Return of the Pants
Return of the Pants
Okay, so I admit it. I loved the Lord of the Rings films. I didn't like the books near as well, though. But the movies really made me stagger... walking out into the sunlight afterwards I almost fell over. My world seemed so...so...so *boring* after all that grandeur! And one of my favourite things was that, with all the good/evil, fighting, war, and Barbie-like elvish "boys", the people who did the films kept a sense of humour about it all. Especially Merry and Pippin. It seems, though, that they could have used some dialogue alterations...
I can’t take credit for these. I mean, I’d like to, but I just can’t. I got them from a Tolkien fansite....so thanks to the unnamed ones! Sit back, relax, and enjoy the Return of the Pants!
Return of the Pants
(I can’t take credit for these. I mean, I’d like to, but I just can’t. I got them from a Tolkien fansite....so thanks to the unnamed ones!)
***RotK Spoilers***
Pippin: Are there any pants, Gandalf? For Frodo & Sam?
Gandalf: There never were many pants. Just a fool's pants.
Pippin: (to Denethor) I offer you my pants, such as it is, in payment of this debt.
Denethor: You are wise, yet for all your subtleties you have no pants.
Gimli: Well this is unheard of. An Elf will get into a pair of pants, while a Dwarf dares not!
Pippin: I saw white pants, in a courtyard. They were dead. The pants were burning!
Sam: It's everything; it's Gollum, it's this land... it's that thing around your legs. I could help you with the burden, Frodo. I could wear them for you. Share the pants.
Witchking: Come not between a Nazgul and his pants!
Aragorn: I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the pants of me! A day may come when the pants of men fail; when we forsake our trousers, and break all stitching of fellowship. But this is not that day. This day, we wear shorts!!!
Sam: Have you worn any pants, Frodo?
Frodo: No.
Sam: And here I've gone and worn too many.
Sam: ... and Rosie Cotton dancing. She had ribbons in her pants. If ever I was gonna wear somebody's pants, it would've been hers.
Aragorn: The beacons of Minas Tirith are lit! Gondor calls for pants.
Theoden: ... And Rohan will wear some.
Gamling: He leaves because he has no pants.
Legolas/Dead Guy: The pants are shut. They were made by those who are dead, and the dead keep them. The pants are shut.
Gollum: The pants will be ours. Once the Hobbitses are naked.
Sam: "There and Back-Pockets Again, a Hobbit's Pants by Bilbo Baggins; & The Lord of the Pants, by Frodo Baggins."
Sam: Well, I'm pantsed.
The age of slacks is over, the age of the pants is beginning
Eomer: We cannot achieve victory through strength of pants.
Aragorn: Not for ourselves, but we can give Frodo a pair of pants.
Legolas: The pants of the enemy is moving.
Arwen: It is time. Give him the pants of the King!
Gandalf: All you have to decide is what to do with the pants that is given to you.
Reply Return of the Pants Sam to Frodo: He means to pants us!
Gollum: Noooo!
Legolas: The pants of the enemy are unzipping.
Eowyn to the Witch King: I will give you a wedgie if you touch him!!!
Aragorn to the hobbits: You drop your pants to no one.
Eomer (at the camp at Dunharrow): Those pants are evil.
Gimli, riding along Dimholt: What kind of army dwells in these pants?
EDIT: AT the camp at Dunharrow, Aragorn (to Eowyn): It is but a shadow and (?). I cannot give you my pants.
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli ride towards the Dimholt mountains...
Rohirrim #98: Where is he going?
Gamling: He is leaving because he has no pants.
Elrond (to Arwen): Your pants are cold.
Merry (to Pippin): Something for the road. You wear too many pants, Pippin.
Aragorn (in reply to Gandalf's question): What does your pants tell you?
Theoden (to Eowyn): I would have you wear pants again, not grieve for those whose time has come to wear slacks.
Aragorn: For Frodo's pants.
Elrond (to Aragorn): This is your test. Every path you have trod through, wilderness, through war, has led to this road. The enemy will never let Aragorn wear the pants of Gondor.
Gandalf (to Pippin): Lord Denethor is Boromir's father. It would be very unwise to bring him news of the loss of his beloved son's pants. Best not to speak of it. And be careful not to mention Frodo or his trousers. Or Aragorn's, say nothing of his pants. In fact, its best if you don't speak at all, Peregrin Took.
Elrond (to Arwen in the trailer): You gave away your pants. I cannot protect you anymore.
Gandalf: I will not say, "Do not wear pants," for not all pants are evil.
Frodo (of the Ring): The pants are mine.
Elrond: [in Elvish] I gave all my pants to the Dunedain. (Onen i hamp-Edain.)
Aragorn: [in Elvish] I have kept none for myself. (u-chebin hamp anim.)
*hamp = clothes (in Sindarin)
King of the Dead: The dead suffer no one's pants!
Aragorn: You will suffer mine!
Eomer: I do not doubt the size of his pants, only the reach of his arm.
Frodo (writing): ...and he asked for the pants of fair Rosie Cotton, and that was the bravest thing he ever did.
Bilbo: Well, here is a sight I have never seen before in my pants!
Aaaaaaaaand Now!!!!
Things LOTR Characters Would Never Say
...which also I cannot honestly take credit for. Except for some of the Monty Python ones...
- Legolas: “Hey, lets roll in that mud puddle over there...”
- Frodo: *Flexes muscles* “This Ringbearing business is a piece of cake, I could go on for miles!”
- Gandalf: “Yo, dudes!”
- Arwen: “Yay, a permanent holiday to Valinor!”
- Ugluk: “Aww, look at the cute hobbits! Lets give them makeovers!”
- Random Orc: “Not now, I’m giving Grishnak a facial!”
- Aragorn: “Shampoo! I need more shampoo!”
- Entire Fellowship (on the way over the bridge of Khazad-Dhum): “Everybody do the conga! Dadadada da DA! Dadadada da DA!”
- Balrog: “What the heck!” *Joins in*
Wormtongue: *looks at hair* Man, I really need that new conditioner...
Ugluk: You know, it's quite possible to make some very tasty vegitarian meals from basic ingredients.
Pippin: No thanks, I'm not hungry.
Gandalf to Saruman- hey i just love what youve done with your nails!
"BILBO BAGGINS!!! Im not trying to help you! im trying to rob you."
*Legolas looks up at three horn blasts*
Legolas: "The Horn of Gondor!"
*pause*
Legolas: "What does three blasts mean again?"
Gimli: *shrugs* "Either he's in mortal peril or he took a lunch break. I can never remember. "
Haldir: "Behold Caras Galadhon, home of elvendom on earth, home of Lord Celeborn and Galadriel, lady of light."
Legolas: "Mmm, what I could do here with a couple of matches and some kindling..."
Orc: "The trees are strong my lord, their roots go deep."
Saruman: "Oh. Erm... Stop work, I'll have to go back to sitting on the roof and watching the stars again. I'm obviously not cut out for this army building thing. Darn! Gandalf's on the roof, I'll have to think of something else to do, Sindarin Scrabble anyone?"
Saruman: "One of the halfling's carries something of great value, bring them to me alive and unspoiled. Kill the rest."
Uruk Leader's brain: 'We should take the thing for ourself and keep it.'
Uruk Leader: "Yes, I should take it for myself."
Saruman: "What did you say?"
Uruk Leader's brain: 'Idiot.'
Merry: "You'll have to send us home in sacks to stop us."
Elrond: "Glorfindel, the sacks please."
Gandalf: "Sauron is not so mighty yet he is above fear, he fears you Aragorn, he fears what you may become."
Aragorn: "He does? Excuse me one moment."
Aragorn rides to the Barad-Dûr, using the black-gate set, as yet without its CG armies of orcs added, and knocks on the door to be answered by a great eye, lidless and wreathed in flame.
Aragorn: "Boo!"
Moth: "I'm not telling anyone where you are, Saruman's my favourite!"
Galadriel: "Look into the mirror."
Frodo: "What will I see?"
Galadriel: "Even the wisest cannot tell for the mirror shows many things, things that are, things that were and some things that have not yet come to pass."
Frodo looks in the mirror.
Darth Vader: "Your powers are weak old man."
Obi-Wan Kenobi: "You can't win Darth, if you strike me down I'll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
Galadriel: "Wrong channel, where's that remote control?"
Sauron: "Build me an army worthy of Mordor."
Saruman: "How about 'nooo' Mr. Glaring Eye?"
Orc: "What news from Mordor my lord? What does the eye command?"
Saruman: "Four pints of milk, a loaf of unsliced white bread, two pounds of apples, a tub of double chocolate ice-cream and enough toilet paper for the entire Barad-Dûr."
Orcs rush towards a line of fierce and scary Noldor swordsmen.
Orc number 354435: "This isn't why I joined the army."
Orc number 342324: "I know how you feel."
Orc number 324561: "I just joined to make my mum happy."
Orc number 354435: "I'll never see my wife again, and little baby Buglûsh will be two years old next week, I'll never see him again either."
The conversation is cut short be the harsh swords of the elves.
Arwen: "There are 5 wraiths behind you. Where the other 4 are, I do not know."
(sniggering is heard from behind a tree)
Aragorn: "You have my sword..."
Legolas: "And my bow..."
Gimli: "And my axe..."
All to Frodo: "Give them back!!!"
Sauron: Dang! I think I lit my pants on fire...
Elrond: Does my bum look big in this?
Arwen: Do you remember when we first met?
Aragorn: No.
Boromir: Forgive me. I did not see. I have failed you all.
Aragorn: Well, yeah, actually, you have. This is all your fault. *leaves*
Boromir to Lurtz: You think you can kill me with four arrows? I can take six.
Gimli: There's a tangle in my beard *cries*
Frodo: *Up mount doom* AH CRAP
Sam: What???
Frodo: We have to turn back
Sam: Why??
Frodo: I forgot to tell my mum where we were going, and I have to be home for dinner
Gollum: Theeeysa stolen meeesa precious... Theysa taken it to big gunga din. Issa not okie-day!
Saruman : There will be no dinner for men!
Saruman: Hrmm, I was sure I had Sauron on my speedial somewhere here... hrmmph, now my batteries are dead, guess I will have to use a landline.
Sam and Frodo (at the Cracks of Doom) : Crack Kills!
Legolas to Gimli : 1 orc, 2 orc, 3 orc, 4. 5 orc, 6 orc, 7th orc gored.
Gandalf : YOU CANNOT PASS! I am a servant of my wife and shes says no friends over tonight.. YOU CANNOT PASS!
Aragorn (at the Black Gate) : Trick or Treat !!!
Treebeard : Now something is going to happen that has not happened for an Age....... KEGGER!!! With a bonfire!!
Gandalf : Hey Bilbo, you got a bong for that weed?
Aragorn to Arwen : Its my duty to please that booty.
Wormtongue: Oh,what am I going to do about this pasty white skin?
Orc 3856: I know this great treatment for that, a mud treatment. How do you think my skin got this lovely color?
Pippin: *mumbles* your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries
Merry: Jump to the boat Frodo
Frodo: No
Merry: WHat do you mean no!
Frodo: I get motion sickness
Frodo: Fine Smeagol you can hold the ring for five minutes but that's it
Smeagol: *dancing and chanting while archers of gondor have him marked* rocky pool, nice and cool to make a wish and catch a fish so tastey... Alright you pathtetic hiders I found Faramir so its your turn to look for me
*standing in front of the Doors of Durin*
Gandalf: I will now recite the opening words. KLAATU VERATA........ um, *mutters to self* (what was it again?)
Aragorn: Everything all right, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Yes yes, just give me a sec. ... KLAATU VERATA.... (Nickle... Nectar... something that starts with an N. Dang.)
*ahem* KLAATU VERATA NE*mumblecough*!!
*in the halls of Moria*
CLANG!!!
Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!
Pippin: *gulp* Okay! *jumps down the well*
Gandalf: Ack! Fool of a Took!
Gandalf:Bud
Aragorn: Wise
Pippin: errrrrrrrrr
Frodo (singing): Where, oh where did my little ring go, where oh where can it be?
Sam: Are you implying something, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Er....
Sam (whispering to Gollum): Okay, you sneak up behind him while I distract him. Grab the Ring and make towards the rondezvous [rendezvous?] point by an alternate route. Then we...
Denethor: Hello! Welcome to the Castle anthrax!
Frodo & Sam are thrown into the back room at Henneth Annun*
Faramir: (to guard) Make sure the Halfling doesn't leave the room, until I come and get him.
Guard: Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him.
Faramir: no no, until I come and get him.
Guard: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
Faramir: no no, you stay in the room, and make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: Until you come and get him.
Faramir: Right.
Guard: We don't need to do anything apart from just stopping him entering the room.
Faramir: Leaving the room.
Guard: Right?
Faramir: Okay. (starts to leave)
Guard: Oh wait! If he, um wha wha, if he-
Faramir: yes, what is it?
Guard: If he um, oh...
Faramir: Look, it's quite simple: you stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: Oh, I remember, can he leave the room with us?
Faramir: No, you keep him in here--
Guard: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he has to leave, and we're with him--
Faramir: No, just keep him in here--
Guard: Until you, or anyone else--
Faramir: No, not anyone else, just me--
Guard: Just you...
Faramir: Get back.
Guard: Get back.
Faramir: Right?
Guard: Right, we'll stay here till youg get back.
Faramir: And make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: The halfling?
Faramir: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: Oh, of course, I thought you meant him! (points to other guard) It seemed a bit daft, me having to guard him when he's a guard.
Faramir: Is that clear?
Guard: Oh quite clear, no problems!
(Faramir walks away, the guards follow him)
Faramir: Where're you going?
Guard: We're coming with you.
Faramir: No no, I want you to stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard: Oh, see, right.
(meanwhile, Frodo & Sam have escaped, and made off with 3 loaves of bread, a barrell of wine, and both the guards' pants.)
Gandalf to Balrog: Uhh.. Tea?
Balrog: Sure!
*pause*
Balrog: Hey, I asked for NO SUGAR you fool!! *destroyes bridge*
Gandalf: Nooooo! *falls into chasm*
Balrog: Um, whoops... sorry about that, I got a little carried away...
Legolas: Arrr matey! Ye look like a scurvy sea dog! *ahem* Err.. I mean, you look terrible....
Aragorn: Thankee me heartie...ack! Hannon le.....thats what I meant to say, dang pirates...
Gollum: Frodo Baggins! What an honour it is to meet you sir.... *whacks himself in the head with Sam's pots*
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