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The Lord High Commander by unohoo
Winner of Best Filk in the 2003 Farscape Fanfic Awards
The Lord High Commander
Acknowledgement: I definitely owe Runnik for this massive undertaking. Many, many thanks.
Reference: The Mikado Web page - (complete lyrics, dialogue, and music available here).
Notation: songs marked with an * contain only minor changes from the original.
Time Frame: Unohoo’s vision of Season 3 final four episodes.
Spoilers: Only if you believe this.
Location: Planet Titipu, Gammak Base Titipu
Dramatis Personae:
Scorpius [Mikado] – Lord High Commander (Command includes Titipu)
Crichton [Nanki-Poo] (Scorpius’ elusive prize, and in love with Aeryn Sun)
Crais [Ko-Ko] (Aurora Chair Captain)
Braca [Pooh-Bah] (Captain of everything else)
D’Argo [Pish-Tush] (High ranking PK)
Aeryn Sun [Yum-Yum] (Bound to Crais)
Chiana [Pitti-Sing] (friend of Aeryn)
Jool [Peep-Bo] (friend of Aeryn)
Furlow [Katisha} (Chief technician, in love with Crichton)
Chorus of PKs, Officers, Guards, and lackies
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ACT I
Courtyard of Crais’ Official Residence
Summary of Act I: John Crichton wanders onto the Gammak Base, Titipu disguised as a roving scientist, one that you can find in any bar in the universe. He is seeking Aeryn Sun who he loves. He asks after her and is told that she is to be wed to Crais this very day. Crais is the lord high aurora chair operator and while he is preparing for his wedding to Aeryn Sun, they learn that Scorpius, the High Commander is on his way. Crais was put in charge of the Chair as he was to be the next victim, and it was reasoned that he couldn’t both operate the chair and be in it too. Fearful that Scorpius wants to find out how many victims Crais has placed in the chair, Crais makes a deal with Crichton that he can wed Aeryn and be with her for a month if he submits to the chair after. Crichton agrees. Meanwhile, Furlow shows up and claims Crichton as her lover and fellow scientist. She is told to go away, as Crichton is about to marry Aeryn Sun. Fulow tries to reveal Crichton’s true nature and that he is the coveted scientist Scorpius is after, and that she and Crichton together are to produce the wormhole. She is frustrated and John Crichton and Aeryn Sun slip away.
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If you want to know who we are
If you want to know who we are,
We are Peacekeepers of the Universe
On many a moon and star
On many an aimed prowler,
Our uniforms black leather;
Our attitude harsh and cruel –
Oh only if you knew – oh!
If you think we blindly obey
And are unthinkingly mean
You don’t know that we may
Find comfort in routine.
If you think that this throng
Can’t keep it up cycles long
If that’s your idea, you’re wrong, oh,oh!
If that’s your idea, you’re wrong.
If you want to know who we are,
We are Peacekeepers of the Universe
On moon and star
In prowler and black leather
On many, many, many, many, many
Many, many, many, a star,
oh! oh! oh! oh!
On moon and star,
In Prowler and Black Leather.
John Crichton
Gentlemen, I pray you tell me
Where a radiant Peacekeeper Dwelleth,
Named Aeryn Sun, in Crais’s command
In pity speak, oh speak I pray you!
A PK of Rank
Why, who are you who ask this question?
John Crichton
Come gather round me, and I’ll tell you.
A Wandering Human
A wandering human I –
A thing of science and technology
Of wormholes and mythology
And frelling neural clones
My wormhole knowledge is unique
And prized like no other
Which makes me run for cover
And Scorpius is in a pique!
And Scorpius is in a pique!
Are you in need of cover?
I’ll stand by you,
Oh, frell and dren!
On assignments do you seek?
I’ll seek them too –
Oh, frell and dren, oh frell!
I’ll charm your willing ears
With tales of PK fears,
While sympathetic tears
My cheeks bedew!
Oh, frell and dren, oh frell!
But if military tactics are wanted,
I’ve complicated plans for you entail
For where’er you may be sent and counted
All the other plans lack my detail!
Peacekeeper warriors, in serried ranks assembled,
Never quail – or they conceal it if they do –
And I shouldn’t be surprised if planets trembled
Before the mighty troops, the troops of Titipu!
And if you long for a song of space,
We’ll heave the hetch drive round,
With a yeo-heave ho, for the space is steady,
Her position’s geo-synchronous and ready,
Hurrah for the homeward bound!
To float adrift in a gravity well
May tickle a planetman’s taste,
But the happiest arn a PK sees
Is when he’s not far
From a space port bar,
With his Gilena on his knees, yeo ho!
And his arm around her waist!
A wandering human I –
A thing of science and technology
Of wormholes and mythology
And frelling neural, neural clones
Our Great Commander, Virtuous Man
D’Argo
Our great Commander, virtuous man,
When he to rule our base began,
Resolved to try
A plan whereby
Young PK’s might best be steadied,
So he decreed, in words succinct,
That all who flirted, leered or winked
(Unless ordered so by linked),
Should be in the Aurora Chair be headed, headed, headed
Should be in the Aurora Chair be headed.
And I expect you’ll all agree
That he was right to so decree.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right as right can be!
Chorus
And you are right.
And we are right,
And all is right, is right as right can be!
And all is right as right can be!
Right as right can be!
D’Argo
This stern decree, you will learn,
Caused great dismay throughout the Base!
For young and old
And shy and bold
Were equally affected,
The youth who then caressed the hair
Or sang a ballad, a loving air
Found himself condemned to the chair
He usually objected, objected, objected,
He usually objected.
And you’ll allow, as I expect,
That he was right to so object.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And everything is quite correct!
Chorus
And you are right,
And we are right,
And everything is quite, is quite correct,
And everything is quite correct,
All is quite correct!
D’Argo
And so we found a renegade
Who on orders disobeyed,
Who was for the Aurora chair
And kept in Scorpius’ care
Condemned to be mind probed
And we made him chair operator
Once in that role, could not control
The chair, and be in it or
Be used on any other soul.
And we are right, I think you'll say,
To argue in this kind of way;
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right--too-looral-lay!
Chorus
And I am right,
And you are right,
And you are right, -- too-looral-lay!
D’Argo and Chorus
And we are right,
And all is right,
And all is right!
Young Man, Despair *
Braca
Young man, Despair,
Likewise go to,
Aeryn Sun the fair
You must not woo,
It will not do:
I’m sorry for you,
Your very imperfect sub-executor!
This very day
From battle Aeryn sun
Will wend her way,
And homeward come,
With beat of drum
And a rum-tum-tum,
To wed the Lord High Chair Operator!
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they’ll cut a dash
On their wedding day,
She’ll toddle away, as all avow
With the Lord High Chair Operator!
John Crichton and Braca,
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they’ll cut a dash
On their wedding day,
She’ll toddle away, as all avow
With the Lord High Chair Operator!
Braca
It’s a hopeless case,
As you may see,
And in your place
Away I’d flee;
But don’t blame me—
I’m sorry to be
Of your pleasure a diminutioner,
They’ll vow their pact
Extremely soon,
In point of fact,
This afternoon,
Her honeymoon
With that buffoon
At seven commences, so you shun her!
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they’ll cut a dash
On their wedding day,
She’ll toddle away, as all avow
With the Lord High Chair Operator!
All
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they’ll cut a dash
On their wedding day,
She’ll toddle away, as all avow
With the Lord High Chair Operator!
And I have journeyed for a Monen
John Crichton:
And have I journeyed for a monen, or nearly,
To learn that Aeryn sun, whom I love so dearly,
This day to Crais is to be united!
Braca:
The fact appears to be as you’ve recited
But here he comes, equipped as suites his station,
He’ll give you any further information.
*******************************
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