Tonight we begin a series of interviews with guests from the heavenly realm. My first guest is Jesus of Nazareth. Welcome sir. Firstly, do I refer to you as Jesus, Mr Nazareth or your Royal Godliness?
Just call me Christ.
Christ?
Yes. Christ the Lord.
I see, excuse me if I'm just a shade sceptical.
Understandable, you get more than your fair share of phonies on this channel.
You're not wrong. There's this Lebanese prick who claims to heal quadraplegics and the terminally ill, in your name, as it happens. Robs 'em blind.
I know the one. He's going to get crushed by an egg truck if he doesn't mend his ways.
So uhmmm, how about letting me have a feel of your holes?
I beg your pardon!
You know, your nail holes.
Ah-ha, another doubting Thomas eh. Be my guest.
Yuk, they're all slimey and festering!
Takes a while for things like that to heal. No Dettol in my day. Do you believe me now?
I do. Well, uhmm, Christ, welcome back to Earth.
Thank you. Nice to be here.
It's been a while hasn't it.
1,967 years, to be precise.
So you died when you were 32.
Thereabouts. Difficult to say for sure because no one bothered to record my birth.
I thought you were born on December 25th.
No, the Emporer Constantine, he who murdered his own mother and son, chose December 25th because christs are traditionally born on that day.
So there were other christs before you?
Oh yes, dozens of the bastards.
How come you're the only one left?
I had a dynamite publicity agent. Nod-nod, wink-wink...
Saint Paul, you mean?
None other. Without his fanatical rumour mongering I'd have died a death.
But you did, anyway.
Physically speaking, but my memory lingered on wouldn't you say?
Rather. Now what sort of a man was Saint Paul?
Wouldn't have a clue. I never met the cunt.
Excuse me for interrupting, but does your mother know that you use that kind of language?
Miserable bitch, she was always yacking on about it, I told her to fuck off.
But isn't your mother the Virgin Mary?
Virgin! Give me a break. I had four brothers and a sister that I know of. Virgin, huh!, my mother was popping 'em out faster than promises at election time.
I see. Quelle surprise. So what's all this nonsense about a virgin birth?
Beats me. The New Testament opens with my family tree which makes it abundantly clear that I am the "fruit of David's loins" via my father Joseph. A normal sperm meets egg type conception.
That will disappoint a few fundamentalists.
Tough titties.
Getting back to Saint Paul, if you never met him, how come he knew so much about you?
He was Saul the Sadist in those days. I appeared to him in a vision.
Only a vision! And what did you tell him?
I said "Saul, you evil bastard, stop whipping my followers with that cat o'nine tails."
How did he respond?
He said, "Yes master, shall I spread the Word to all four corners of the Earth?"
And you replied?
"Go for it mate, preach any old shit you like"
And did he?
Did he ever!
Are you telling me that the teachings of Saul, alias Saint Paul, are a heap of shit?
Biggest pile of camel shit since the one about slaves escaping from Egypt, ploughing a valley through the Red Sea and drowning pharoh's army.
The Exodus, you mean?
Camel shit if ever there was.
So the Exodus didn't really occur?
Mate, archeologists often find traces of individual nomads from that same period, yet no trace whatsoever of 600,000 bare-arsed Hebrews who supposedly traipsed round and around in circles for 40 years. Not so much as a petrified turd or a used condom did they leave behind.
Remarkable, they must have been tidy little vegemites.
More like figments of someome's imagination.
Hmmmm, another one bites the dust. Getting back to the writings of Saint Paul...
Steven King couldn't have done better. You see, Paul wasn't the full quid, if you know what I mean. Too many magic mushrooms – completely zapped his brain. Went blind along the road to Damascus, prayed to Jehovah to restore his sight, he glanced up just as my vision was passing by, hey presto, he switched his allegiance to me.
Jehovah would not have been pleased.
Fucking ropeable.
What about the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John – they must speak the truth because they were your disciples.
My what? Are you kidding? Listen, goobrey, my disciples and I had been maggot meat for forty/fifty years before those four dickheads appeared on the scene.
Are you claiming that Matthew, Mark, Luke and John never met you either?
Claiming? Watch it brother. I'm telling you that they were insignificant church scribes who interviewed their typewriters. First I heard of them they had me hoverplaning across the Dead Sea and turning loaves into fishes, or some such nonsense.
I'm lost for words.
Well they certainly weren't. By copying thousands of words from Greek, Persian and Egyptian manuscripts they turned me into a cross between Tommy Cooper and Superman!
So what about your resurrection, did they get that right?
Mate, you've got to realise one thing – the fables and myths which were copied into the New Testament pre-date me by hundreds, and in some cases, thousands of years. Virgin births and resurrections were all the go back in those days. Every man and his dog went sproing – sproing – sproing – up to heaven.
Let me re-cap. You had a normal, sperm meets egg birth?
I did.
You didn't resurrect and fly bodily up to heaven?
Get real.
So you're just an ordinary bloke?
I wouldn't say that, I give good sermon.
OK, so you give good sermon, and you're the Prince of Peace, yes?
You see, this is the problem, no one listens. I said, "Think not that I come to send peace on Earth, I come not to send peace, but a sword!" Can't make it much clearer than that me ol' darling.
I guess you can't. OK, tell me about the incident with the fig tree.
There's nothing to it. We were hungry, the fig tree refused to produce fruit so I cursed it to death.
But it was out of season.
How the fuck was I to know?
Well, you're supposed to be "God Incarnate", like, God in the flesh, if you created every living thing it's reasonable to suppose that you were aware that fig trees don't produce fruit in the winter.
Oh I see, because I'm God I'm supposed to know every frigging thing am I?
Well a five year old school kid would've know that.
Watch your step sunshine, I might not be God Incarnate but I can piss on you like we pissed on that fucking fig tree.
OK, OK, but are you or are you not, the Saviour?
Oh sure pussy cat, I'll save you. Save you from what, for chris'sake?
I don't know, from hell, I suppose.
Why would I save a prick like you? The more people I condemn to hell, the better I like it. More fuel for the flames!
That's not very nice. I have a family – wife, kids...
Who said anything about "nice"? Check my T shirt - "The Napalm Kid", right! What'd I say? I said, "I have come to cast fire upon the earth: and how I wish it were already kindled." I came to burn you fuckers!
But how can that be? Every Sunday, millions of families attend church to pray to you, and...
Let me interrupt you right there. First, I hate fucking families. I said, "If any man come to me and hate not his father and mother, and wife, and children, and brothers, and sisters, yea, and his own life, also, he cannot be my disciple."
But that's awful.
Awful, smawful, who gives a shit. I did everything I could to divide families and turn family members against each other.
But...
Read my lips, "For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against the mother..."
But...
Shudup a minute. You said that people attend church on Sundays, why the fuck would they attend church on the pagan day of worship?
It's traditional, I guess.
That cunt Constantine, he changed the Sabbath from Saturday to Sunday to appease the sun worshippers. So what do these "church-goers" do on Saturdays?
They work, I guess, or play, I don't know.
"Cursed are they that defileth the Sabbath." "Cast them into the furnace of hell, where there shall be a wailing and a gnashing of teeth..."
That's a wee bit severe, don'tcha think? At least they're making the effort.
What, attending church? Mate, I forbade people to worship in public.
If that's the case, why did so many churches get built?
Power and Wealth, end of story. You can't make money out of people who worship at home. Make no mistake, every church in every land is an abomination unto me.
Jesus, I mean, Christ, irrespective or where they pray, are you aware that over one billion people worship you as "The Messiah"?
Are they Jews?
No, the Jews think you're an impostor.
That would account for why they had me stapled to a cross then, would it?
Quite possibly.
So who are these "over one billion followers"?
Gentiles.
GENTILES!!!
Yes, you know, poms, frogs, aussies, kiwis, yanks, kruats, deigos – virtually all Europeans plus Latinos, the list is endless.
Tell 'em all to get fucked.
S'cuse me.
You heard. I hate fucking gentiles.
But they worship you, your Christliness.
I don't give a shit. Think back, I forbade my disciples to even speak to filthy gentile scum.
You did too. Rather un-PC of you, if you don't mind me saying so.
Say what you like, arsehole.
Why do you hate gentiles?
They make me sick. I can't get the stench of those foreign stinking slaves out of my nostrils. Shuffling along the streets in chains, flea-ridden scum.
Slaves in the streets! Good grief, didn't you try to help them?
Why the hell should I? They were only gentiles. The Lord gave permission for Jews to capture and keep them as slaves, so what's your beef?
It's just that people look upon you as a reformer, someone who would speak out against cruelty.
Fucking wankers. Look, I explained to everyone that I'd come to uphold the old laws, not to reform them. As for the filthy slaves, I ignored them as best I could. They didn't rate a mention.
Well you did mention them a couple of times.
Only to gloat over their misery.
Like when you insisted that slaves must wait to be fed, no food until after their masters had eaten.
You've got a good memory.
Thank you. Ask me another.
Well, d'you recall the story of the Canaanite slut who begged me to cure her ankle-biter of some wog disease or other?
I do, at least... I think so.
Had it not been for Peter, that interfering bastard, I'd have allowed that Canaanite sprog to die a horrible death. I told the mother, "It isn't right for the master to squander his mystical powers on dogs."
What happened?
The mother pleaded and grovelled, she begged me to save her mangey brat, "But master" she wailed, "Even dogs get the scraps from the master's table." She was really pissing me off. "Fuck off bitch," I yelled.
You'd have let an innocent little girl die?
Of course. Look, I made it perfectly clear. I said it over and over again, "I have come only for the lost sheep of Israel", not for all that disgusting gentile crap.
Jesus Christ, this is INCREDIBLE! Do you realise that millions of people – gentiles – have died for you, killed for you, waged war for you, burned witches for you, wasted their entire lives for you?
I've heard rumours.
But doesn't it fill you with remorse?
I wouldn't go so far as to say that. Your problem is you've got no sense of humour.
You think it's funny that the Crusaders slaughtered a million innocent Saracens, and that – only sixty years ago – Croatian "Ustashi" sawed off the heads of thousands of Orthodox Christians who wouldn't convert to Catholicism?
Can't you see the funny side of it?
I'm afraid I can't.
Well the joke is, Catholic, Protestant, Greek or Russian Orthodox – you name it – as far as I'm concerned they're all scum. And for two thousand years they've been murdering each other to curry favour with me. C'mon, lighten up!
This is totally bizarre. So how come we made this enormous error?
Blame that drugged-out bum Saul for that. As a Gnostic he believed that the messiah should be at everyone's beck and call. According to him I came to save the fucking lot of youse.
So he bent the truth to fit his beliefs?
Bent it, he fucking mangled it! He ignored everything I'd said about Jewish superiority in order to push the Gnostic point of view.
With devastating results, I believe.
Mate, you don't know the half of it. Peter took up the chant, "Repent ye, and be converted... Every soul who shall not hear the prophet shall be destroyed."
Bit of a bummer for those who wished to remain orthodox Jews.
Yeah, especially around 1935 to '45. That one passage in Acts has been responsible for the massacre of millions upon millions of Jews. So paradoxically, Peter, that great lumpen fuckhead Peter, demonised his own people. MY people!
So let me get this right. The only people you respect are Jews, even though they think you're an impostor, or at best, a third-rate prophet. Is that right?
Correct.
And the one and a quarter billion people who think the sun shines out of your arse, you have nothing but contempt for?
I've condemned them all to hell.
Good heavens. It's staggering that so many people still believe in you, still worship you, while you detest them!
People are stupid, they'll believe anything they're told.
I'm gobsmacked. Is this why you're offering your services to the One Nation Party?
You got it. Kick out all those fucking Asians.
What about the Aussies?
Kick them out too. And the poms, and the kiwis, and the abbos, and the fucking wogs, get rid of 'em all.
But who'll be left?
God's chosen people.
So Australia will become a south seas Jerusalem?
Correct.
But the Jews will crucify you again.
Now you understand why I've taken my time coming back.
Ladies and gentlemen, please thank my guest, Jesus of Nazareth, Christ the Saviour. Sir, it's been a... a... an experience having you on the programme, and before you go, have you a word of comfort for your followers?
Certainly. When the flames of hell are licking around your ankles, duck and cover, duck and cover....
Now read the interview with Jehovah - http://www.webspawner.com/users/intjehovah/
 INTERVIEW with JEHOVAH |
| INTERVIEW with the VIRGIN MARY |
| INTERVIEW with SATAN |
| BRIEF HISTORY of CHRISTIANITY |
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