Welcome to the fourth and final interview in this series. My guest tonight is Satan, alias Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness. Welcome sir.
Sorry I'm late, busy burning down schools and hospitals.
What is it about you? Why are you so nasty?
Gotta keep up appearances.
Meaning?
It's my image, you see, Lord of Evil and all that. Give the public what it wants, I always say.
So do you really burn down schools and hospitals?
Naaa, just old people's homes.
You're putting me on, right?
Shhhh, consider my reputation.
So what do you do?
Not much really, I'm a lazy bugger. I like watching cricket.
That hardly sounds like the epitome of evil.
No, but people need a little spice in their life, you know, something to love, something to hate. Evens things up a bit.
So you play the monster in order to frighten people?
Of course – aaahhrrr, coming to get'cha, grrrhhh!
That's childish.
Sorry, it's the best I can do.
Hold on. You're supposed to be the CEO of Hell. Aren't you?
Nice of you to say so but I'm too busy practicing the cha-cha-cha – "Tea for two, cha-cha, cha-cha, cha-chaaaa".
Are you trying to tell me that you don't commit any evil deeds?
No, I'm not saying that, I can be a real little demon when I'm in the mood.
Give me some examples.
Well, I burned King Alfred's cakes. You should've seen the look on his face when he pulled all those smoking lumps of charcoal from the oven – chuckle :)
Not exactly the crime of the century.
Alfred thought it was. Alright then, how about the time I got King Canute's feet wet?
That was his own stupid fault.
Of course, but he didn't know that. He blamed me.
What about really horrible deeds like wars and famines and plagues?
Goodness gracious, no, Jehovah sees to all the heavy stuff.
Yes, as a matter of fact, Jehovah was on this programme recently, and a really nasty piece of work he turned out to be.
See, I've known Jehovah since he was knee high to an AIDS virus. But in those days he was called Yahweh the farting god.
The farting god?
Oh yes, he used to fart something shocking, reckoned his anus sounded like a harp.
And did it?
He did a good rendition of Hava Nagila, but the smell, good grief, it was so bad I had to up and leave.
Is that why you left, I was taught it was because of a fight in heaven and you were expelled.
No way, the only thing being expelled were Jehovah's farts. Every Sunday, regular as clockwork, "Mine anus shall sound like an harp from Moab", and then pthzzzzzzzzzzz, on and on it'd go. I packed up and left. I wasn't kicked out of heaven I was farted out!
Now that you mention it, I remember reading that sentence in the bible.
Good book that, sort of Grimm's Fairy Tales for grown-ups.
It's a dreadful book, full of viciousness, horror and cruelty.
Be fair, you've got to remember that it was written by bloodthirsty savages. They did the best they could.
So how come they gave you such a bad rap?
They didn't. I hardly rate a mention.
You don't? Come to think of it, you don't. You gave Job a nasty little rash though.
Yeah, I regret that, he was a grovelling little arselicker but he didn't deserve to be treated so abominably.
What actually happened?
Well Jehovah wanted to test Job's faith and it became like a contest, I gave him a rash, then Jehovah killed his family and his cattle, burned his home...
Good grief, just to test his faith?
In hindsight it does seem a tad extreme.
Just a tad. Apart from that, where else are you mentioned in the bible?
There's the part where I'm walking around the planet chatting to Jehovah.
You didn't exactly land a starring role, did you?
As I say, I barely rated a mention, and that suited me just fine.
So you don't harvest the souls of the damned?
Too time consuming. The only thing I harvest is a little bit of divine smoko, nod, nod, wink, wink, know what I mean?
I think so, OK, well apart from the cha-cha-cha, what else do you do?
Stuff-all, really. I told you, I like watching cricket.
I hate to tell you this but you're coming across as a very boring person, a real disappointment.
Watch it buster, or I'll make your pen leak! How was that?
Terrifying. Let me put this into some kind of perspective. When I was a child growing up I was taught that all the evil in the world was due to you.
Isn't that true?
Absolutely correct. Me Godzilla, ahrrrrrr–ahrrrrrr–ahrrrrrrr...
Be serious.
I am being serious, I'm a very naughty boy. Please spank my bottom.
This is exasperating.
SEE! I am bad aren't I. I'm making you crotchety. Next I'll give you a headache.
Look, Satan, this is my last interview for the year, I genuinely want to get at the truth.
The truth? OK, I'll be serious for a moment. But only for a moment, then I want to be a naughty little frog again.
Agreed, now what can you tell me?
OK, well, back in the old days I was the good guy. People used to worship me as Lucifer - the God of Light, or Herne - the God of Nature and Fertility. It was up to me to bring the rains and make the crops grow each year.
How did you achieve that?
I used to encourage people to dance naked in the fields and to make love under the stars.
Did it work?
Some years it was difficult because Jehovah kept burning the crops. Either that or he'd send swarms of locusts to devour everything in sight.
Why?
To punish people for indulging in "Satanic rituals".
What did they entail?
Like I said, dancing and making love under the stars.
And that's it! I understood that animals and children were sacrificed.
Hardly. My ceremonies were a celebration of life, love and happiness. Conversely, Jehovah's altars ran with blood. Nothing was spared. If it breathed it risked being sacrificed to the baleful Hebrew god - Jehovah.
Who was Jehovah, then?
He was the God of Hate, War, Misery and Death.
That's right, we established that last week. So which of you was the "horned god" ?
I was. Horns represented the power of the bull and the fleet-footedness of the deer. Most gods had horns. Jehovah was the exception, well, he did have horns growing out of his hands but not magnificent antlers like mine. Also, Jehovah breathed fire and smoke so he was easy to spot in a crowd.
So when did you two reverse roles?
Not for a while. During the first few millennia Jehovah was content drowning and burning people, starving them, sending plagues, inciting wars and generally making everyone's life a misery.
So, was it before or after Jesus was born?
Jesus, Jesus, wasn't he that little runt who used to rave on about "Ye serpents, ye hypocrites" blah blah blah?
The very one.
I remember him. I carried him aloft once and offered him a parcel of land if he'd worship me instead of Jehovah.
What was his response?
He said, "Get thee behind me Satan," and I thought, "Mmmmm, honey chil', we've got a fast learner here!"
What I'm trying to get at is, when did Jehovah become the good guy and when did you become the monster?
That wasn't until the 3rd or 4th century. The Christian Church was establishing itself in Europe and it needed a scapegoat to blame for Jehovah's atrocities. So they brought me out of retirement, spliced me together with the Persian deity of darkness and blamed me.
That must have pissed you off.
I wasn't fussed one way or the other, I mean, so long as I've got a warm bed and a roof over my head...
So you were blamed for Jehovah's atrocities, when did they reinvent Jehovah and make him the good guy?
Some wag came up with the idea of calling him "Merciful Father". Of course we all cracked up at the time but with constant repetition, over hundreds of years, the title caught on.
But Jehovah never once showed mercy to anyone, did he?
He did spare Isaac.
Only after thousands of children had already been sacrificed to him.
True, well, he stopped the sun revolving around the earth for Joshua.
But that was so Joshua had more daylight to slaughter the innocent citizens of Jericho!
It's as good as it gets pal.
Besides, the sun doesn't revolve around the earth.
You know that, I know that, unfortunately "god" got it wrong.
Well, excuse me Mr Herne, Satan, Lucifer, whatever your damn name is, if "god" created the universe, wouldn't he know about these things?
May I level with you?
Please do.
This planet, Earth, is only 8 light minutes away from the sun. Meaning, if you could travel at the speed of light – 7 times around Earth in a second – it would take you just 8 minutes to reach the sun. Travelling at the same speed it would take 2 million years to reach Andromeda, the nearest galaxy to your own Milky Way. The next galaxy, Vergo, is 55 million light years away. The Comar cluster of galaxies is 250 million light years away. The nearest quasars are 7 to 10 billion light years away.
Yeah yeah, but...
Uh! My turn to speak. Altogether, even with your ridiculously primitive radio telescopes, scientists can detect millions of galaxies out there. Filling all that space are so many mega-Billions of stars – some of which are many times larger than your own sun – with countless planets encircling them, that there aren't enough noughts in the world to do justice to their numbers.
What's your point?
The point is, what do you think are the chances of any man or woman comprehending the wishes and desires of the Intelligence which created such a vast universe?
Slightly remote, I'd say.
That's right, even with banks of computers and the Hubble-bubble telescope, scientists and astronomers the world over are perplexed.
Carry on.
And yet, an ignorant twerp like Moses – he who took 40 years to locate Cannan – claimed he could communicate with "god" and as a result, knew precisely what "god" expected of the human species.
Pretty smart cookie!
Smart or deceitful? He understood very little about anything and yet he claimed to know more about "god" than all the present day scientists and astronomers combined.
A bit suss, eh!
Just a bit. Shall we examine what he and other ignorant morons said about the Creator of the Universe? And as we do so, let us ask ourselves, does this sound likely.
Go for it.
First, do you believe that the intelligence which created the vast universe is so petty as to insist on men trimming their beards in a certain style?
Sounds unlikely.
Is it possible that the "The Universal Creator" would expose his back parts to Moses, and then play tunes through his anus?
I have my doubts.
Do you believe that "The Universal Creator" is so vindictive as to inflict men with haemorrhoids?
Ooooh, I felt that!
Would "The Universal Creator" threaten to wipe faeces on men's faces?
Yuk!
Is "The Universal Creator" so cruel and barbaric as to order the torture and destruction of children, pregnant women and babies?
No one could believe such a horrible thing.
Millions do, it's all in the bible.
But that's in the Old Testament. Intelligent people realise that that's mostly myth and nonsense. Surely the New Testament tells the truth?
Disregard the Old Testament as you may, but it accurately describes the nature of the hideous creature known to millions of christians as "God the father".
OK, OK, but what about the New Testament?
With time, it has become the truth for a lot of people.
That's beside the point. Is it the truth or isn't it?
Do you believe that people's "demons" can be transferred from them and into pigs?
Pass...
How about Lazarus, he who had been dead so long that his body "stinketh". Imagine the putrefied state of his brain, do you really see that man prancing around in his pyjamas and leading a normal life?
He was probably left with a bit of a stutter.
Bread and fish instantly multiplying?
The sole has risen!
And do you believe that hundreds of dead and rotting "saints" clambered from their graves and strolled into Jerusalem to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus?
Attending a Rot 'n' Roll dance?
It's all in the New Testament, pal.
So are you saying that everything is bullshit and that for two thousand years, millions upon millions of christians have been lied to?
Precisely.
So where do you fit in?
I don't.
Please explain.
The real me – the nature god – has disappeared into the mists of time. What you're left with is a fictitious monster fabricated by the church to terrify the easily terrified and to force them into submission.
The Devil!
Exactly. Without the "Devil" there would be no hell.
And presumably, nothing to save souls from?
Spot on. Without The Devil, "christian salvation" would be dead in the water. Get it?
I get it alright. What a cruel, ghastly hoax – deliberately terrifying generations of children in order to win converts to the christian faith.
Yeah it's been a pretty effective campaign alright.
Would this account for all the suffering in the world? Is this why we've had so many wars?
Three thousand years of worshipping the God of War certainly hasn't helped matters. The scary part from your point of view is that the madmen are running the asylum and before 2010 there will be the war to end all wars, triggered by fundamentalist christians who worship the diabolical duo.
Is there nothing you can do about this? Can't you reverse things back to how they used to be?
I leave that to people like you.
Oh great. What's involved?
First you've got to overcome three thousand years of intensive brainwashing and indoctrination. They'll accuse you of being ignorant and malicious and downright evil. Can you cope?
I'm not sure, I'll give it a go.
Best of luck, you'll need it. Now I must fly, pass me my horns will you, there's a good fellow.
Before you go, is there such a place as hell?
Come up and see me some time. Or should I say, "come down...."? Toodle-pip.
 INTERVIEW with JESUS |
| INTERVIEW with JEHOVAH |
| INTERVIEW with the VIRGIN MARY |
| BRIEF HISTORY of CHRISTIANITY |
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