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FarSide Story: A Musical (Pt 2) by Elnea
This fic won third place for Best Script and Best Poem, Filk and Haiku for the 2005 Sparky's Farscape FanFic Awards.
FarSide Story: A Musical (Part 2)
by Elnea
**MUSIC STARTS HERE"MARIA"**
CRICHTON (singing): The most beautiful love I ever had
(aside to audience) I can't let them know I'll keep Aeryn
unknown. All my own
(To PKs)I have only one that I fell for bad
(aside to audience)She does love my clone but my secrets my
own Oh my own oh .. Wynnona
(He draws out his gun and cradles it, occasionally "accidentally"
pointing it at the PKs, who dodge)
I love my pulse pistol Wynnona
And suddenly I see
No better weaponry for me
Wynnona
She's smoother than silk my Wynonna
And this one is for keeps
The only gal that sleeps with me
Wynnona
How she flares with the lightest of presses
She responds to my public caresses
Wynnona! Wynnona! Wynonna! Wynonna!
I own her! I've thrown her!
I know her! I've blown her!
Wynnona!
Only she can make me feel bigger
With my fingers massaging her trigger
Wynnona
I'll never stop loving.. Wynnona!
The most beautiful gun I ever owned
Wynnona!
**END MUSIC**
The PKs stand gaping as the crew comes back on stage left.
HENTA (Pointing at CRICHTON): This human is bad news.
RELJIK: Yeah, he's a little disturbing.
AERYN: He gives us all a woody
The PKs look oddly at AERYN as they exit stage right.
D'ARGO: John, what is happening with Scorpius?
CRICHTON: Well, I met with him and agreed to help him with the
wormholes. It's scary, he actually had figured a lot of it out.
CRAIS: You aren't actually helping him!
CRICHTON: Well, I'm draggin' my feet. I was taking a long coffee
break when those thugs started chasing me down here. They accused me
of going steady with Aeryn.
AERYN: What did you say?
CRICHTON: I defended your honor, of course!
CRAIS: This is pointless
AERYN (to Crichton): No, John, what did you tell them?
CRAIS: Look, this is taking too much time.
D"ARGO: John, we need to be doing something
JOOL: I feel useless.
CHIANA: Well, you are useless.
JOOL: Get bent!
CRICHTON: Look, I need you all to cool your jets. I have this plan...
CREW (in unison): Argh!!!!!
RYGEL (voiced by D'Argo): We all know about your so-called
"plans" Crichton.
CRICHTON: It speaks!
JOOL: I can think of about a dozen things I would rather be doing
right now
CHIANA: Why don't you go back to looking at yourself in the mirror
JOOL: Get bent
D'ARGO: This isn't helping anything
RYGEL: Why did we agree to come on this insane expedition?
**MUSIC STARTS "AMERICA"**
CHIANA (singing): I'd rather be on a commerce world
Pull better gee on a commerce world
Everything's free on a commerce world
For girls like me on a commerce world
D'ARGO: I like the planet of Luxan
CHIANA: Where hyper-rage is a turn-on
D'ARGO: All of the of warriors in full gear
CHIANA: All of the warriors drunk on beer
ALL: Lots of fresh air down on planet side
We got a prayer down on planet side
PKs beware down on planet side
JOHN: Hospital care down on planet side
JOOL: You should go back to Nebari Prime
CHIANA: Pull off my head just to save time
JOOL: Everyone there is in good cheer
CHIANA: Everyone's brains have been wiped clear
ALL: Much slower pace on Nebari Prime
No one from space on Nebari Prime
All happy face on Nebari Prime
Your brain replace on Nebari Prime
*cast dances around*
JOOL: I would go back to Interion
CHIANA: Let's get a ship you could go on!
JOOL: Every one there has high IQ
CHIANA: So everyone there is not like you?
JOOL: I'd like to be in Interion
Big shopping spree on Interion
College is free on Interion
Fashion is key on Interion
*more dancing*
RYGEL: I like the throne of Hynerian
JOHN: I'll get a book you can sit on
RYGEL: Everyone there would give a big cheer
D'ARGO: Everyone'd cheer if you weren't here
ALL: We want to be on our own home world
We're absentee from our own home world
No third degree on our own home world
Family tree on our own home world
*dancing and end*
**END MUSIC**
CREW except AERYN leaves stage left, still bickering. HENTA enters
stage right and crosses to AERYN at left.
HENTA: Aeryn.
AERYN: Henta. You're talking to me?
HENTA: Is it true? That Crichton knocked you up?
AERYN: What?!?
HENTA: I saw you coming out of the infirmary. You were holding...
AERYN: Oh that! Oh no. It was ...nothing.
CRAIS followed by LARELL enters stage right
LARELL: Bialar, baby, how could you have left? I've been so
worried. You know I dig you.
CRAIS: You know as well as I that I was driven from my command by
Scorpius. I did not leave willingly. Although now that I have again
tasted freedom I realize I would leave willingly now. You should
too.
HENTA (to AERYN): You have to stay away from these aliens.
How could you have turned away from your people?
AERYN: I had no choice. But I would do it again now that I know...
** Music begins "A Boy Like That / I Have a Love" ** (LARELL and
CRAIS sing as a duet stage right, as do HENTA and AERYN stage
left)
LARELL (singing): A man like that
Who killed your brother
AERYN: We're grown on ships
Don't know our mothers
HENTA and LARELL: One of your own kind
Stick to your own kind
LARELL: Just turn them in
Get back in favor
CRAIS: In my new life
I've gotten braver
HENTA and LARELL: One of your own kind
Stick to your own kind
AERYN: PK grunts cannot love
And with no love there's no heart
HENTA: Without your team
You're not above
You are apart
Not too smart
An alien counterpart
AERYN: A crew like you
That calls me traitor
CRAIS: PKs like you
Won't back me later
HENTA and LARELL: You turned against us
They'll turn on you
Just wait and see
Just wait he'll (they'll) leave you
Just wait and see
AERYN: Oh no oh Henta no
CRAIS: Lieutenant no
AERYN: A solar day
With this man
From my life
I was banned
CRAIS: But to forgive
And to repent
To represent
Another life form
AERYN: Henta
CRAIS and AERYN: Reinvents
You, makes you better
You were my friend
Or so you said
You should know better
I have seen love
And it's all that I need
I belong
And love will see me through
CRAIS: Life's more than a gun
I've learned from Aeryn Sun
And I tell you it's true
AERYN: I have known love
I have grown and I've learned
Right from wrong
I know that you could too
CRAIS and AERYN:
I've left you far, far behind me
No black and white now to guide me
All of my life
There's no shades of greys
To consummate PKs
With love I see more!!
**END MUSIC**
HENTA and LARELL shake their heads in disbelief and leave stage
right.
CREW enters stage left
D'ARGO: Aeryn, have you seen John?
AERYN: I thought he was with you.
CRAIS: I've noticed that when Crichton is left to his own devices he
frequently ends up being injured in some way.
CRICHTON limps on stage looking very disheveled.
CHIANA: You mean like that?
D'ARGO: John, what happened?
**MUSIC STARTS FOR "I FEEL PRETTY", 1 MEASURE INTRO**
CRICHTON (singing): I feel sh*tty
It's not pretty
There's a hit spree committee each day
Have some pity
And don't kick me in the nuts today
Its defeating
All these beatings
This repeated mistreating of me
Is this bleeding?
Guaranteed I'll need a new Black Tee
See that beat-up man in that mirror there?
Who could that pathetic man be?
What a puffy eye!
What a bloody nose!
What busted lip!
Oh my god it's me!
Oh stop laughing
Get ice packing
It's attackings that SACC had forseen
It's obscene
Trampoline for the whole galaxy!!
CREW: Do you know our good friend named Crichton?
The craziest guy on our ship
You'll know him the minute you fight him
He'll get knocked on his ass and you'll re-split his lip
He thinks he is tough
He's mostly insane
(CRICHTON: La La La!)
CREW: It might just be love
Or clones in his brain
He never gives up
CRICHTON: Think I'm gonna hurl! (Blah la la!!)
CREW: Each time he looks up
Cold-cocked by a girl
And he talks so much
Never slackens
So to shut him up
We must whack him
Goes rushing in
Though he's mostly blind
(JOHN: I am not! )
CREW: His plans never work
He's out of his mind
CRICHTON (spoken): Hey, I've had it tough!
CRICHTON (singing): I've been bedded
And then wedded
I've been dead and crossbred and freeze-dried
And beheaded
A Nebari-an pulled out my eyes
CREW: La lala lalala la lala
CRICHTON: Aeryn thrilled me
Then she killed me
I've been cloned I've been thrown into space
It's just silly
All the times they readjust my face
CREW: La lala lalala la lala la lala
CRICHTON: See that beat up guy in the mirror there?
CREW: Which mirror where?
CRICHTON: Who can that pathetic schmuck be?
CREW: Which what where...Huh?
CRICHTON: Get beat up by chicks
Get beat up by kids
Get beat up by ships
Get away from me!
CREW: Now we all can see
John will always be
Human fricassee
CRICHTON: I feel crappy
Something's snapping
Tooth recapping
And scabbing's decreed
I'm bitch-slapped by the frelling whole galaxy!!!
(John faints to the floor)
**END MUSIC**
Enter BRACA, SCORPIUS and GRAYZA followed by PKs stage right
GRAYZA: So this is the man who will finish your wormhole research?
SCORPIUS: He has the knowledge in his mind.
GRAYZA: This is ridiculous. I am putting all these people under
arrest. None of you may leave this room.
CREW: What!?!?
SCORPIUS: Commandant, I must be allowed to finish my work. It is
almost complete and with it we will win against the Scarrens.
CRICHTON (suddenly recovering): What is this about being
arrested?
GRAYZA (to SCORPIUS): High command feels you have wasted too much
money as it is on this futile project. I'm taking over your
ship.
SCORPIUS: You can't do that. You have to have some sort of
authorization.
GRAYZA: Oh, very well. I'm going to go have a hot bath and call the
head office. Then I'll take over tomorrow. Braca!
You...me...later! (She stalks off stage right)
BRACA (dreamily): She smells nice
CRICHTON: Well this sucks.
SCORPIUS looks stricken, and then begins too look unwell. Smoke
begins to emerge from his ears.
BRACA: Sir?
SCORPIUS: I think I need one of my cooling rods right now.
CRICHTON: Braca! Get crackin'!
BRACA scurries off
CRICHTON: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Scorpy, buddy, you can't combust on me
now, buddy. You know, in the years to come you'll look back on this
and have a good laugh. Buddy? Pal? We need you to get rid of this
Grayza.
SCORPIUS: Don't insult me with feigned friendship. You'd be glad to
see me dead.
BRACA returns and starts fiddling with SCORPY's head
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