Vent Central By Lissa Jensen

My Trip to Washington D.C.
By Lissa Jensen

Oh my god , I can't believe that Washington D.C trip is finally over. It kicked our asses. We didn't crash and burn, but, we almost did. I swear I was laughing and the only thing funnier would've been to crash and burn because it was soooooo typical of my ability to predict the worst. My one friend thinks I expect the worst so that when the worst happens I can say, "See I knew this would happen," but, really , bad things happen when you travel 99.9 % of the time. I have traveled alot in my day and that is why I am afraid to travel now. I mean I was once stuck in an Egyptian airport for 2 days because of the fighting going on and it was so dangerous we slept in shifts to make sure no one snuck up and slit our throats. I swear to god, it was radical...... I had an airplane flight once prepare for a crash landing because the landing gear wouldn't come down, talk about seeing your life flash before your eyes. When shit like this happens, you tend to be a little cynical.

So when we took off from Limburgh Field, on last Sunday night, I was scared out of my mind. I took some zanax on the way to the airport, but, I was still really nervous. We get on the plane and my heart is pounding through my chest. As we were taxing down the runway, I squeezed my daughter's hand with total anxiety.

After about two hours of what I term, a living hell, we hit a thunder storm. Everytime a lightening bolt barely missed a wing, I would roar with laughter because I had predicted it. I can tell you this, I must have a pretty strong heart because if ever I was going to have a heart attack that would've been the time. Have you seen any airplane disaster movies where the plane is shaking all over the place and the people are looking at each other with stark terror in their eyes? Well this was the scene. What's even funnier is that once we finally did land, we had to get back on a connecting flight. Ahahahahahahha! I was holding it all in, but, scared shitless doesn't even begin to cover it.

Fate is a funny thing. You know it dishes out just enough to bring you to the brink of insanity and then just to screw with you, it gives you a break and you regain control. Well my friends, that's just what fate did to me. Just when I thought I would crack my crock, the connecting flight to Washington D.C., couldn't have been more pleasureable. The storm had cleared, the skies were blue and the flight was smooth as glass. Phew! So we get to D.C. Hallelujah!

From plane to bus for a 2 hour drive to Jefferson's home in Virginia, Monticello, then on to Williamsburg. Did you know that you can rent the houses in Williamsburg and live in this cute little colonial village and send your kids to the little school? It is too cute for words. They had an apothecary shop, a wig shop, a silver shop, a blacksmith, a tavern, a bakery, and a darling little church. I want to take a year and go do it. I loved it there. So you see fate is luring me back to a comfortable level. I fell for it too.

The next day it was back on the bus and back to Washington D.C. On the way, 2 kids and 1 adult made the bus driver pull over so that they could vomit because they were car sick. Tension starts to set in. We pick up a guide at Arlington cemetary who turns out to be a combination of Attila the Hun and Hitler. Very unpleasant person. When the kids would ask him a question he would mock them openly, saying things like, "I don't even under what your saying so yes to whatever you said." What an asshole. He pulled me to the side and he said, "You see all those black suburbans over there? They have secret service agents in them with machine guns and if the kids make any sudden movements they could open fire so keep the kids in line." What!? Then he says, "Washington is filled with pedophiles so don't let the kids out of your sight. We've had many kids fondled on these trips." What the hell!? Tension mounts and I ponder popping a tranquilzer, but, I figure I will need my wits about me in order to dodge bullets and perverts.

By some miracle we made it through, a session with Congress, The Smithonian Museums where we got lost and couldn't find our way out of the American History Museum, The Capital, Arlington Cemetary, Lincoln Memorial, Vietnam Memorial, Ford Theatre, Jefferson Memorial, Washington Memorial, The Newseum, Union Station, The White House, The Washington National Cathedral, The National Archives and a meeting with our representative, Randy "Duke" Cunningham, all in a day and half.

Now remember, I am a chaperon on this trip. I am not only responsible for my own child, but, two other 13 year old girls. I have to get them through this trip without getting shot, fondled, kidnapped, lost, and I must make sure they go to the bathroom and are fed. And have you ever heard of slam books? They are books little girls make up that have questions and they give it to their friends to fill out. Questions like 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' And I swear I am not making this up, one of the girls I had in my group put down "exotic dancer" and the other one said "cousin to the devil".......Actually they both turned out to be sweet kids, but, it was stressful being responsible for them.....And do you think either of the mother's called afterwards to thank me for keeping their child alive. Hell no......

The one shining beacon of calm that kept me from going over the edge were the gift shops. Waves of joy serged over my body everytime the guide said, "You have 15 minutes in the gift shops." I brought home copies of the Declaration of Independence, Liberty Bells, miniature Staue of Liberties, fake quill pens, giant pencils with monuments to Phildelphia on them, books about Gettyburg, Washington D.C., New York, and little carved wooden horses from the amish, civil war bullets, pieces of meteors, t-shirts, keychains, videos, post-cards, and two sixteen dollar giant lollipops. My prized possession being a Staue of Liberty lighter......Spending money was my escape and I needed to escape, alot...........

In New York we saw The Music Man, with Eric McCormick, the guy who plays Will from Will and Grace, as the lead role...(Insert mouth noise of confidence here.) Went shopping on 5th avenue in New York, (keep sucking air through your teeth,).....and peed in the bathroom of the Plaza Hotel, berber..........Yep, I'm a world traveler and I'm pretty cool......

The final plunge on this seven day rollercoaster, was the plane trip home. We arrived at LaGuardia airport only to find out that our flight had been canceled due to mechanical problems. Now here we are stuck in New York with 35 tired, hungry kids that just want to go home. The best the airline can do is get us on a flight to LAX and bus us down to San Diego, but, first we have to transfer to Kennedy Airport.

At Kennedy we find out that they have over booked the flight by 50, the exact amount in our group, and they can't guarantee that we will get on. They announce over the loud speaker that they will give a $700.00 voucher to anyone who will give up their seat to help get these poor students get home. At first it looks like only 20 of us are going to get on this flight, then 30 then 49, leaving one girl, one of the ones in my group, the exotic dancer, without a ticket. You should've seen her little face. She was scared out of her mind. I said, "I can't go without her." They made me get on the plane and promised she would get on. I sat on the plane, sweating bullets and begging the stewardess to tell me the minute she got on.

Finally at the last minute they bribed someone in first class and she got a seat. We are all on the plane, scattered throughout, my own daughter didn't even get to sit with me, tired and stressed to the max. The pilot announces over the loud speaker that this plane is experiencing mechanical problems and they need to replace a part in the engine. So we sit on the plane for an hour and a half while they hopefully fix this problem with the engine. My nerves were shot and I prayed they would serve alcohol soon.

The good part of the story is, the plane was a luxury liner so it was nice and big. They showed a movie, Chocolat, and it was a pretty smooth ride. We arrived in L.A. at 2 in the morning and boarded seven shuttle buses to take us to The Del Mar Hilton. We arrived in Del Mar at 4 am.
Tim and all the other parents were expecting us to be at the Hilton at 1:30, so most of them had gone home. We had to call our spouses to get picked up and wait while they came to get us. Tired and barely alive, my daughter and I wept. We survived, as well if not better than Colby or Tina, a harrowing, yet fun, experience from hell. And I am here to tell you, we are better and stronger for it........

P.S. Connor and Tim had an adventure too while we were gone. My cat brought in a chewed up, but, still alive rat and left it in the garage. Connor heard it squeaking and they discovered it was suffering alot of pain. They got out the B. B. gun and shot it. The blood stain is still in the garage. I told Tim that he should've taken the rat to the vet and had it put to sleep. Poor rat....I can't believe Tim let Connor shoot that rat. He said it was a right to passage. See what happens when I'm gone. Man oh man.........

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