My Words for You
I have been told to write a book, but who knows where to start? Many people it just comes naturally to, but some of us need to try at it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I can write, and I love to do so, but I comes in spurts. When you have to be in a certain meed to write, is that wrong?! When something major has to happen to you, in order to get your thoughts on paper, is that wrong?! I don't know how to go about it. I mean, what are books really all about? Do all of us ever understand the true meaning of what a book is written about? Of course we don't. Books are written for everyone to interpret them in thier own way. But the one thing that bothers me is that I don't truly know what the autor is trying to get at. You are probably thinking that now. You are thinking, why am I reading this?, why is she writing a book about books? Well acctually that is not what this is about. I t is about understanding the true meaning of what people say. many people say things to you all of the time, but do we acctually know what they are trying to get across. Do we actually know the message they are sending. Honestly, no we don't. We always wonder what is going through their heads at the exact same moment that we are speaking to them. Do you ever wonder that maybe what they are saying isn't true. That maybe what they are saying to you is just a cover up for what they really mean? I do. I guess it comes with being as self concious as I am, but I'm sure they feel the same way. That you beging to think to yourself wondering if you have a stupid look on you face because you are trying to understand just what they are thinking. It happens to everyone, no matter how much they deny it. But the world is completly run by people who don't say what they truly mean. They say whay needs to be said at that moment in time and think that it is sufficient. But then there are people like me who come along and try to decipher the meaning of things. I don't try to be so analytical, but it just seems to come along with who I am. I am the type who likes to know what is on your mind, so that maybe I can learn more about you. That maybe I can make both our lives easier and be able to help you if youare ever having a problem. I get a thrill out of meeting people who think the way I do. I have only met two. One is a male. I never thought the male mind could be capable of thnking in so much depth. The male species' usually only have one thing on their minds and that just happens to be a major part of the male anatomy. But I guess that is what you get when you continue to talk to people your own age. I have never seemed to be able to connect with other girls. One girl that I have gotten to know a little better thinks that same way. We keep eachother on our toes because of our in depth conversations. It seems as though we don't understand a thing, but in truth, I think we understand more than what our brains and thought patterns are capable of understanding at this point in time. With many young adults, our minds are just an abstract pattern of intermingled ideas that we spend our late childhood trying to figure our. But it seems that no matter how hard we try, there is just no escape for the time being. We learn to deal with this, but it is more so just trying to forget about responsibilities and we push these to the back of our minds until the day they are ready to make sense. My intermingled ideas have always seemed to be at the tip of my tongue ready to come out and say what is needed to say, but unless you have an itellectual equal, there is no point in bringing it up. Everyone thinks that I am a quiet person, but in truth I am just a child. I feel more like a person who has lived for hundreds of years, but I am trapped in the body of someone a thousand times younger than what my mind works at. But one thing my mind doesn't understand is why it seems that the world goes on when I really feel it shouldn't. Like when someone close to you passes away and you want to turn back time, but the world keeps advancing. Does anyone realize what is acctually going on in my head? When they say they understand, the question that runs through my mind is... do they really?
I spend my life observing. Observing all of the conversations and actions put on by other people. I always wonder if they know they are being watched. They don't seem to. I know it seems kind of like I am being a stalker, but really I am not. We all observe people. Some just more than others. When I look at people, I try to think about it and find out what they are thinking. Everyone wonders. But with the wide variety of facial expressions it is really hard to tell. I have heard a quote that is very motivational... unless you are trying to find out the true meaning. "What is beneath us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." What are we trying to say? That nothing matters but ourselves. We all have moments in time where all we think, talk and act on is ourselves, however, others need help too. Not everyone can sort things out on his or her own. Some need guidence. I have been there. When all that is going on is far too much for me to handle. But does going to get counselling really help us? I mean, we go in, talk about whatever it is that we need to say, and then we walk out. While you were in there, were you really helped? Do you feel your mind start to become clearer? I never have. Maybe it is just me, but counselling has never helped. For example, I go in, very depressed, and I talk. But the problem is that I really don't want to talk. I have never been one to share my feelings. But talking to this counseller hasn't helped me at all by the time I leave. How do we really know that when I leave that office that I am not going to go out and kill myself because talking didn't help? I haev always though that I was going crazy, but then I realize that it is just my mind. I am not going crazy. I just need to find my intellectual equal and hang on to that. When you can carry on a conversation for hours and there is constantly a challenge in though that you put forth on eachother, then you have found it. I have, but I let it get away. Him and I would go out and talk for hours at a time, without silence, and we would keep eachother on our toes. I think that is why we got along so well. The fact that we were bored with the average conversation with someone on the street. We needed a challenge and then we stumbled upon each other. Well not really, a friend of mine introduced me to him, and I can remember the first time I met him so clearly. It was New Year's Eve and my friend and I were driving around in the next town. We ran into some people she knew, so we stopped to chat and then we drove some more. We ended up going to the party where her friends were and she had always said to me that I have to meet this guy. I had no idea what to expect. I didn't set myself up for anything though. I just left myself open for anything. I mean, I was meeting him for the first time. I don't like to judge people so this was the best way to do things. Well we all left the party together and we talked for hours that night. We also got together everyday that week, because we just had so much fun. We went out every night and just talked. We were at peace with the presence of eachother. Soon enough it all changed. He found out some horrible news and didn't really know how to deal with it. He withdrew himself from me for a while and I just sat back and worried. I thought, I have finally found the one person who can challenge me every step of the way down the road of life, and he is withdrawing himself? Truth?! I was very upset. I no longer knew what to do with myself, because if he was gone, who would I share my crazy abstract thoughts with. They always seemed to mean something to him. There was a wierd link between our minds so that he somehow knew exactly what I was thinking and no matter how crazy the thought, he had a way of analyzing it so that it made so much more sense. I miss it. I haven't been challenged in a very long time.
The curser is blinking on the screen, as I stare at it and think of where to take you next. It is almost as if it is saying that I know where the next step is so just hurry up and get on with it. That is what the cursor is saying. That is what the incessent blinking is about. If I just type really fast then the blinking stops and just moves across the screen. It is almost like my life. Where I sit back and obsere every situation and then take the next step, instead of just moving along with the situation. Is it possible to think too much? Is it possible to move to the right step in life without thinking too much? I haven't found the answer yet. I don't know where I am headed, and honestly I don't know if I am ready to grow up. What do we acctually grow up to? Money problems, relationship problems, career problems... it all just seems like a big hassle to me. I always wonder if I can just miss the growing up stage. Just go from being a kid to being too old to really know or care what I am doing. But maybe there is much more to the growing up thing. I mean, in a way it is almost exhileratin, because who knows what will happen next. They say to just leave the kids alone. They will educate themselves. We just need to give them the things they need to do so. But does this force kids to grow up too quickly? We don't know, because children are never left alone to educate themselves. They are never able to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Do parents that tell children what to do and when acctually help the child? Or does it just shelter them? I am a child, I guess. I have made many mistakes along the way, and I have learned from them on my own. I think what worries parents so much, is that their children are growing up. Many parents want their kids to stay young forever, but we all need to grow up. Even those people who think they already have. But there is always a place and time for everything. Some people don't understand this. They feel that they can do what they want when they want to do it. I know some people who feel this way. I try to distance myself, but I know that too is wrong. Is there a way to tell people like this, that what they are doing is in the wrong place at the wrong time?
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