My guest tonight is Jehovah – God of the Jews. Welcome sir. Firstly, do I refer to you as "God", "The Lord" or "Jehovah"?
Slow down arsehole, before we go any further, you're not a cripple are you?
Excuse me?
A fucking paraplegic or a blind bastard.
These days we don't say things like that, we refer to people as disabled or visually impaired.
Don't give me all that political correctness bullshit, I hate fucking crips.
I resent your tone, but as it happens I am able-bodied.
Good. What about your nose? I hate flat nosed gentile scum.
So that's why you banned the blind, the lame and the racially "inferior" from your synagogues, eh - I've always thought that was rather spiteful of you.
I don't give a fuck what you think, arsehole.
Perhaps we'll change the subject, may we proceed with the interview... how do I address you?
I am He whose name shall not be uttered, Creator of Heaven and Earth, Alpha, Omega, omniescent, omnipotent, all-knowing, He who must be obeyed, the Wrathful One!
Yes, well, if you don't mind I shall call you Cunt.
It's an acronym is it? Like, 'Creator of Universal and Nuclear Terror'?
If it makes you feel better, yes it's an acronym.
I think I prefer "Lord".
Lord it is then. Tell me Lord, what was the point of creating mankind, giving it freedom of choice, then destroying it because it exercised freedom of choice?
I was bored.
You mean, you drowned thousands of men, women and children to add a little sparkle to your day?
Mate, once you've created Heaven and Earth in six days, there's not much left on the agenda. Besides, those miserable sods were worshipping other deities, really pissed me off. I thought, "I'll show those ungrateful bastards, I'll send a deluge and drown the fucking lot of 'em."
No hesitation about drowning the children?
None whatsoever. What'd they ever done for me?
Valid point, I suppose.
Besides, the more people I destroy, the more the survivors worship me.
Please explain.
Read your papers, I frequently sink ferry loads of pilgims attending religious festivals. If a Filipino mother of eight children loses seven of her sprogs, what's the first thing she does on reaching shore?
Take the surviving child to hospital?
Naaaaaaa, she goes to church to thank me for my MERCY! Right?
Damn it, you're right, that's what they do.
Thank you.
Tell me about Adam and Eve. Did Eve really talk to a serpent?
Only morons believe that.
Of course, but millions of Christians do.
I rest my case. Look, what really happened was this. Eve got curious about life, she fell asleep under a tree...
Would that be the Tree of Knowledge?
It was a fucking pear tree, dickhead!
Sorry, but the bible says...
Never mind what the buggering bible says, I'm here to tell you what happened. Now do you wanna hear this or shall I turn you into a pillar of dog shit?
I'm listening.
Eve figured out a few basics about life so I cursed her and all womanhood to an eternity spent writhing in pain.
Wasn't that a little extreme?
No, I hate fucking women. Dirty, stinking creatures.
If you feel that way about them, why did you create them?
I resisted. I tried mating Adam with dogs, monkeys, goats, sheep, just about everything, but he kept rambling on about incontinence jeans or something, so I manufactured a woman, just to shut him up.
Perhaps he was referring to incompatible genes?
Don't get smart with me fella! If you think you know more about life than I do you're way out'a line.
Sorry, so how did you resolve it?
I said, "Adam, I'm going to make you a woman. She'll be be cute, with a great set of tits. She'll cook, she'll fuck and she'll give good head, but it'll cost you."
You were going to charge him?
Yep, I told him it would cost him an arm and a leg.
And?
He asked what he'd get for a rib...
Ahhhh, this is bullshit... Look, if you are, as you claim, "all knowing", how come you didn't figure out the inevitable outcome of placing two curious people in the Garden of Eden?
Temporary lapse of memory.
Tempor.... OK, well, I guess you must have been under a lot of stress. Tell me, did you manufacture any other women besides Eve?
No way, Hosea.
So who did Cain mate with?
He fucked his mother of course, dummy.
So the "original sin" wasn't Eve plucking an apple but Cain fucking his mother? And you planned the whole thing.
You catch on fast, hombre.
OK, moving on to your meeting with Abraham. Why did you choose such a low calibre, despicable man to kick-start your "chosen" race?
Abraham was a man after my own heart, cruel, deceitful, corrupt and perverted.
Perverted?
Sure, he married his half sister, Sarai, then put her straight on the game. Abraham got rich by inviting other men to fuck his wife. He was perfect for the job.
Perfect indeed. Was Sarai a good screw?
The best. She was still at it well into her nineties.
When you first noticed Abraham he was about to sacrifice his son, Isaac, wasn't he?
Yup, he was poised to roast the little bastard over a sacrificial fire.
Had that sort of thing happened before?
Of course, thousands of times. "And we cast lots among the priests for the wood offering, to burn upon the altars of the Lord, the firstborn of our sons." That's courtesy of me ol' mate Nehemiah.
Are you telling me that you stood by doing nothing while thousands of parents burned their children to death?
Why not. I hate the little bastards.
You hate children as well as women?
I loathe them. Besides, they weren't all burned to death. Check the account of Jephthah. As a gesture of gratitude to me he stabbed his daughter to death.
So you actually encouraged parents to slaughter their children... for what reason?
To cover me in glory.
To cov... how on earth did the murder of little children cover you in glory?
Look, I made no secret of the fact that I'm an insecure deity. What did I say, I said, "I thy God am a jealous God..." I needed parents to slaughter their children in order to make me feel big and powerful. It gave me a sense of importance. Apart from that, I like hearing the little varmits scream.
In that case why did you call a halt to child sacrifice?
I didn't, it just sort of sizzled, sorry, fizzled out. Jephthah slaughtered his bitch hundreds of years after the Isaac reprieve. I guess it was a case of shifting attitudes. People were getting just a teensy-weensy bit fed up with the practice.
So you gave in.
Got'ta move with the times, you know. Besides, there are plenty of other ways of making children suffer.
For example?
Have you read Proverbs lately? "He that spareth the rod, hateth his son...Let not thy soul spare for his crying...Thou shalt beat him with a rod." That's worked like a charm for three thousand years. Still working to this day. Millions of children have been bashed and brutalised because of that passage. I've seen tiny infants so bruised that they couldn't move a limb for weeks. Fucking laugh, I've lost count of the little bastards who've actually been beaten to death.
That's dreadful!
You reckon? My favourite trick was forcing parents to eat their progeny. "And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat..." That's in Leviticus. Nothing like McInfant and fries!
I feel sick.
Try this one for size – "Happy shall he be that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones!" You'll find that in Psalms. Want more?
Not particularly. All this will come as a terrible shock to those people who believe that you're the "Merciful Father".
Hilarious isn't it. Fortunately for me, no one reads the bible.
I have read it, as a matter of fact, and I must say I find it rather disturbing. You come across as a ranting, raving embecile.
I've warned you once fella, watch your step or I'll give you haemorrhoids and force you to eat excrement.
Why on earth would you make me do that?
Because I'm King-fucking-Kong, that's why. If I say "eat shit" you get down on your hands and knees and eat shit.
So you really used to order people to "Eat the dung that cometh out of man." How revolting. It's hard to reconcile your vile nature with your reputation as the God of Love.
God of fucking love – ha! – sucker, I'm the God of Hate, War, Misery and Death!
Yes, well, I'd already figured that out. Moses knew you better than most and he referred to you as "The God of War".
Moses was a man's man. I offered him my arse on one occasion but he turned it down. His loss.
I remember that - "The Lord showed his back parts to Moses."
I wouldn't do it for just anyone.
Tell me about the wars you initiated.
How long have you got?
Another twenty minutes.
Mate, it would take all day. I'll describe the highlights. Moses set the mood, "And we took all Sihon's cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, the women, and the little ones of that city. We let none remain." I spurred Moses on to even greater victories, another sixty cities in all, "Three-score cities... utterly destroying the men, women and children of every city."
A real shaker and a mover, that Moses. What about Saul?
I let Saul deal with the citizens of Amelek. I said to Saul, "Spare no one. Prepare slaughter of men, women, children and babies." And he did a damned fine job. Impaled babies on swords, slashed open pregnant women. Marvellous.
Obviously a very thorough man. And Joshua?
Joshua, another excellent fellow. Demolished the walls of Jericho then slaughtered every living thing. "And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox and sheep and ass, with the edge of a sword." He even killed the fucking animals. Laugh, I nearly pissed myself.
Sounds like a real fun campaign. And King David?
David's body-count was absolutely phenomenal. Slaughtered tens of thousands. He was more creative than most. He'd take prisoners then force them to walk through white-hot kilns till they blistered and burst into flames. Either that, or he'd saw their heads off while they were still alive. Fucking grouse mate.
David, the King of the Jews, charming man. But if you thought so much of him, why did you kill his son?
Why not? From memory, David raped some married slut and murdered her husband, so I gave the sprog a fever and let him slowly die.
Nice touch. Gideon was another imaginative soul wasn't he?
Brilliant fellow. He'd force prisoners to run through thorn bushes until their flesh was ripped off and they died in bleeding agony.
And these men, these "excellent fellows", they were carrying out your orders?
To the letter.
And these are the men we're taught to admire and respect? The so-called "patriarchs".
So you should. A finer bunch of savages and cut-throats there has never been.
A source of great pride to you, obviously.
Right on. You've seen the Cross of David?
How could one miss it?
The six points represent the six great warriors of Judaism.
You've only mentioned five.
Solomon was a bit of a let down. His main interest in life was stocking his harems with young kids from the conquered territories. He killed the parents and boy children OK, but he refused to slaughter the goodlooking babes. Waste of hot pussy, he reckoned.
So between them, these six "warriors" slaughtered, what, a hundred thousand people?
Are you kidding? Like, before breakfast! Mate, this campaign went on for a thousand years. My heroes drenched the land with the blood of the vanquished.
You didn't do too crash hot with the valley dwellers of Canaan.
That was an unfair battle, they had "chariots of iron".
Your army was defeated because the other side had better vehicular transport?
Can't win 'em all. Besides, they were the only ones to survive, we slaughtered every other Canaanite of every city and let none survive. We slaughtered their livestock and burned their homes. I mean, come on... damn near perfect record.
Continued on - http://www.webspawner.com/users/intjehovah2/
 INTERVIEW with JEHOVAH part 2 |
| INTERVIEW with JESUS |
| INTERVIEW with the VIRGIN MARY |
| INTERVIEW with SATAN |
| BRIEF HISTORY of CHRISTIANITY |
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