

Well Sister Taffy my horror story has only just begun. When I arrived home and stormed up our winding staircase to our son's room I was greeted by sounds that could only mean one thing. Not only had my perfect son Blaine been seduced by a godless homosexual hairdresser, he was now cheating on him and was an adulterer as well!! I flung the door open and caught Blaine under the sheets with Miguel, our pool boy. Miguel shrieked and leapt off the balcony into the pool while my son sat frozen in fear. "BLAINE MOOREHOUSE!!!!!!!" I bellowed, "I KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN SEDUCED BY THE
HOMOSEXUALS!!!!"

He tried to explain to me how he felt he had always been gay but I knew it was the evil seed of the sodom corrupting his fragile upper class mind. He got dressed and I took him downstairs to wait on his father. We sat in silence in the parlor, and I was almost calmed down enough to have some tea when Miguel came bursting into the room, still wrapped in a towel.

"YOU....YOU...." he screamed, pointing. "YOU DRIVE YOUR SON TO MY BED WITH YOUR EXTREMIST RELIGION!" The poor mans accent was so thick I could barely
make out what he was saying, but I knew he was damned to hell. "YOUR SON GAY AND YOUR HUSBAND!!!"

Well Taffy I can't tell you how horrified I was that he would even suggest that my loving husband Geoffrey was a homosexual. He had fathered my son and had known that sex was only for procreation and since I had not planned on any more children, then that part of our relationship was over.

"YOU NEVER SLEEP WITH MR.. MOOREHOUSE ANYMORE, SO HE COME TO ME CUZ I KNOWS HOW TO PLEASE HIM!"

I stood and slapped Miguel across the face. "YOU ARE FIRED!" I bellowed into his swayback face. "GET YOU AND YOUR HISPANIC HEATHENS WAYS OUT OF MY GUEST HOUSE!"

At this point I did feel faint. Blaine tried to tell me that he knew that his father had been engaging in the devils playtime with our pool man but I wouldn't hear it! I handed him our family KJV1611 and told him that he had better get down on his knees and not in the way he was used to. Just then my husband Geoffrey arrived, looking shocked and forlorn.

I explained the events of that afternoon to him and instead of shock and disdain he met me with a guilty smile. It was all true!!!!

Since I have taken up so much of your time already I will wrap this story of suburban hell up shortly. My son Blaine and my husband Geoffrey and now at STRAIGHT TO GOD, a camp for former gays in the rural Kentucky mountains. Their doctor assures me that everything is going well and that the daily shock treatments and doses of Ritalin are working wonders. I should have my family back soon.

Again, thank you Sister Taffy for your guidance and friendship. My good friend Odella Snipes has been staying with me and keeping me company. We
have been friends since high school and she is known for her discretion. I wanted to share my personal tragedy and impending triumph with you and your friends and Landover so that maybe some other poor soul may benefit from them.

Heavenly yours,

Eliza-Beth

`From the Protestant Podium - September 2000`

`Sister Eliza-Beth Moorehouse: "When Queers Are Under Your Own Roof"`