Don't Piss Off a Goddess!

Author’s little rant: There aren’t enough humor fics out there in my opinion. This is meant just for laughs and is not to be taken seriously under any circumstances. I’ll probably bend some rules as I see fit, but again, don’t take it seriously.

Zelda: What!? This is your fault?!? I’ll kill you! The story doesn’t make any logical sense, Link has started boycotting pants and LOOK AT MY HAIR!! I can’t believe you thought this was a good idea! (She grabs the Master sword and chases after the author. The author takes off at top speed, with Zelda close behind, screaming like a maniac.)

Disclaimer: Link, Zelda, the Land of Hyrule and other such related characters are property of Nintendo; I don’t own them, just the story they’re appearing in. Janice from Friends isn’t mine either- she’s just a guest.

P.S.: I don’t swear in my stories, but you might see frell come up every now and again. It’s a nice little cuss word invented by the show "Farscape" that doesn’t mean anything, but is very satisfying.

~ Don’t Piss Off a Goddess ~

It was a normal enough day in Hyrule. The sky was a lovely shade of blue with only a few wispy clouds. It didn’t make for finding shapes in them very well, but it was still nice and nobody complained. Besides, the game wasn’t programmed for any other weather conditions. The world below the sky was just as tranquil. People were going about their daily business, birds sang, and children played carefree in the market. The only thing that marred the scene of peace was a lot of horrific screams coming from the direction of the castle. Well okay, they were more like battle cries of monsters. You’d think Link would be out getting rid of them, but he and Zelda were being chased across the field in front of the castle by the monsters. Not so normal now, is it?

Speaking of which, the princess and the hero also weren’t as normal as you’d expect. For some reason, Zelda was dressed as a badass Goth with hair that would make Dennis Rodman shudder (Remember ‘Degrassi Junior High’ from the 80’s? Remember Spike, that chick who looked like she kissed a power socket? Hair that stood on end? Yeah, it was kind of like that, only bright blue). Link was wearing one of Zelda’s dresses and appeared to have been dunked in honey, then feathers. They kept running and somehow made to the market.

"Finally!" Zelda gasped. "We should be safe here."

"There they are!" someone yelled.

"Maybe not!" replied Link. They took off at top speed, now being chased by an angry mob as well as a horde of monsters. It didn’t look very good.

"Now look!" Zelda shouted. "Practically all of Hyrule is after us, I look like an escaped convict and you’re messing up my best dress! Next time you visit, wear your own dresses!"

"They’re called tunics! Tunics! Why don’t people get that? Besides, I prefer pants, but they’ve all disappeared for some reason. It’s not my fault! None of this is!"

Zelda screeched to a halt and turned to face him.

"ALL of this is your fault!" she yelled, throwing up her arms. "If you hadn’t decided to pick up girls on ICQ, none of this would have happened!!"

"I don’t get it." Link looked thoroughly confused.

"Am I going to have to explain all this with a flashback?"

"If you don’t mind."

Zelda sighed loudly and rolled her eyes. "Alright, fine. But pay attention."

~FLASHBACK! (With bright lights and sparkly glitter effects)~

Yesterday . . .

Link sat down in front of his computer to check his e-mail (Author: I said I’d bend some rules).

"Only one new message? Am I becoming less popular?" he huffed.

He opened it. Nothing but an attachment that read ‘I love you’. Upon reading that, he felt better.

"I guess someone does like me." He opened the attachment. Suddenly, an alert popped up on his screen, proclaiming in big bold letters that he’d been infected with a virus.

"What the frell is this? Doesn’t the LAN have Norton?"

It didn’t, unfortunately and soon cries of shock were heard from around Kokiri village.

"Hey, what’s going on?"

"Who did this?"

"Where’s the Internet?"

Link looked out his door to see all the Kokiri kids heading for Mido’s house, where the server was located.

I’ll bet I get blamed for this, he thought.

They pounded on his door and yelled until he finally came out.

"Look guys," he started, "I can’t be sure right now, but I think someone infected the system. I’m going to get everything under control. Did anyone get a copy of the ‘I love you’ virus and open it without running a virus checker?"

Everyone shook their heads. Nobody was dumb enough to open an attachment without scanning it. Nobody except-

"Link!" yelled Saria. "What did you do?"

Cautiously, Link risked a look outside to see all the children gathered at the base of his tree house. This looked bad for him. He tried to use some of his hero charisma to ease the situation.

"Hey everybody," he called cheerfully, flashing a bright smile. "What’s the problem?"

"You infected the system with the ‘I love you’ virus, that’s what!" Mido said accusingly.

"I did not!"

"Did you open the attachment without scanning it, yes or no?"

"Well see, normally I’m not on the network because I have my own-"

"ANSWER the question, yes or no," Mido grated.

"Alright. Yeah I did." The reaction to his statement was sudden and unexpected.

"Get him!" someone yelled. All the Kokiri suddenly pulled out torches, pitchforks, clubs and axes and began to swarm Link’s house.

"Crap!" he yelled. "They turned into an angry mob! They’ll kill me if I don’t get out of here!" Thinking quickly, he whipped out his ocarina and played the Prelude of Light. The door to his house burst open just as he winked out of sight.

"Blast it!" yelled one of the Know-it-all brothers, throwing down his pitchfork. "We missed him!"

"He’ll be back," said Saria, pointing to the closet. "See? He left his pants. He can’t wear one pair forever."

"I thought you were his best friend."

"Maybe so. But nobody, and I mean nobody, interrupts my chat time with Antonio Bandaras!"

Later, at the castle . . .

Link knew he was always welcome at the castle. He had, after all, saved the whole kingdom. Making his way to the gates, he always found it so strange to be escorted into the castle rather than being thrown out of it like he was used to. The palace was a kingdom in itself, being so huge, and Link had to talk to nearly a dozen guards before he learned that Zelda was in the gym.

Gym? Wondered Link momentarily. Then it occurred to him. Of course she has a gym! She’s the princess!

"So, what brings you here, Link?" a guard asked as they headed down the hall.

"I felt like dropping by. The Kokiri are on the warpath because I accidentally crashed their network. And to see Zelda, obviously."

"Well, that’s nice of you," commented the guard as they came to the door. "She’s wanted you to visit her for quite some time, but every time she sends a royal messenger, they disappear into the Lost Woods."

"How many went missing?"

"Three, so far. But they were total jerks and nobody misses them, so it’s not a total loss. I get the feeling there’s another reason you came."

Link looked around cautiously before answering, "The castle has a T1 line, right?"

"Last I heard. Well, enjoy yourself hero." With that, the guard strode down the hall, leaving Link by himself. Link slowly eased the door open, hoping with all his might that he wasn’t about to walk in on something he’d regret.

"And jump, two, three, four! Again, two, three, four! Now back, two, three, four!" The instructor commanded. Zelda and Impa copied her motions. The Tae-Bo craze had swept through Hyrule like a gale wind and the princess was no exception. She had every intention of proving to Link that she was just as tough as he was, especially after that embarrassment at last year’s festival. He had left her in the dust in the fifty-yard dash in full view of all her subjects. And, as if to add insult to injury, when she did cross the finish line, she tripped and fell face-first into a giant heap of mud. Naturally, Link had a few choice comments about her predicament.

"I’ll- show him- who looks- like a- blue-eyed Goron!" she muttered between breaths. She began practicing her punches aggressively. Link was a good friend of hers, but sometimes he really got under her skin.

"Are you really the type to hold a grudge against anyone, even the Hero of Time?" Impa had asked her once.

"Most definitely!" she answered to herself as they moved onto kicks.

Link approached the pair slowly. They seemed to have mastered Tae-Bo. He wondered why she was doing this sort of training; she was in excellent shape. That is, unless, she was training for something. But what?

She can’t possibly still be mad about last year’s festival, he reasoned.

They also seemed to not have noticed him come in. A fiendish plot began to brew in his mind. He began to creep up slowly, lest he lose the element of surprise. He was going to scare them stupid, but it seemed too easy. Impa had always told him that it was impossible to sneak up on a warrior.

Maybe today’s finally starting to go right. Carefully, he advanced in silence until he was right behind Impa. This was going to be good.

"Hya!" he yelled as he sprang to grab her shoulders. Zelda let out a scream of exasperation and fear. Impa also yelled, but it was a mighty battle cry. She let a roundhouse kick fly and land on the side of Link’s head, sending him flying backwards several feet. He landed with a thud and they ran over to him.

"Link, are you aright?" asked Zelda. He didn’t move.

"I’m sorry about that kick, really I am!" Impa added. Still nothing. They were getting worried.

"C’mon Link," pleaded Zelda. "Say something!"

"Ouch," he moaned. Slowly he managed to sit up and look at them, though he was a little cross-eyed. "Impa, you said it was impossible to sneak up on a warrior, right?"

"That’s right."

"So I guess I proved you wrong! You never even heard me coming."

She laughed. "I think you heard wrong. The saying goes ‘it’s impossible to sneak up on a warrior and walk away with nothing to show for it.’ You’re going to have a nasty bruise for a couple of weeks. I’m really sorry." They stood up and Impa left to take care of something else, or so she said. It was obvious that Link had come to see Zelda, not to get smoked in the head by a startled nanny.

"What brings you to the castle, Link?" asked Zelda as they walked to her chambers.

"I had to get out of the forest for a while. I crashed their internet and need to wait for things to cool off."

"Why were you on the network? I thought you had your own modem," Zelda asked.

"I do, but it’s a . . ." he trailed off and mumbled something.

Zelda fought back a smile. He was obviously hiding something and she was determined to uncover it.

"Sorry, I didn’t catch that," she pressed, eager to see him squirm. "What did you say?"

"It’s a 28k dial-up."

Zelda burst out laughing. Everyone she knew had 56k or better. The hero with such a lame connection; it was hilarious. She laughed even harder, until she fell down holding her sides and tears were rolling down her cheeks. Link planted his fists on his hips and glared at her.

"Okay, it’s not that funny! Cut it out already!"

Zelda finally got a hold of herself and stood up, though she was still giggling.

"So let me guess: you want to borrow my computer, am I right?"

"When did you get so perceptive?"

"I have the Triforce of Wisdom and I can read you like a book." She folded her arms and smiled at him mischievously.

"Duh, I should’ve known that," Link replied, rolling his eyes. "I need to check ICQ to see if anyone is trying to get a hold of me. Lots of girls want to hook up with a hero, you know."

"ICQ? Link, there’s so much better stuff out there than some chat room. For instance, you could look around at fan sites based on our games. People have written stories about us and some of them are really great!"

Link, unfortunately, had missed the sales pitch and was already signing in on Zelda’s computer. She sighed loudly and went to get a snack from the kitchen.

"Can you get me something too?" he called without looking up.

She kept walking and called over her shoulder, "What do I look like? Some maidservant?"

Now it was Link’s turn to sigh. Zelda was so independent; she sometimes didn’t seem to have any heart at all. He was about to ponder those thoughts further when something caught his eye.

"Broadcast postings? What is that?" he mused. Clicking on it, he mused on how funny it was to be called Link, when those things were all over the internet. The link lead to a site that was connected to several hundred message boards and could post a message on all of them instantaneously. He grinned. This was a good way to blackmail people- he could post anything they’d have no way to trace it. For a moment, he considered putting up something about Zelda, but she’d know it was him. Being the princess, she’d have him in the dungeon before he could blink twice. Still, it was awfully tempting. He was itching to post a message.

What if I said something about the goddesses? he thought. There was very little chance the goddesses actually had time to surf the net looking for incriminating remarks. He grinned.

They can’t touch me. Ha ha ha! This’ll be great!

Soon, after about twenty spell checks, a small verse appeared on the screen. It read,

"Sacred Realm, please hear my call

I declare- Din is the fairest one of all!"

Perfect, he thought. Zelda walked back in just as he clicked "Send."

"What are you doing now?" she asked, holding a glass of Lon Lon milk.

"Broadcasting. My message just went up on about a hundred boards."

"Never heard of it. What did you say?" she asked, taking a drink. Link laughed out loud as he told her- he thought he was a comical genius. She didn’t see the humor, however, and Link suddenly found himself wearing the effects of Zelda’s spit take.

"What’s the matter with you?" she sputtered. "Do you have a death wish or something!?"

"Why? What are you talking about?"

"The goddesses are very jealous of each other and if you say something like that . . . well, jeez, I don’t want to be in your boots when they see it!" She was suddenly pretty worried for him. As far as she was concerned, pranking was a dumb pastime.

"Oh come on," he said. "They can’t possibly know it was me."

"What, do you think they don’t surf in the Sacred Realm? At least tell me you didn’t sign your own name."

"I signed as ‘Link, the Hero of Time.’ Almost everyone in Hyrule has a screen name as some variation of that."

Zelda’s eyes went even wider. "You think they can’t find out who did it? They’re goddesses- not even a Royal Firewall can stop them! Farore and Nayru could send a lightning bolt through your e-mail and

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