Bad Love


"The moth that trusts the candle's fire
Is willing martyr to her own desire."
Also taken from"A Requiem For Love"

Let me word this in a way that can be more easily understood...
the one who trusts a bad relationship is a willing victim to their own desires.
I have fallen martyr to a bad love myself. Love is strange. Sometimes what looks so good and so caring is actually so dangerous and so hating. I thought I had found the love of my life. All my dreams would come true. But in reality all my dreams came crshing down.
The man I thought loved me was only a boy with a heart full of lust. I spent nearly two full years in torment but the whole time loving with all my heart, soul, and being this man who so profoundly beat, raped and degraded me into a state of depression.
I spent the next two years in a deep depression so strong that I felt I could never love again. And to make matters worse, when I would begin to improve he would confront me, stalk me, yell obsenities directed at me in public or break into my home and destroy my items. I felt I was traped and there was no way out.
That was until I took him to court. My parents stood closely by my side as we waited for him to walk in to the room. Ten minutes went by, then thirty and still he had not come. With tears streaming down my eyes I left defeated and deeper than ever in my world of darkness, shame, guilt, and loneliness.
To feel loved I went to the extremes. I slept with many men. I gave away all my pride and let others take advantage of myself in hopes that during the process they would, if even for a moment hold me close and whisper some thing of love in my ear. I felt that then and only then was I ever worth anything and in truth it was then I was making myself worth nothing.
So to court we went again this time being told that the judge could do nothing for my offender was under the age of eighteen and no one, not the juvenille courts nor the adult courts wanted to deal with him because he was seventeen (I was 15) and would to soon be an adult for the juvenille courts and not yet of age to be tried as an adult.
From then until I finally sat down and tearfully told my parents the entire saga I felt alone, dead to the world and without love.
Now I am okay. I have found a love that is unlike any other in the world. He would bend over backwards for me. He would grant my every wish and in his arms I feel safe. I feel like a princess when he holds me near. I do not think I could ever have found a more perfect man.
However, most all of my childhood has been wasted. There are no fun memories of "girl's night out" he would not let me go out with any one but him. There are no "last dances to remember" he did not like taking me to public places. There are no "days at the beach" he would not let me wear a swimsuit unless it was only me and him. For at least the next year or so I will remain on antidepresents. I have not slept for an entire night for three years. I can not sleep without having dreams of horor. All of this for my one mistake.
Wait! Do not let this discourage you. In fact I have written all of this to incourage you. There are ways out. I made it did I not?
- if you are suffering through what I did please following the following advice. It is critical to your well being. I know I could have and should have left at the first signs of violence, but I stayed because I loved him and I thought he loved me.
- is it love go to "Love Is"
- if not... leave FAST I can not stress enough FAST as in NOW!
- get help, from a parent, counselor, friend, teacher, doctor, etc.
- tell yourself that you are not to blame that you have done nothing wrong
- stand up for yourself do not let him or any one else put you down
- stay away from your offender
- sever all ties with your offender
- if it is serious enough get an "Ex Parte" and let the police rough him/her up alittle bit.
- Most importantly remember that you are a special person, that God has some one, the right one out there for you, do not give up, love is given not earned in the same manner what was given to you was not earned you deserve far better!!!

"It is the eye that bids the fingers reach.
It is the touching finger that
Calls its parent-hand to grasp and
hold.
But, grasping kills all
That the eye at first desired.
So touch is strong narcotic,
Begging lovers to an addiction."
as taken from "A Requiem For Love" by Calvin Miller

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