Signs Of An Abusive Personality
Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality
The following is a list of personality characteristics/qualities and behaviors that may indicate a potential abuser. These behaviors are often seen in people who are physically and emotionally abusive to their partners. This does not mean that every person with some of these characteristics is an abuser or potential abuser. These are red flags, or warnings .... meaning the more characteristics the higher the potential for abuse. Please take them seriously and be careful.
Jealousy
At the start of the relationship, an abuser will equate jealousy with love. This is a sign of insecurity, possessiveness and lack of trust.... not a sign of love. "I want you to be all mine", "I don't want any other guys looking at you". At first this makes you feel missed and cared for, but in actuality, these are signs of his suspicion and distrust.
He will question the victim about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or become jealous of time spent with friends, family and children. He/she may question who you talk to, monitor what you wear, how you wear it, may call you on the phone frequently or just pop home unexpectedly, check your mileage on your car, accusing you of flirting or try to limit your social contacts.
Controlling Behavior
In the beginning, an abuser will attribute his controlling behavior to concern for his/her partner (for example, his/her partner's safety or decision-making skills). As this behavior progresses the situation will worsen. Controlling where you go and who you talk to, telling you who to be friends with. He may assume all control of money or prevent his/her partner from coming and going as she wants. There is also emotional control, usually threats of suicide or homicide. “I’ll kill myself if you ever leave me”
Quick Involvement
Dates only a short time before getting engaged or living together. Usually less than 6 months. He/she will pressure his/her partner to commit to the relationship. He/she comes on like a whirlwind, claiming “ you’re the only person I could ever talk to” “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone” Later, a victim may feel guilty for wanting to slow the pace or end the relationship. Feel like they are “letting their partner down“.
Unrealistic Expectations
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: he/she expects the woman to be the perfect wife, woman, lover, friend. He/she will says things like “If you love me, I’m all you need-you’re all I need”. He/she is expect to be responsible for taking care of all the emotional needs. An abuser will attempt to isolate his victim by severing her ties to outside support and resources. The abuser will accuse others, such as the victim's friends and family of being "trouble makers". Not taking responsibility for his/her actions. He/she may block his/her partner's access to use of a car, work, or telephone.
Isolation
Controlling you by driving away your friends, family or children accusing them of “causing trouble” and “getting in our business”. Spending all or the majority of your time alone together. Making fun of any activities, books or clubs you are interested in without him/her. Moving into the country without a phone or unreliable transportation, keeping you from going to work or school.
Blames others for Problems
Not taking responsibility for their choices and behaviors—blaming you or others instead. An abuser will blame others for his shortcomings. Someone is always out to get him or is an obstacle to his achievements. . The victim or potential victim will be blamed for almost anything that goes wrong “If you had cleaned the house like I said, you wouldn’t have gotten hit”.
Blames others for feelings
An abuser will use 'feelings' to manipulate his victim. Common phrases to look for: You're hurting me by not doing as I want". He/she really makes the decision about what they thinks/feels but uses feelings to manipulate and control the partner. Harder to catch are claims “You make me happy“ "You control how I feel". Again, trying to avoid responsibility for their feelings or actions. “You make me jealous when you talk to other men—I just can’t help it”.
Hypersensitivity
An abusive personality is easily insulted. He/she perceives the slightest setbacks as personal attacks on them.
Cruelty to animals or children
This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. He may expect children to perform beyond their capability (for example smacking a 2-year old for wetting the bed or teasing children until they cry).
"Playful" use of force in sex
This behavior includes restraining partners against their will during sex; acting out fantasies in which the partner is powerless; initiating sex when the partner is asleep; or demanding sex when the partner is ill or tired. He/she may show little concern for his partner's desires/boundaries and will use sulking or other feelings to manipulate agreement.
Riged Sex roles
The victim, will be expected to serve. For instance, a male abuser will see women as inferior to men, expect them to stay at home and always obey him.
Verbal Abuse
This behavior involves saying things that are intended to be malicious and hurtful, swearing at or humiliating the partner, or putting down his partner's abilities and accomplishments.
Dual Personality
"Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde" - Sudden explosive behavior and mood cahnges, which can shift quickly to niceness are characteristic of people who abuse their partners.
Past Abuse
An abuser will victimise any partner he/she is with if the individual is involved with him/her long enough for the cycle of abuse to begin; circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Abuse is a CHOICE!
Threats of Violence
This consists of any threat of physical force intended to control the partner. “I’ll slap your mouth”; “I’ll break your neck.” The majority of people don’t threaten their partner’s but an abuser will excuse/justify this behavior by stating "everyone talks like that".
This list is not all inclusive....there are other signs or things that may not be typical. Stay aware and listen to your internal voice.
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