The Chosen One
Hi people here are some funny things i've heard before. If you want to see some pictures i've found, Email me your screen name or just IM me- SamWiseGamgee973
Alright, i have a ton of funny quotes but there isn't enough room on this page to write them all so I'll just put in a bunch but if you want more then IM me. There is also supposed to be a picture of Neo holding an M-16 but it doesn't work. oh well, IM me to see it
Lessons Grown-ups Learn From Kids
-There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
-If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
-A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
-If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape.
-It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
-Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
-You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
-When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
-The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
-When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late.
-A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
-A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
-If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.
-A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
-Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
-Duplos will not.
-Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
-Super glue is forever.
-McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
-No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
-Pool filters do not like Jello.
-VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
-Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
-Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
-Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
-Plastic toys do not like ovens.
-The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
-It will however make cats dizzy.
-Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
-Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
-A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
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World Ideologies as Explained by Reference to Cows
Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Real World Communism
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.
Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
Pure Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Capitalism
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
Enviromentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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Famous Last Words
-I'll get a world record for this.
-Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
-Hey there's no handles inside these car doors!
-Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
-Here's my Kent State student ID.
-It's fireproof.
-He's probably just hibernating.
-What does this button do?
-I'm making a citizen's arrest.
-Can we get a vision plan?
-So, you're a cannibal.
-It's probably just a rash.
-Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
-Are you sure the power is off?
-Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
-No, my shoes aren't untied.
-The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
-What do you mean, "I'll be back"?
-Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
-Pull the pin and count to what?
-Which wire was I supposed to cut?
-I wonder where the mother bear is.
-I've seen this done on TV.
-These are the good kind of mushrooms.
-I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
-What's that priest doing here?
-You look just like Charles Manson.
-Let it down slowly.
-Rat poison only kills rats.
-OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
-It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
-I'll get your toast out.
-Give me liberty or give me death.
-Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
-It's strong enough for both of us.
-This doesn't taste right.
-I can make this light before it changes.
-Nice doggie.
-I can do that with my eyes closed.
-I've done this before.
-Well we've made it this far.
-That's odd.
-Hey that's not a violin.
-I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
-I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
-You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
-OK this is the last time.
-Don't be so superstitious.
-Now watch this.
-This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.
-That birthmark on your head looks like 999.
-What duck?
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Why It’s Great to Be a Guy
· Phone conversations last 30 seconds
· You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
· A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
· Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
· You can open all your own jars
· Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
· When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
· You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
· You can go to the bathroom alone
· Your last name stays put
· You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
· You can kill your own food
· The garage is all yours
· You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
· Cleaning the toilet is optional
· You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
· Wedding plans take care of themselves
· If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
· Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
· None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
· You don't have to shave below your neck
· You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
· If you're 34 and single, no one notices
· Chocolate is just another snack
· You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
· You never have to worry about other's feelings
· Three pair of shoes are more than enough
· You can say anything and not worry about what people think
· You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
· Car mechanics tell you the truth
· You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
· You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
· One mood, all the time
· You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
· Gray hair and wrinkles add character
· Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
· You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
· You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
· The remote is yours and yours alone
· You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
· If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
· If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
· The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
· If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
· New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
· You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
· If you retain water, it is in a canteen
· You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
· Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything
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Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
-About as sharp as a marble.
-A few clowns short of a circus.
-Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.
-A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
-I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot.
-An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
-He only has one oar in the water.
-A few beers short of a six-pack.
-Dumber than a box of hair.
-A few peas short of a casserole.
-Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
-One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
-One taco short of a combination plate.
-A few feathers short of a whole duck.
-All foam, no beer.
-The cheese slid off her cracker.
-Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
-Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
-He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
-An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
-As smart as bait.
-Chimney's clogged.
-Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
-Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
-Forgot to pay her brain bill.
-Her sewing machine's out of thread.
-His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
-His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
-If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
-Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
-No grain in the silo.
-Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
-Receiver is off the hook.
-Several nuts short of a full pouch.
-Skylight leaks a little.
-Slinky's kinked.
-Surfing in Nebraska.
-Too much yardage between the goal posts.
-Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
-The lights are on, but nobody's home.
-24 cents short of a quarter.
-The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
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Even MORE Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid...
-She doesn't have all the chairs around the table.
-Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
-He's sharp as a thimble.
-A few sandwiches short of a picnic basket.
-If her IQ goes up to 40, she should sell.
-About as deep as a saucer of milk.
-She's not the brightest Crayola in the box!
-A few fries short of a Happy Meal
-He is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
-The gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.
-A few cards short of a full deck.
-She could hold an in depth conversation with a chair.
-Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
-A room temperature IQ.
-A photographic memory, but forgot to load the film.
-Bright as Alaska in December.
-Fell out of the family tree.
-Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
-Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes"
-Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
-If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.
-He's so dense, light bends around him.
-Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
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