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JOKES
1. The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking
confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding
it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
2. An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so
hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his
apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me
a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to
do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it
on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my
head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
3. The doctor was examining a young blonde model who was having
terrible pain in her abdomen.
"My dear, you have acute appendicitis," the doctor said.
The woman became quite angry and said, "Don't try hitting on me
doctor, I just want to be examined, not complimented."
4. On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off
the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little
Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
5. A high school teacher was giving a true/false test. He was strolling
up and down the aisles surveying the students at work. He came
upon one student who was flipping a coin, then writing.
Teacher: What are you doing?
Student: Getting the answers to the test.
The teacher shook his head and walked on. A little while later,
when everyone was finished with the test, the teacher noticed the
student was again flipping the coin.
Teacher: Now what are you doing?
Student: I'm checking the answers.
6. A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the
road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under
the car and up floated a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the doorbell.
A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I
killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other
chickens that are around the back."
7. A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby
camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert
your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"OK," said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these
great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips
through the desert."
"Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got
these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little
impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store
water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without
drinking for long periods."
"That`s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and
long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps
to store water, but Mom..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
8. A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a
description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy
hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is
good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4,
chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
9. A prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison started
training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours,
he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature
high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and
sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly. "we're
going to tour the night-spots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket,
(inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to
celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started
moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the local
newspaper, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Damn things are
everywhere."
10. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo.
When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd
as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know,
kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers,
and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
11.
How to be Annoying #2
When Christmas carolling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies’ “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day
12.
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
"It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.
"Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
13.
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
14.
A young blonde was on
vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very
frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde
shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one! "Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the
swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
15.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
16.
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
17.
How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree!
18.
How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
There's M&M shells all over the floor.
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24.
A Lawyer and A Politician
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.
25.
Bad Lawyer
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator.
26.
A Blonde with Earrings
Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date? So they have some place to put their feet.
27.
A Side Order of Blondes
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," yells the other blonde.
28.
Adventures in Disneyland
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.
29.
Air Mattress
Q: What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other? A: An air mattress.
30.
Bad Blondes, Whatcha Gonna Do?
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops. "Yes," says the blonde. "Are their lights on?" The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
31.
Banana Peel
A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs. "Here we go again."
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Copyright © 2002 michael schneider. All Rights Reserved