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FarSide Story: A Musical (Pt 3)by Elnea
This fic won third place for Best Script and Best Poem, Filk and Haiku for the 2005 Sparky's Farscape FanFic Awards.
FarSide Story: A Musical(Part 3)
by Elnea
**MUSIC STARTS FOR "COOL"**
BRACA(spoken): Boss, now you better dig this and dig it good. No
matter if that broad is eatin' at you, man you show it and you are
dead. You are cuttin' a hole in your head for her to heat these red
hot rods in and open you. Wide. You wanna live in this lousy world?
You play it cool.
SCORPIUS: I want to get even!
CRICHTON: Get cool!
SCORPIUS: I'm going to bust!
BRACA: Keep cool!
SCORPIUS: She'll make me go!
CRICHTON: Not cool!
CRICHTON (singing): Boy, boy, crazy boy
Get cool, boy
Rods are joggin' in your noggin'
Stay coolie cool boy
Don't get hot
'Cause man you have got
hot rods in your head
Take it slow
Just keep status quo
And get that woman fired instead
BRACA: Sir, Sir, Captain, Sir
Facades, Sir
Make it
Take it
You can fake it
Need more blue rods sir?
CRICHTON: Go man, go
Play up your mojo and prod her
BRACA: Just keep it cool, Sir
CRICHTON: Real cool
Musical interlude: The crew moves upstage and huddles with urgency
CRAIS: This may help us. This Grayza may shut down Scorpius'
project altogether.
CRICHTON: No, it's a disaster. This only turns up the heat to get
the project done. We have to stop this, now. And we can't just turn
off the project. This whole ship is the wormhole project. We have
to blow it up.
AERYN: You can't do that!
CRAIS: There are 50,000 men, women and children on this ship!
CRICHTON: Aren't there escape pods or something?
AERYN and CRAIS look at each other.
CRAIS: There...is one way...
AERYN: No!
CRAIS: Talyn is sick beyond repair, and Scorpius has locked me out.
Talyn is now a prisoner and always will be. It will be a kinder
fate.
JOOL: What are you talking about?
D'ARGO: They're talking about starbursting Talyn inside of this
command carrier...it would destroy the ship.
CRAIS: But with time enough for everyone to escape.
CHIANA: But what about Talyn?!
(a beat of silence)
AERYN (wearily) It is the best way. I agree.
CRAIS: This sacrifice will not be in vain you must promise me. But
we will go down with a fight.
CHIANA: We are all going to die, aren't we?
JOOL (cuffing CHIANA): Cut it out, you're depressing me.
CHIANA and JOOL slap at each other comically
D'ARGO: Stop that!
AERYN: Everyone is panicking
CRICHTON: No, we can get through this. Hell, everyone here's been
dead at least once in the last 3 years and we all got better.
CHIANA: Well I'm going to find someone to frell. I'm not going to
die without getting laid.
D'ARGO growls
JOOL: Well, it is good to see your priorities are in order!
CHIANA: I'm gonna come before I go
D'ARGO: Enough! We have a job to do.
CRICHTON: Alright, look, I'll distract 'em. I'll take Scorpy for a
wormhole demonstration later tonight, that'll give us some time.
CRAIS: And I will prepare Talyn
CRICHTON: Let's do it.
CRICHTON looks at AERYN
CRICHTON: Aeryn
AERYN: Crichton
BOTH: I...Ugh! (They turn away from each other)
CRICHTON moves back to BRACA and SCORPIUS, who is looking
better
CRICHTON (singing, laying a hand on Scorpius)
Scorpy, Scorpy, crazy Scorpy
deceit, boy
Cheat her
Beat her
You'll defeat her
There's no retreat, boy
Go man go
Just don't go slo-mo
You fool boy
We'll play it cool, boy
Real cool
**END MUSIC 13 MEASURES** as...
BRACA motions for the PKs to leave and helps SCORPIUS off-stage left
and then re-enters. He addresses Crichton.
BRACA: Hey you! What are you up to?!
CRICHTON: Who me, Officer Braca?
BRACA: That's Lieutenant Braca to you.
CHIANA: I think we should call him toy-boy Braca
AERYN: Do we really have to be locked up?
BRACA: You know, If it weren't for this wormhole business you'd have
to give me a good reason not to drag the lot of ya ya to the gym and
beat the tar out of you, ya punks!
**MUSIC CUE, 10 MEASURES INTRO "GEE, OFFICER KRUPKE"**
CRICHTON (singing): Dear... kindly Mister Braca
I'd guess that it is true
That we're all just alpaca
to someone cool as you
I guess that it must irk you
To need our help like this
CHIANA: Start out easy, give *my* ass a kiss
MOYA'S CREW: Gee Officer Braca
We're very upset
We don't get your affection
Like the PKs all get
We ain't no Sebaceans
Without us you'll fry
Though we don't like you, we will try
CRICHTON: We will try
CREW: We will try
We will try
We're your new ally
You do not deserve it but we'll try!
CHIANA advances and climbs over and on Braca and he ineffectually
brushes her off as the PKs enter stage left
BRACA (spoken): That's a touching good story...
JOOL: Lemme tell it to the world!
D'ARGO (to BRACA): So tell it to the PKs so we can get out of
here!!
BRACA backs away from CHIANA (who is still clinging to him) and
into the RELJIK
RELJIK (singing): So...Braca I'm supposing
By acting like a snob
That other than brown-nosing
You have some sort of job?
Have you been recreating
with someone who is gray?
Boy, that's called a suicide squeeze play
HENTA: Ooh! Officer Braca
You need to upgrade
You risk contamination
Just to get yourself laid
Why don't you come get some
unwelcome advice
Don't talk to strangers, they're not nice
They're not nice!
PKs (surrounding Braca and poking him):
They're not nice
They're not nice
They are not so nice
Like the best of them is not so nice
PK1 (spoken): Hear ye, hear ye. In the opinion of this mob, a
Sebacean woman won't have a Sebacean man with a penchant for
aliens
RELJIK: Hey, He's deprived on account of he's depraved!
PK1: If he's depraved he should work for Grayza!!!
(Enter GRAYZA)
BRACA (singing): Don't- speak unless I'm spoken
I tow the PK line
I let the sitch just soak in
Promotions are assigned
I've learned that to succeed is
To keep the status quo
But your perfume makes my willie grow
GRAYZA: Gee Officer Braca
You're really a bore
With clever double-crossing
We can fend off this war
Now I'm finger lickin'
like barbeque sauce
And you will get to frell your boss
PKs: Frell the boss!
Frell the boss
Frell the boss
Now you've come across
Like you get to frell the frelling boss!
BRACA backs away from them and runs into SCORPY. Scorpy draws him
aside away from GRAYZA and the PKs.
AERYN (spoken): She seems stuck up
CRICHTON: Braca's gonna suck up
CHIANA: You mean suck on
ALL others: Ewwwwwww!
SCORPY (singing to BRACA):
Bra-ca you're like a brother
The only one I trust
We'll outwit all the others
And give the killing thrust
I'll even let you leash me
Or chain me like a hound
Miklo Braca, how does "Admiral" sound?
Oh Officer Braca
You're really a sneak
Now you're a double agent
Not some ass-kissing geek
Let everyone think you're a weasel-ly guy
And you can be a super-spy
BRACA: Super-spy??!?!
ALL: Super-spy
Super-spy
Be a super-spy
Like the coolest choice is be a spy!
THE CREW: The trouble is you're chicken
SCORPY: The trouble is you're brave
CRICHTON: The trouble clock is tickin'
GRAYZA: And trouble's what I crave
PKs: The trouble is the boning
BRACA: The trouble is I'm boned
ALL: Braca we've got troubles of our own!
All cast (except BRACA) lines up in chorus line to can-can
ALL: Gee Officer Braca, you're king of the gits
GRAYZA: Why would you pass a chance to taste these pert bouncy t*ts?
ALL: Oh Officer Braca, what are you to do?
Gee, Officer Braca
Frell you!
**END MUSIC**
GRAYZA (motions to BRACA): You...here...now
GRAYZA moves to upstage left and Braca joins her. They turn to
each other and speak in hushed voices, BRACA's back is to the
audience.
SCORPIUS: The time has come, John. I have located your home planet,
Earth. If you don't finish the wormhole project, I will destroy your
world.
CRICHTON (slumps): I...um...I have to think. You have to
give me a chance to think. And you have to release me and my
gang.
SCORPIUS: Very well. You have until tonight to finish the project.
Tonight John!
SCORPIUS stalks off downstage right
HALJIK: Boy, I hope you decide not to cooperate, because me and my
buddies are gonna tear you apart! HALJIK and PKs turn their backs
to the audience laughing to upstage right and freeze.
CRICHTON moves to left stage. AERYN wrings her hands, and then
moves to stage right.
The CREW moves downstage between JOHN and AERYN. When PKs sing they
turn and push in between CREW members. As all castmembers move they
speak as follows in order:
AERYN: I have to tell him about the baby
SCORPIUS: My plan is finally working!
CRICHTON: I think my plan might actually work!
RELJIK (to PKs): We'll get Crichton and his gang but good!
JOOL, D'ARGO, and CRAIS: We're all going to die
CHIANA: I need a frell, like now
GRAYZA: That's right Braca, a little lower. That's a good boy.
** music begins for "Tonight: Quintet"- This is a song where 5
different songs are woven together, and make much more sense when you
hear it or see the sheet music! **
CRICHTON:
John Crichton's gonna have his way
Tonight
I'm gonna get to make my play
Tonight
They're mad I gave their posse
The slip
But I'll go kamikaze
To bring down this ship
PKs:
We're gonna hand him a surprise
Tonight
We're gonna cut him down to size
Tonight
Defeated our assassins
Okay
We're gonna kick his ass in
to cycles away
Tonight
CREW:
We're gonna shock em tonight
We're gonna pull the rug from under their feet
PKS:
We're gonna clean up our ship
We're gonna show 'em why PKs can't be beat
PKS: Well they began it
CREW: And Crichton planned it
PKs + CREW: And we are gonna turn them into dead meat
Tonight!
CHIANA and GRAYZA:
And Grayza's/Chiana's gonna get a frell tonight
A private little show and tell tonight
CHIANA: So D'Argo's mad, whatever! Who cares?
We'll come and go together.
GRAYZA: Start saying your prayers
BOTH: Tonight!
CRICHTON:
Tonight, tonight
I'll show Scorpy a sight
Tonight I'll fly my ship to the breach
Tonight, Tonight
We'll break his back tonight
And I'll keep
What I know
Out of reach
SCORPIUS
Today the microts seem like arns,
The arns go so slowly,
I'll finally fly tonight
It's black and white
Our plight will finally be
Set a-right
Tonight
CREW
The crew is going with a plan tonight
That's made up by this crazy man tonight
'Cause with a wormhole weapon PKs
Will make our people stepped on in so many ways
(begin quintet)
AERYN: Tonight, tonight
RALJIK : We're gonna hammer this boy
PK1 & 2 : Alright
AERYN: Won't be just any night
CRICHTON: And now the hammer will fall
D'ARGO and JOOL: Alright
AERYN: Tonight I will lay open my heart.
PK1 (spoken) Frell the swell
PK2 (spoken) Then the Dren
AERYN: Tonight, tonight
CRICHTON: And don't forget don't be late
CREW (impatient): Alright!
AERYN: I'll tell my love tonight
PKs: We're gonna rock 'em tonight
CHIANA+ GRAYZA: Tonight
AERYN: If I don't
CREW: We're gonna shock 'em tonight
CHIANA+ GRAYZA: Tonight
SCORPY: It's tonight
AERYN: It will tear us apart
CHIANA+ GRAYZA: I'm gonna get some tonight
CREW: Tonight
(Now parts per character to end of song):
AERYN & JOHN:
Today the microts seem like arns
The arns go so slowly,
When will my soul feel light?
I'll end this fright
And make these endless wrongs,
Turn to right,
Tonight,
CHIANA+ GRAYZA
Chiana's/Grayza's gonna get a frell
She'll have a little show and tell
Chiana always gets on well
At night
Tonight
Tonight
This very night
Tonight
CREW:
They began it
They began it
We'll stop 'em once and for all
This crew is gonna have its way
This crew is gonna have its day
They're gonna get it tonight
Tonight!
PKS
They began it
They began it
And we're the one's to stop 'em once and for all
PKs are gonna have their way
PKs are gonna have their day
They're gonna get it tonight
Tonight
** end Tonight Quintet...whew! **
CRICHTON crosses to SCORPY
CRICHTON (spoken): Okay Scorpy, its time. You win. But you have to
let my crew go. I'm ready to take you out in my ship to show you
how to make a wormhole.
SCORPY: I am pleased you've come to your senses.
CRICHTON: Let's go. Wish me luck, gang! Listen for us over the
intercom channels, we'll let you know how it goes.
SCORPY and CRICHTON exit stage left. The remaining cast (except
CRAIS) move to the stage left. And listen for Crichton.
CRICHTON (over the speaker): Here we go, kids. This should
be fun. Listen to the sound of the wormhole!! And perhaps I shall
sing a number or two....
The cast freezes in "listening" positions.
CRAIS comes to front of stage right. He addresses the air around
him.
CRAIS: Talyn, can you hear me? I was able to get past the guards
because Crichton is distracting them all with that infernal
singing.
Cast unfreezes
CRICHTON (over the comm) Oh I come from Alabama with a
banjo on my knee... (spoken) Do you like the wormhole,
Scorpy?
SCORPY (also voice only): Yes John, that was wonderful.
Let's go back now, I feel a little dizzy
CRICHTON: Oh come on! One more song! (singing) Jimmy
crack corn, and I don't care!!!!
CAST freezes again
CRAIS: Talyn? Are you there?
TALYN (voice only): Yes? (Talyn's voice is played by a child, or is childlike)
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