This is the third interview in this series, and I have to admit that I'm wobbly at the knees just thinking about introducing my next guest. Mary, mother of Jesus, welcome to the programme.
A pleasure to be here.
May I get straight to the point?
Please do.
Are you a virgin?
Young man, that is a very personal question.
I know, but we've gotta cut to the chase here. Your son Jesus reckons that you were a veritable baby factory, popping 'em out like peas from a pod.
All you need concern yourself with is that I remained faithful to Joseph, my husband.
Excuse my lack of tact, but according to the bible you were well and truly up the duff before you got married, any comment?
I have no idea what the bible claims, but yes, I was six months pregnant when Joseph married me.
What part did the "holy spirit" play in your pregnancy?
The only spirit, as far as I recall, was a flagon of grape brandy that Joseph bought to get me pissed... sorry, relaxed.
Randy on brandy huh... Oh jeeze I'm funny! But I've got to nail - no pun intended - this down, was Jesus a virgin birth, or not?
What are you talking about?
Did your husband put his pee-pee into your ho-ho?
My husband made love to me in the normal manner and the result was that I became pregnant. With twins as it happens.
With twins! Who was first out the box?
James was born several minutes before Jesus, if that's what you mean. Thomas was born the following year, then Rebecca, then two more boys.
That's very interesting. The world has been led to understand that Jesus was your only child.
How would "the world" know?
Good point. I assumed that there was someone from the 'Yiddish Times' following you around taking notes.
Why would they? Joseph and I were just ordinary people. He was a carpenter and I was his wife.
So there were no reporters in the stable in Bethlehem recording the birth of Jesus?
I repeat, why would there be?
Yes, well, now that you mention it, it does sound rather unlikely. Well then, were you visited by three wise men?
Are there that many?
Ha ha – a joke. Wonderful, the Madonna has a sense of humour.
What's with this Madonna nonsense?
Aren't you the Madonna? And are you quite sure that you weren't impregnated by a dove which descended from heaven carrying the holy spirit of "god" in its beak?
What are you on? Whatever it is, give it up, it's affecting your brain.
What about the "Holy Trinity"? Don't you own a one-third share in JJ&M Pty Ltd?
You're starting to irritate me. The "Holy Trinity" so-called, was an 11th century invention and no serious scholar pays any attention to it.
OK, we'll skip that subject. What sort of a boy was Jesus?
He was strange, very serious and melancholy, but we got on OK until...
Until?
He became involved with a cult.
Which cult was that?
The Essenes.
How old was he, and how did that experience change him?
He was just thirteen when they approached him, they were standing outside the synagogue yelling, "Repent ye! Repent ye!" and handing out leaflets to anyone silly enough to take one.
And did Jesus take one?
He did, and he got sucked right in. It was frightening. They convinced him that he was some kind of wunderkind, a sort of Jewish witchdoctor. It was so distressing, and very embarrassing.
Why embarrassing?
Well, years later when he visited Nazareth, he tried to pull a few rabbits out of a hat and he failed miserably. There he was, standing on top of a piano, yelling, "I'm the Greatest!" And nothing worked. The Nazarenes were so offended they chased him out of town and tried to toss him over a cliff.
But he escaped?
Yes he did. Thank the Lord.
Is that the Lord, Jehovah?
He's m' man.
OK, How did Jesus differ from your other children?
He was very intense, always talking about death and hell, and horrible things like that. The other boys used to call him "Whiney Hymie."
Did he have a sense of humour, at all?
Sad to say, Jesus never once laughed in his whole life.
Despite that, was Jesus your favourite son?
Not really, he had such a dour personality, he was hard to love. And regrettably, once he became an Essene cause celebre he was a real pain in the hind quarters. If anything, Thomas was my favourite son, he wrote such beautiful poetry.
What about Jesus, what did he write?
Nothing. Jesus was illiterate. Thomas and James were the intelligent ones.
I see, that would explain why everything was left to chance, no written records of his existance.
Thomas kept notes, and there was one man, Josephus, who mentioned m' boy in his 'In Town Tonight' column.
Unfortunately Thomas' notes have been trashed by the church and Josephus' snippet has been ammended, adjusted, revised and pumped fuller than Pamela Anderson's tits.
I beg your pardon.
Never mind. Now what about girlfriends, did Jesus have girlfriends, or was he as some people have suggested - gay?
Jesus was not particularly interested in anything of a sexual nature, he was very moral.
And how do you account for that?
Well, shortly after his circumcision, an infection turned his penis septic and it had to be amputated.
Good grief, how dreadful.
It was pretty ghastly, but there again, one in four boys suffered the same fate. Remember we had no sterile instruments in those days, circumcisions were performed with dirty, blunt knives. Frequently the infants died of haemorrhage or shock. Jesus just lost his dick, excuse me, his penis.
That could account for his fanatical rantings and ravings about adultery and fornication and the like?
Quite possibly. Inwardly he brooded, it became an obsession. I'm sure you can understand the rage he experienced as a result of his mutilation.
Absolutely, wow, the dickless messiah, not a good look.
No it wasn't, and sometimes I wondered if circumcision was such a good idea. I mean, if God had wanted to single us out from other races, why didn't he give us green hair, or something?
You know, that's something I should've asked Jehovah when he was here last week. If he disliked the foreskin so much, why didn't he design the penis without it?
I did ask that question once and I was told that even gods have bad hair days when everything goes wrong.
Fair enough. Mother Mary, might this, what shall we call it – genital impairment – have been responsible for Jesus' horrible outbursts concerning castration and mutilation?
Now that you mention it, I think it was. He became obsessed with purity. He went so far as to advocate that people amputate their hands and gouge out their eyes for harbouring so much as one lustful thought.
That wouldn't have gone down too well.
It didn't, especially among the descendants of Solomon with their whorehouses and armies of concubines.
How come the royals didn't get stoned to death for adultery?
Only women got stoned to death, the men got off with a few demerit points.
How patriarchal. Did Jesus try to intervene?
His goal was to stamp out fornication. As far as he was concerned the more people who got stoned to death, the better. They set an example for other would-be fornicators.
What about, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"?
Dream on. Jesus didn't say that, or anything like it.
But it's in the bible.
Ah, the bible. Yes, well that particular passage was forged and interpolated hundreds of years later. That's why it's been deleted from modern versions of your precious bible.
That'll come as a shock to liberal christians.
Yes, its a shame, but Jesus was only interested in condemning people to hell.
He must have been in a constant state of rage and frustration.
It was scary. He was so full of pent-up rage, I clearly remember him screaming at a fig tree and cursing it to death. I don't mind telling you, he had me worried.
Was he mad, do you think?
He had what you might call Armageddon Syndrome.
Mmmm, that can be serious.
I know, but it's the only way I can account for his wanting to destroy families and set the world ablaze. "I have come to cast fire upon the Earth," he would scream, "Cast ye into the everlasting fire..." He was obsessed with fire and burning people to death.
A pyromaniac! Few people realise that he was a pyromaniac.
It's probably just as well.
Mother Mary, I don't want to cause you distress, but can you tell us a little about the crucifixion of your son Jesus?
Well, it upset me, as you can imagine. Despite his weirdness, he didn't deserve such a horrible death.
But wasn't it necessary for him to die in order to cleanse the world of its sins?
Oh, that old chestnut. Understand, we Hebrews have this cruel and cowardly belief that if a man sins he can load his sins onto the back of a donkey, drive the donkey into a desert, and the sins will die with the donkey.
So Jesus was a surrogate donkey!
Correct.
Why didn't his father save him?
Joseph?
I think we're talking at cross purposes here. Why didn't "god" save him?
God was busy that day, counting feathers on sparrows and stuff like that. All I know is, Jesus died and the Romans dumped his body into a communal grave.
A communal grave?
Of course. That's what they did with messiahs and other troublemakers.
So what's all this stuff about rolling away the stone and angels and resurrections, etc. etc.?
I don't know. You tell me.
Didn't he spring back to life?
Errrh, could you pass me my hat, I've just remembered I've got to be at....
No, no, forgive me Mother Mary, I already know the answer but I have to ask pertinent questions. The bible claims that Jesus zoomed back to life after being crucified, and then numerous graves sprung open and the corpses of saints clambered out and strolled into Jerusalem to celebrate.
Oh really, well, may I suggest that you find an alternative source of inspiration.
You could be right. Mother Mary, before you go, do you appear to people in clouds, and on pizzas, and on billboards, and in tomato sauce, and on smeary windows? Do you make plaster statues weep and bleed? Do you piss your knickers and squirt milk out of your tits? Do you....
Security! Security! Please, let me out of here...
No, Mother Mary, I'm only voicing the opinions of those who love you and who claim to have seen you cruising around and... Damn!
Interview with Satan - http://www.webspawner.com/users/intsatan/
 INTERVIEW with JESUS |
| INTERVIEW with JEHOVAH |
| INTERVIEW with SATAN |
| BRIEF HISTORY of CHRISTIANITY |
Send E-Mail to: ozheretic@yahoo.com