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WHY MEN CAN'T GET OUT OF BED
>
> BRAIN SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
>
> CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
>
> CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
>
> NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to
> Clarksville."
>
> CENTRAL: Goodness, are we being tortured?
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
>
> CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's
> a woman sleeping there.
>
> CENTRAL: A woman?
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna
> Kournikova.
>
> CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
>
> CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want
> to take it?
>
> CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
>
> STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it...it looks bad, sir.
>
> CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
>
> STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about
> 1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't...I don't
> know if she can take much more, Captain.
>
> CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on
> you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the chilli of '94? We made
> it through that, we can make it through anything.
>
> STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.
>
> CENTRAL: Good man.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!
>
> CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.
>
> CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!
>
> NUMBER ONE: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.
>
> CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought...I thought that we'd
> had the worst of it yesterday.
>
> SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
>
> CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we go
> conscious now, this early?
>
> NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
>
> CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I
> don't...don't know if I can live through that hell again.
>
> SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
>
> CENTRAL: Hmmm?
>
> NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
>
> CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders!
> Let's get ourselves moving.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
>
> SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
>
> CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our
> remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that
> feels like a snooze button. Tell them to MOVE. Bladder!
>
> BLADDER: Yes sir?
>
> CENTRAL: How are you holding?
>
> BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another
> three hours, easy.
>
> CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
>
> NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
>
> CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
>
> NOSE: We registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was
> pretty faint and I didn't think...
>
> CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
>
> NOSE: Thank you, sir.
>
> CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a
> burrito last night.
>
> NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
>
> CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear me?
> Hold on,and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through to
> Consciousness.
>
> NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.
>
> CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!
>
> STOMACH: Sir?
>
> CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
>
> STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in
> flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise anything.
>
> CENTRAL: Damn!
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
>
> CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him. Any
> report from our search party?
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of
> water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the
> snooze, sir.
>
> CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this
> under control we're going to lose her.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that
> the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
>
> CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to
> commercial, sir.
>
> CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
>
> NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile
> control in the lower facial and we're developing a frown.
>
> CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on
> target!
>
> CENTRAL: Fire!
>
> NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
>
> CENTRAL: Ears!
>
> NUMBER ONE: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
>
> CENTRAL: We've done it!
>
> SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep
> mode now ready.
>
> CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
>
> CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
>
> CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking
> for something naked, sir.
>
> CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for
> church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is
> rolling, sir.
>
> CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
>
> NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.
>
>The Cow Theory
Is the amount of cloud coverage proportionate to the amount of
cows
sitting down?
To prove this theory I travelled to Jersey, known to have the
most
cows in the UK and home to some of the UK's sunniest weather,
coincidence, I think not.
It is a well known fact that cows crap 16 times a day and their
flatulence produces 30% of the worlds methane. Working on the
theory
that "if the cows are sitting down then rain is imminent"
should
mean that if cows are sitting down there should be total cloud
coverage. Does this work the other way round and if so why?
On a
sunny cloudless day, are all the cows standing up and on a
overcast
day is the amount of cows sitting down proportionate to the
amount of
clouds in the sky.
After much scientific research I have discovered to the
amazement of
the science and farming community that this theory holds true.
THis
is because the cows sit down first, thus causing their
flatulence to
be "placed" into the ground. The methane which would normally
disperse the clouds is then locked into the ground thus causing
clouds to form. When the cows stand up the methane is released
and
the clouds disperse, thus causing the rain to disappear. So if
half
the field of cows is sitting down and the other half are up and
producing methane then there will be a cloud coverage of 50%.
Yet to be proved is why India, a country where the cow is held
sacred, has some of the sunniest weather yet lots of cows.
This year
I shall attempt to undertake this study and will produce my
results
in the Scientific Journal.
University of Memphis
Hogwarts
Andrea Bocelli
Billericay Tennis Club
Brentwood Cricket Club
Vespa
Send E-Mail to: alisonoddy@yahoo.co.uk
Copyright © 2007 Alison Oddy. All Rights Reserved