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Me, Myself and Him
Recently, I fell in love with my tutor... It's the first time that this has ever occurred to me and I seriously hope it will be the last... Has anyone ever told you that falling in love hurts but falling in love with someone who will never love you back is an indescrible feeling? When I realized I love him, the first though that came to my mind was denial. I told myself that I must be crazy to have a crush at this age (which I will not mention but trust me, Im too old for a crush) and of all people in the world, my tutor... I must be nuts...
The next few months found me desperately looking forward to that day of the week where I will be able to spend an hour with him. Never mind that I have to share this moment with 20 other classmates of mine or that it was just an hour per week, I was just ecstatic. You will find me staring into his eyes when he talks, hoping that he will not read my soul. Of course, sadly for me, he did not notice me this way...I couldnt concentrate on anything at all during these few months. I hung onto his every word and remembered everything he said... I found myself back to my teenage years when puppy love and crushes were common. I felt tormented as I know that it will NEVER, EVER be possible between us. For God's sake, he doesnt even know I exist. To him, I was just another student there to listen and learn whatever I could from him.
My friends told me to tell him how I feel so that I will not bring this regret to my grave. You have no idea how much I wanted to do that... Every night, I will lie in bed and ponder over whether I should tell him how I feel. The feeling is agony man.... Well, not that you would want to know, in the end, I didnt say a word. He was leaving and he had a girlfriend and the most important thing is, I never existed in his life, thus I knew the right decision to make is not to tell him. Think of me as a coward or for not grabbing the chance when its presented in front of me, but let me tell you this, I have enough rejections to last me for a lifetime and I really dont need another of that. My best friend of 18 years used to say one thing which I found to be so true. She said that if I will ever regret telling him how I feel, its better not to hurt myself for nothing. She's the only person to know me inside out, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. She know that I will regret immediately once I open my mouth and confess.
2 months have passed since I last saw him... The pain, however, is still there... Maybe you may think that its just a crush, I told myself that numerous times in order to get on with my life... but I know, deep down, its not. It may not be a true, deep love but my heart knows that its definitely not a crush... For all of you who has loved and hurt before, you will know what I mean. The whole world may think of you as a crackhead for falling in 'love' with someone you barely know, but what you feel is most important. No one will ever understand how you feel about that guy who caught your eye when he did not catch others.
I always ask myself, why do I have to like him? Why do I have to fall in love with someone I jolly well know that I have no future with? And why do I have to fall for him when there are other guys elsewhere? Well, if I have the answer to the above, I wont be writing this... I told my best friend that if she ever knows the answer to these, she has to let me know IMMEDIATELY.... she laughed and said the same thing back to me.
I thought of all the stupid things I did - traveling for 2 hours and climbing the hill for 40 minutes just to stand in front of his house for 2 seconds and then running away as fast as I could so that he will not see me gaping like a fool when he comes out his front door. I would try as nonchalantly as possible, to linger as long as I can after class, hoping that he will notice me. Well, you know what happened... he did not. I guess even if I wear stilts and stand right in front of him, he will not notice me. Thats how insignificant I am to him. I found out his icq number and I pretended that I was someone else and I requested that we be friends. Haha, of course he denied my request... I know that he will never know its me but at the pit of my scarred heart( from previous relationships), it hurt so bad that sometimes, my tears just flow onto my keyboard.
Well, he has left and I know I will not be able to see him again and the only thing that is left are memories in my head. Thats always the only thing left for me after I get rejected, break up with my boyfriend or in this case, not doing anything... Though I know he will not be able to read this (not that I hope he will), I cant help wondering what he will do (will he?) if he EVER reads this...
The only words I can say is 'Why God? Why must you let us meet when we could never be together?'
So, if ever anyone out there who has experienced the same with me read this, do email me... maybe we can help each other get over that guy/gal....
Janice
Send E-Mail to: samjan32@yahoo.com
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