JUNE II
June 16th
The conference wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. We’ll, it might’ve been, except that I spent a lot of time watching BBC News 24 in my room, writing up erroneous accounts of the lectures and workshops that I supposedly attended, and picking my ears with the courtesy cue-tips. Still, this was a sterling effort compared to one room-mate who just didn’t turn up for the conference and got three days holiday instead! There was no system for registering or checking up on the conference members, and a lot of people used the conference as an excuse for a three-day piss-up.
Got a bit of reading done, in particular a novel called “Angry White Pyjamas”* which, just for the title, is worthy of a read! It’s about a 30 year-old, Oxford English graduate, cast adrift in a Tokyo apartment after the Bubble Economy burst, living in semi-poverty with two other overweight, balding men,
“I felt control of my life was slipping away, that I was fading fast, becoming a slothful blur with an existential value approaching zero”.
The irony was not lost on me. I started to look around me, at all the other freaks and geeks who’d decided to stay for a second year on JET, and noticed just how similar in terms of appearance and attitude I had become to all of them. A worrying chasm was opening up in front of me…this is it, I have only one life and I’ve really got to change something. *The “Angry White Pyjamas” are a reference to the martial art he thenceforth began, and the almost religious experience and meaning to life that it offered.
That I attended only three talks is not in itself a marker of my bad attitude. Consider the titles: “Phonics and the ichi nen-sei”; “TEFL/TESOL Basic theory”; “One shot visits”; “Education Centre ALTs”. Besides not necessarily even being relevant to the needs of a Junior High School teacher, there’s this hilarious assumption that somehow attending a one hour workshop on Lesson Designing will make up for a 3-year degree in teaching! Two of the three talks were of the aforementioned “Look at me, I’m a narcissist!” kind.
The third however, was a revelation. It wasn’t a work-shop as such, but a guest speaker giving tips on Language learning. This guy was so charismatic, he could’ve sold ice to the Eskimos! If he’d been the spokesperson of some zany doomsday cult, I’d have signed up immediately. Seriously though, he’s invigorated me with a sense of the excitement and fervour that I once had, and perhaps the passion I need to start picking up Japanese at a much faster rate. I left the Keio feeling quite good about the decision to stay a second year, and of the continuing opportunities in front of me if I would just care to seize them instead of complain. So as I say, the best conference I’ve been to yet!
18th June - Total Japanese
Fingers crossed, but this is turning out to be the most satisfying month of my stay yet. I must’ve turned a corner somewhere, and I’m not looking out on things with such a negative perspective anymore. I’m not saying that little things don’t still annoy me, or that I’m not going to complain anymore, but something seems to have switched. I’ve been on a bit of a high since coming back from the conference, and I’m doing my best to do all the things that guy advised:
1.) Just talk to people in Japanese, it doesn’t matter how pithy or useless it is, but the constant rehearsal will get you more accustomed to making the sounds. Chat-up check-out girls and visiting Japanese Mormons/Jehovah’s witnesses. Talk to children (because they’re cool), old people (lets face it, they’ve plenty of time).
2.) If you watch TV, watch Japanese TV. Turn your mobile and computer onto Japanese capability (which I will not be doing for the meantime).
3.) Become a clown and make an idiot of yourself in front of the Japanese (check)
4.) Do a Japanese activity. Meet Japanese people through a hobby or sport
5.) Keep a diary in Japanese
6.) Review your goals every day.
I’m gradually working my way up to this regimen. Tonight, I’m going to make the effort to go to an Aikido class. I’ve been considering a martial art for a long time, but have been put off by a) my laughable level of fitness b) my retarded textbook Japanese. However, I feel I’ve reached a point after 4 months at the gym and 10 months of study, that I have a fighting chance of maybe surviving a class. I also realised how little real socialising I do with Japanese people (other than those who speak English). Finally, I’m hoping that the constant connection between Japanese commands and muscle movements could add a dimension to my study for the test in December.
The only possible flaw with this plan is my track record with martial arts. Like many young boys I was once inspired by the Karate Kid and tried to copy him at the dojo in Bangor, but after six months of lessons and being too young to understand the connection between the movements and a fight situation, I opted for watching Inspector Gadget on a Saturday morning instead. I tried a second time when I was 18, but realising that I was about to leave for University and the ensuing distractions of my first term, I lasted a mere lesson! Discipline is my problem, and I’m hoping that by unveiling my plan publicly, that I’ll be too proud to back down when things get tough. Its not Karate this time though…all that locked joint emphasis in kicking and punching can lead to arthritis; furthermore, the Hasuda Karate dojo is £50 a month, Aikido only £15. Yes, the cheapskate that resides within has once more won the day!
Later that same night:
Wonderful…my plan starts to pay dividends. I was the only non-Japanese person in the dojo. The two head teachers can both speak excellent English, having taught their art abroad, so when I can’t understand what’s going on, someone can explain the action to me. The head teacher was exactly the same height as me, so he lent me his dogi to wear for the night. He seems very proud to have me on board, as he’s the head Chemistry teacher of a top high school in Urawa who’ve sent students to Oxford, and is pleased to have another connection. In fact, he’s already invited me to go climbing Mt Fuji with him in a few months (we’ll see about that one).
It’s not exactly an original observation to make that Japanese martial arts are heavy in religious elements. I’ve already bowed a dozen times toward the false idol of the founder of Aikido. The rules of the dojo are heavily formalised, and I was terrified of making errors at every turn. One kneels in seiza (formal seated position with legs tucked under one’s body, excruciatingly painful for those unaccustomed to it), arranged in order of seniority from right to left (with me at the far end) as you listen to the instructions for the next defence move. It immediately occurred that Aikido is worlds apart from Karate. From the latter all I can remember is practicing how to punch and kick. Today’s moves (already forgotten) were exclusively leverage and throws, relying in no way on strength as far as I can tell.
As anticipated, I’d no idea what was being said, and had to rely on copying the demonstration. Before one “fights” a partner, one must kneel on the ground, bow and say “onegaishimasu” (“come and ‘ave a go if you fink you’re ‘ard enuff”), and before long old men were directing me with vocabulary I’d never have dreamed they’d have (“use your right leg as a compass point, swing the left round. No you’re other right leg!”). Yeah, pretty cool, no-one seemed to resent my bumbling, socially inept intrusion on their sanctum; or at least, not until I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, week after week! Can you tell I’m enthusiastic?
Apartment of Disaster. 20th June
I’ve come to the reasonable conclusion that my apartment is cursed. If we look back over the preceding months, we can find plenty of evidence to back up this arguably foolish claim. When I moved in, it was apparent that the previous occupant hadn’t cleaned up. More than that, one could argue that she went out of her way to make me miserable, leaving vomit around the toilet, hair in the fridge, powder of some sort ontop of the microwave etc. The hob clearly hadn’t been cleaned in about five years! The air conditioner was also broken, leaving me sweating like a priest in a playground for 2 weeks. The insect mesh had come off its runners and had holes in it, allowing entrance to mosquitoes (a problem never fixed despite claiming about it twice!) The futon were old and infected with genuine real-life bed-bugs (dani), a problem which has returned with the warmer, moister weather. As the weather grew colder and darker, more problems emerged, such as the day that I pushed the lightswitch on the porch and the socket disappeared into the wall! I also had no winter bedclothes or kotatsu set, an absolute necessary when the apartment is insulated with what appears to be tracing paper, and you can see steam rising off your own sh1t!
In more recent times my video player went bust, my bicycle spontaneously lost a chain link, and the lock key for my new bike vanished into thin air, never to be seen again. After several weeks of thinking my demons had grown tired of this constant harassment, they decided to strike again with a double whammy. My toilet exploded today, covering the bathroom in water. Whilst my Japanese is good enough for everyday things like getting the beers in, or talking about the weather, when it comes to specialised vocabulary I start back at the linguistic level of a foetus. How for example, does one communicate the threat of an imminent faeces inundation? Then on reclaiming my £200 suede jacket from the dry cleaners, I discovered it was dried out, pretty much ruined, and the offending sweat/dirt stains still apparent. Why, just why (and who should I kill for revenge)?
22nd June
Went to the BoE today to have a polite chat with Yamaguchi. Hilariously, he volunteered me to give a talk at the next Saitama Orientation for newbies. Forgive me for thinking that volunteering was something you decided for yourself! Serves me right, in a way, for castigating those who’ve been giving talks at other orientations as “narcissists”, could it be that they were volunteered too? Anyway, I decided to let this little infringement of my rights pass…if anything to accept it gracefully might put me in a better bargaining position for the real issue: SUMMER VACATION.
Mrs Fuchigami at my current school has become a good friend. She’s the first Japanese person to offer to champion my cause. As she’s a part-time/ temporary teacher, I don’t think she holds her career in such seriousness as the other teachers. She also concurs that the BoE suck…something about them never notifying her that she’d been hired, that she just phoned in one day and they told her she had to start the next! No time to prepare materials, no information about the content of the curriculum! Anyway, she’s really stuck her neck out for me over this issue, translating my previous letter into Japanese, and writing one of her own (I have no idea what the content is).
Anyway, I accosted Yamaguchi today. I pointed at the monkey cage in the corner and said that IF I have to spend another 6 weeks in there doing nothing I WILL GO MAD. I told him that I met AETs from neighbouring towns at the conference in Shinjuku who don’t have to go through this ridiculous charade. I told him I was very disappointed that no-one had considered it important enough to reply to my “very polite and reasonable” letter. And strangely, he agreed that the situation was “weird” and even admitted, his exact words “I know where you’re coming from”. So I forced this letter into his hands and told him to read it, but not before he warned me that “Its not possible to change anything”. I nearly lost the rag, but uncharacteristically, managed to remember where I was and what I would achieve by getting angry. I merely said “why, why is it impossible”, knowing full well I wouldn’t get an answer.
So I guess this is the end of the line. All I can do now is harass Yamaguchi week in week out. Nevertheless, I know he’s not the enemy, and that the decision making process lies much further up the chain of command. Somewhere in the BoE there’s a smoky office were some overpaid be-suited, be-spectacled, grey-haired weiner takes time out from harassing his “office flower” to briefly skim a motion for change, before promptly chucking it in the bin. His kind are ultra-resistant to any notion of progression, especially one made by a temporarily employed foreigner.
23rd June
Just wanted to share with you the joys of Conversation tests. I've interviewed about 300 students since last Friday. To give them credit, the students here are some of the best in the town, and many of them show signs of promise, but if you'll permit me to concentrate on the negative...
I just had a lesson with one of the slow classes. There was a little girl who was all smiles and the image of composure.
"What kind of food do you like?"
"mmm, err, mmm. Yes I do."
"No, what Kind - donna tabemono - do you like?
"Ah, mmm, (long glance at hand)...I like strawbelly.
"Excuse me, what are you looking at?" (turn arm around)
"Hidoi!! (terrible)"
She'd written the entire model conversation in red ink on the back of her arm! I brought the teacher aside, and broke the news gently in private. "Oh, yes, sorry about that, I told her she could do it, as she was nervous"!!!!! Oh, oh, yes, lets just allow all the nervous and thick students to cheat in exams, cos that's gonna really help them in the future isn't it! Seriously though, what's it come to when teachers condone, nay, actively encourage cheating in exams!
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