JUNE
June 1st
I got my haircut…I had briefly considered relenting to the tide of mullets that have sweeped the nation, causing most of the youth to look like really bad Asian copies of Bon Jovi. Now that its summer though, I need that extra bit of ventilation around my scalp. I really like my Barber. Let’s get things straight though, this is none of your £4 for an electric razor bowl-cut and spit-in-your-face affair like it is in Bangor. There’s none of your separation of Barbers and Hairdressers, only a division in terms of what you can afford.
The cut was already looking fine when, totally unannounced, my barber started rubbing shampoo into it. “Excuse me, eh, I washed it last night, you don’t need to do that” said I. “Oh, sorry, please lean forward into the basin – by the way, the price is increasing, sorry”. Nice, he’s gonna make me pay for something I didn’t ask for! However, I soon discovered that the barber wanted to give me a full Olde Worlde, Sweeney Todd face shave with an ould traditional razor. So I just let him get on with it, and have to admit my face hasn’t felt so smooth in about 10 years! I was scared stiff when he tried to give me the old forehead shave treatment. What happens when you start shaving your forehead? I imagine it starts growing back much thicker until your entire face is covered in downy fluff like something out of a carnival freak show! After the shave? Well logically, a shoulder massage of course! All for the princely sum of about £10. Amazing in a way. I tried to tell him that the idea of another man touching them would send most of Britain’s Barber clientele running screaming for the hills incase they catch “gay”. I think it came out eloquently like this “In Britain…there are Barbers and Hairdressers. Barbers only cut hair, are only for men. Hairdressers also do shampoo, they are for women”. Sometimes trying to get across the exact nuance of what you’re trying to say in a foreign language can be a bit difficult!
It’s been getting really, really, disgustingly hot again recently. It takes hours to fall asleep at night owing to the humidity, and that’s even after I’ve dispensed of all bedclothes. I took a trip to the seafront at Tokyo the other day to try and get a bit of fresh air. Have to say, the docklands developments in Tokyo are something else. Odaiba has a nice big artificial beach (though as far as I can ascertain, one is forbidden to swim). There’s an almost European-esque beach resort feel to the place, which is decked out in café’s and restaurants. I’ll attach a wee gallery when I have time, but must say I really enjoyed it down there. I think I’m meant to live on the coast…I think it’s gonna have to be Okinawa or bust. And before I forget, I just got this snap of the principal watering the ground to stop it blowing away in the wind.
4th June
I’m not sure, but the school that I’m at now may be becoming my favourite. The new English teacher here, whilst she does seem to give me a ludicrous number of classes, has been very nice and friendly. I got tired of my “favourite school” after the militant head English teacher rubbed me up the wrong way a few too many times. I also love this school because the headmaster is such a character. His name is Ishii, he stands about 5 foot, but despite his diminutive stature he has a boisterous and dominating personality. Though he can’t speak English well, he has absolutely no qualms about trying to make conversation with the little that he has (almost the exact opposite of most Japanese people!) He’s a very down-to-earth principle, and mucks in with the repair work, doing a spot of DIY, painting, watering the sports pitches etc. I like him.
He’s also a diehard exponent of the “Japan No. 1” club. There are some people in Japan, admittedly usually men around his age, devoted to the notion that Japan is better than anywhere else, has better people, better food, better ethics, I dunno, just better everything. He usually begins lunch-table conversations along the lines of “YOU, YOU, Uh, Japan, very good food, neh!?”; “YOU, YOU, autumn, Japanese very good season neh!?”; “YOU, YOU, Japanese girls, very beautiful, neh!?” and the list goes on. Usually of course, I humour him by agreeing that yes, Japan is No1 and everywhere else sucks. I thought it had become a bit of an in-joke, that he didn’t really believe what he was saying.
Well, the other day, something terrible happened; an elementary schoolgirl was killed by one of her classmates in Nagoya. The principle began, undeterred “Japan, very safety country! News, news, mezurashii (rare), neh!?”. I thought, just for badness, I might bait him, tease him a little, by reminding him about the schoolchild in Kobe who murdered a couple of children and left the decapitated head of one at the school gates, or the case in Nagoya about a year ago where a schoolchild, high on drugs, dropped a baby off a high-rise building. “Japan is becoming bad”, I told him in my best Japanese.
Needless to say, this went down like a lead-balloon; poor Ishii seemed a bit taken aback by the reminder that Japan, like other countries, also has a modicum of violent crime. I hadn’t counted for quite how much he believed Japan’s own publicity, as the next morning, he made sure to again reassure me, that Japan is a very “safety country” with good schools and so on. The exasperated manner in which he did so makes me wonder if he sat up all night crying into his Mizu soup, racking his brains trying to reconcile the notion that Japan is a miracle of purity and perfection, whilst oddly bad things seem to be happening more and more often. Poor Ishii, poor, deluded Ishii; I hope I haven’t scuppered our friendship!
So the latest news in the weather situation is that the rainy season has kicked in. The weather news says to expect a month of non-stop rain. I was quite depressed at the fact, until Ricky snapped me out of it when he told me that he quite liked the rainy season “Reminds me of home; its pretty much rainy season every day back home!” I got this snap on Saturday though, just before it started.
9th June
I got mildly offended the other day at the gym. I was just walking in when this huge plumper, who weighed 30 stone if he weighed an ounce, exclaimed “Gaijin da!”. Now, if he was a country bumpkin, I could understand his surprise at seeing a foreigner, but not in a town less than 40 mins from Tokyo, where seeing a foreigner isn’t exactly a rare thing. Nor am I offended that he noticed me; sometimes I like the fact that people notice me, the closest I’ll ever get to knowing what a movie star feels like! Honestly though, I ask you, who looks stupider, a 30 stone monstrosity or someone who happens to have a big nose and blue eyes. This guy was filthy; there was flab spilling out of his tracksuit, which in turn was stained a grimy grey-brown from years of ingrained sweat. He was an absolute state, and where he got the confidence to accuse someone else of sticking out of the crowd I’ll never know!
It’s coming round to that time again, a little over six weeks now, before I’ll be stuck at the BoE for a seeming eternity. I’ve worn this thread a little thin over the months, but I just got a new angle yesterday. Yesterday my team-teacher asked, “what are you doing for your summer hols?”. I pointed out that I’ve used up most of my days off, so I probably won’t be doing that much, just sitting in the BoE. “What, you mean you have to go there even though there’re no classes!”. I explained yes, isn’t it stupid, isn’t it torture, isn’t it just the MOST ILLOGICAL THING YOU’VE EVER HEARD!! “But what about the five days holday?”. What 5 days, I patiently pursued. “You know, 5 days, plus three days for the o-bon festival, every teacher gets them”. Really? Oh, really? First I’ve heard of it. I wouldn’t be in the slightest bit surprised if we had a bigger holiday allowance that no-one had seen fit to tell us about! More likely I reckon though, is the purposely ambiguous job description we all hold, whereby we must behave like teachers at school for months on end, but whenever any perks come around, we instantaneously metamorphose into office employees without the benefits.
Now I realise I’ve painted my supervisor, Mr Yamaguchi, as the chief villain in all this, but I’d like to retract previous statements and declare him a slightly inept, bumbling oaf, merely a tool of the system. He’s the buffoonish Abu Hamza to the section chief’s nefarious Osama bin Laden. The real villain of the peace is actually Yamaguchi’s own boss. I never received a reply to that carefully worded and beautifully presented query that I gave the board about 5 months ago! Yamaguchi did tell me that he had spoken to his boss…conversation over. Yes folks, when as Taoe puts it they “hanko” (nb stamp) a document over here, it cannot be undone; when a rule has been made, it cannot be unwritten.
The other news from the Board is the soon to be aborted farewell party. As three of the four assistant teachers are leaving this year, the board thought they’d throw them a party. My analysis puts it like this; the board wanted to have a party and the AETs provided a legitimate excuse for one. They’ve pencilled in an overnight stay at an onsen. Now can you think of anything more delightful to celebrate your time in Japan than a scorching hot bath with a bunch of naked balding ageing men? I hazard to guess that conversation would not be exactly…scintillating. And the price? “less than 40000Yen (£200)”!! This isn’t a joke, they honestly thought we’d pay that much to be scalded then bored to death! The only reason these guys can afford it is because they all get big fat bonuses in the summer and winter, which we, as “temporary” staff, also fail to qualify for. So they can kiss my ass.
11th June
The enkai with the Shinozu bunch tonight was great fun tonight. I gave my first impromptu speech in Japanese without making any bad errors I hope. This school has always tended to incorporate me more than the others, and I’m gonna be very sad to leave (again). I had 5 classes today, and each one was a joy. My co-workers have told me that the kids here really like me ‘cos I’m enthusiastic (meaning that I overact and over-dramatise all the skits in class, and have stupid childish conversations with the children). I think I could’ve reached a certain level of contentment by now if I’d only been allowed to stay at one of the schools full-time! Anyway, a few pics from tonight 1 2 3
Next Morning:
Eughhh!! I’ve never seen something quite that colour and texture come out of my anus before. What is it about enkais that wreaks such havoc with one’s digestive system that you’re running to the bathroom every 3 seconds with a brand new load to deposit? Well, guess it could’ve been the snails, raw shrimp, raw sea urchin…and about a gallon of beer. Picture not included.
13th June
Ok, I’m going to be back at the Keio Plaza in Shinjuku for the next 3 days. My recontracting conference has reared its ugly head. On the plus side, it means free breakfasts and lunch, and I won’t have to cycle through a barrage of rain to and from work. On the downside…it’s a JET conference. You can’t even begin to understand how dull these things are. I’ve been to the Orientation conference and two subsequent conferences, and the pattern for all has been the same. A bunch of very lively, happy clappy people with Cheshire grins glued permanently to their faces bounce around, telling us all how they think we should all be doing our jobs, except that they’ve no idea what anyone else’s situation with their employers, co-workers or pupils are like. They’re the same people who take such meaningless roles in life as School Prefect, Milk Monitor etc etc because either 1.) they want everyone to look at them and think how wonderful they are 2) they’re really cold blooded ruthless careerists thinking years ahead of themselves for stuff to write on their CVs. Without fail the handouts and advice chucked so liberally at us will be completely meaningless and devoid of any use. However, as long as the Japanese government are putting hundreds of foreigners up at a 5-star hotel and lavishing guest speakers, food and an amazon rainforest of pamphlets on them, no-one can argue that they’re not taking steps to improve English education, right? Except that real solutions don’t come that easily!
And what are the odds that my room-mate will be a big fat lump who snores?
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