Patrick Whalen's Letters
On February 3, 2004, I sent the following e-mail message to the campaign of Senator John Kerry.
Dear Senator Kerry and Staff:
This morning on one of the national TV networks (I do not know which one), someone from the Bush campaign or staff asserted, "We are on the verge of a great economic recovery." Please don't let him get away with saying that. If he had said it in front of the 15,000 workers being laid off by Kodak, their response would have been, "Get a rope."
Despite an M.A. in English, 20 years of secretarial experience, two published books of nonfiction, six months in computer school, and hundreds of mailed resumes, I have not been granted a single interview. Something is wrong, and it is not my resume.
Despite the President's claims, job training cannot be equated with job creation. It is too indirect a route, and so are the President's tax cuts. Let's face it: How are we going to get away with tax cuts while financing a war?
Has anyone ever thought of stimulating the economy by bringing down the loan-shark interest rates that people pay on their credit cards? Consumer debt is probably at an all-time high, but it seems that no one ever mentions it.
The other offensive remark by the Bush campaign worker was that Senator Kerry's remarks on Bush's war record were "despicable." President Bush and his aides are still implying the same message: Anything said against the President is treason.
I am a registered Democrat from New York, and I never miss a primary. Although I am still in the "Undecided" column, I will certainly vote for Senator Kerry if he is the nominee. Now that I think about it, I'll vote for any Democratic nominee except Charles Manson.
Sincerely,
Patrick Whalen, M.A.
Isn't it disturbing that the Commander in Chief of America's nuclear warheads cannot pronounce nuclear? Listen to him closely; you will hear him say new-kew-ler.
New Feature: Letters to the Other Imelda Marcos. "Mrs. Marcos" is a former co-worker of mine. Her nickname is Imelda Marcos because of her strong interest in shoes. The following letter will be the first of many letters.
Valentine's Day, 2005
Dear Mrs. Marcos:
There is time for only a brief note today. I want to buy my lottery ticket before the snow comes down harder (It is beginning to snow upstate.) The chance of winning is horribly remote, but at least it is better than my chance of finding a job.
I have to write to at least one friend to make yesterday's decision official. Yesterday I decided to give up all serious attempts to look for full-time employment. A job search that has not resulted in a nickel has cost me hundreds of hours of research time. No more! Spring will be here before long, and I may as well earn money by mowing lawns. If a job falls into my lap, however, I'll take it.
Yesterday was memorable in other ways too. I began training with weights, partly because the weather is too cold for outdoor running. Weights and an exercise bicycle are in my basement.
I also resumed my regular study of German after a long absence away from it. German will be necessary for my computer and math projects.
How will I pay bills? I don't know, but at least I won't be broke and without study time.
'Bye for now. I'll call before long.
Happy Valentine's Day,
Brain Exploder
February 27, 2005
Dear Mrs. Marcos:
Sunday gives me a fresh start on my projects. Today you can accompany me.
6:00 a.m. Slowly I stretch before going downstairs to make Assam tea.
6:30 a.m. The day's work begins with the resumption of the Martha Stewart Project. I am referring to the construction of my web site, as well as to any study of web design. Martha Stewart's web site is my role model of web sites; I have therefore named my project after her.
7:30 a.m. Today is the feast day of the Blessed Mark Barkworth, martyr of England. (I looked up that information on Catholic Online.) He is therefore the one to whom I'll direct my day's lottery prayers. Meanwhile, Concepcion's daily number (874) still comes up about once a year.
8:15 a.m. Dad is 85 and can't get around much these days. I therefore go to the supermarket to get him his morning paper. Sometimes he tips me the price of a lottery ticket.
8:45 a.m. The Imelda Marcos Project (formerly the Michelangelo Project) resumes in my basement with the equivalent of a seven-mile ride on the stationary bicycle. I am referring to the cross-training exercises that I'll do when the weather is too cold for running. After the bike ride, I do stomach and chest exercises. I have named the workouts after you because I want you to see me looking well and fit when we meet again.
10:50 a.m. The day's math research begins. The code name for my math project is Operation Epsilon. (In Brain Bombardment I wrote about the reason for that name.) It refers to my desire for an eventual Ph.D. in math. For now I am doing research for my third book, Algebra Without Witches.
12:45 p.m. My parents have prospective buyers for a building across the street. The buyers have arrived early while my parents are still at Mass. I keep the buyers entertained while we wait for my parents to return.
1:30 p.m. I'll be studying more math later in the day, but I do not want to study too much at once. At this moment I am reading Jamsa's C/C++ Programmer's Bible, which I wrote about in Brain Bombardment. Learning the C/C++ programming languages is an important part of the Rosetta Project: my eventual creation of a computer chess program.
2:00 p.m. Improving my German is an important part of the Rosetta Project. That's because Schach am PC, a book on computer chess programming, is available only in German. I spend a few minutes learning the German equivalents of Is there? and There is.
2:15 p.m. It is time for Operation Hatchet. Its purpose is to make or win enough money so that I can chop up all my credit cards, mail them back to the banks, and get the loan sharks out of my life forever. When that happens, we'll celebrate with lunch at a nice restaurant.
A subset of Operation Hatchet is Operation Can-Can: redeem enough abandoned bottles and cans to pay for lottery tickets. Inside the garbage basket outside Renny's Deli upstate, I find 12 abandoned bottles of Michelob. I redeem them (and five other bottles or cans) at the supermarket. That gives me 85¢, which is exactly 85¢ more than what I make from looking for a job. I kick in another 15¢ to buy a lottery ticket on Concepcion's number. Hey, what else am I supposed to do with the 85¢? It won't pay bills, and it won't go into the bank.
3:25 p.m. I'm back at the house; Mom is preparing a Sunday dinner of pot roast. Because math is the most exhausting of all my subjects, I like to do at least some of it before the evening. Then I can do the less exhausting study if I am feeling the evening fizzle.
4:05 p.m. Mom calls from downstairs. We are having pot roast for dinner, and it is time to set the table.
4:30 p.m. The pot roast is accompanied by mashed potatoes, gravy, and carrots. I drink red grape juice with it. Even if I could afford the wine, I'd stick to the grape juice because of math. If I were going to study Twain or Hemnigway, I could get away with having wine; but with math, forget it.
Someday I may work on the Grove Street Project again; i.e., be able to enjoy a good wine from time to time. Grove Street Syrah is one of my favorite moderately priced red wines. I would enjoy bringing it to a restaurant in Little India; but now I have neither the time nor the money, and I need to earn both.
Toward the end of the dinner, I swallow a high-potency B-complex vitamin. I am doing it as part of Operation Superbrain, which is a subset of Operation Epsilon. B vitamins are necessary for proper mental functioning.
5:30 p.m. Lidia's Italian Kitchen is on (Channel 13). My mother is Italian; on Sunday we watch Lidia together.
6:00 p.m. I am frightened. Doomsday is two weeks away, according to my calculations. On Doomsday I'll have to inform my parents about my credit card bills. My parents may not help me unless I first cut down my nails—something that I absolutely do not want to do.
6:10 p.m. I have returned to my studies, this time for Operation End User. The goal is to become an authority on at least one end-user software application. I have chosen to continue learning more about good old WordPerfect 6.0 for DOS. Why WordPerfect 6.0? For three reasons: 1) I am learning it for myself, not for anyone else; 2) For my purposes, it is better to learn an older application thoroughly than a newer application superficially; 3) I have already finished reading the first half of an 1,100-page book on WordPerfect 6.0; someday I'll finish all of it. Operation End User was originally called the Super Secretarial Plan; but since I don't expect to be going back to work as a secretary for anyone, I'll study for myself rather than for someone else.
8:00 p.m. The evening fizzle has come early. I am starting to fizzle out from my day's study. It is time to work on something light, such as Project Updike. The author John Updike is known for his extraordinary vocabulary. I want to be like him since I am an author too.
9:30 p.m. It is been a productive day. Good-bye for now. I'll write or call in another week.
Love,
Brain Exploder
November 25, 2005
Dear Mrs. Marcos,
I am thinking of having my math book be Book No. 4 instead of Book No. 3. For my third book, I may be writing something about tomatoes. In the meantime, I am mailing you a copy of Brain Bombardment. It will be background material for what I will write in the future.
I called Granny a few days ago. She is recovering from surgery. Unfortunately, I was calling her at a bad time. I'll try again next week.
Love,
Brain Exploder
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