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FarSide Story: A Musical (Pt 1)by Elnea
This fic won third place for Best Script and Best Poem, Filk and Haiku for the 2005 Sparky's Farscape FanFic Awards.
FarSide Story: A Musical
by Elnea
A Full Length Musical Filk of the Musical "West Side Story" based on "Into the Lion's Den" and the end of Season 3.
This is a full-length musical parody I have been fiddling with for a couple of years. Dabee and I sang the filk, "I feel sh*tty" at the 2003 ScaperCon in Chicago, and it was performed again (brilliantly) by Mattttt and the ScaperOpera Cast in Burbank at the Creation Con.
Warnings: A few uses of profanity, (spelled with *'s), and the occasional double entendre. Rating is the same as for the actual Farscape episodes.
Spoilers: For "Into the Lion's Den" and the end of Season 3
This filk follows the arrangements from the Original Broadway Recording of West Side Story rather than the film. Because of the Farscape storyline, some songs are out of their original order, and for this, I do sincerely apologize. ;-)
Disclaimer: No claim is made whatsoever to the characters, situations or concepts from Farscape (c. 1999-2004) or the music, lyrics, situations or concepts of West Side Story (c. 1956)
West Side Story: Original Lyrics By Stephen Sondheim
West Side Story: Original Music By Leonard Bernstein
Into the Lion's Den: Part One "Lamb's to the Slaughter" written by Richard Manning
Into the Lion's Den: Part Two "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" written by Rockne S. O'Bannon
Cast of Characters:
The Crew:
John Crichton: A lost human astronaut
Aeryn Sun: His Peacekeeper on-again-off-again girlfriend
Rygel: A Deposed Hynerian Dominar (puppet, also played by D'Argo)
D'Argo: Luxan warrior and captain of the crew
Chiana: His on-again-off-again Nebari girlfriend
Jool: An Interion Co-ed
Bialar Crais: An exiled PK officer
Talyn: A sentient hybrid leviathan warship, psychically linked to Crais
The PKs:
Scorpius: Crichton's nemesis, living for revenge against the Scarren Empire
Captain Braca: Lackey to Scorpius
Reljik: A PK grunt who doesn't like aliens
Lt. Larell: Crais' former lover
Henta: Aeryn's former best friend
PK1 (a.k.a. Jay) A PK grunt
PK2: (a.k.a. Bob) Another PK grunt
Grayza: A PK high commander able to control men with pheromones in her skin
(note, all the PKs should have New York accents except for Scorpius- unless any of the actors can successfully mimic Oz or Kiwi accents)
And now, we present FarSide Story: A Musical
SCENE: All events take place in a Peacekeeper Command Carrier
SCORPY and BRACA enter stage right.
BRACA: Hey boss! We've received a transmission from John Crichton. He agrees to your terms and is going to come aboard this command carrier to meet you.
SCORPY: This is excellent news, Braca. Is he bringing his entire crew?
BRACA: Yeah boss. (He looks at his clipboard). Let's see.
There is Officer Aeryn Sun. She was a Peacekeeper like us before she
was deemed irreversibly contaminated after joining John Crichton's
gang almost 3 cycles ago.
SCORPY: Ah, yes...his on-again, off-again companion...
BRACA: And Crichton's criminal associates: The Luxan warrior Ka D'Argo, and the deposed Hynerian dominar Rygel - huh, he's the little guy. Also there is a Nebari thief named Chiana and an Interion woman named Joolushko Tunai Fenta. Crichton wants guaranteed safe passage for his gang, I mean, his crew.
SCORPIUS: Fine, fine. What of the warship/leviathan hybrid, Talyn,
and its psychically linked Sebacean pilot, Captain Bialar Crais, who
I exiled from the Peacekeepers recently?
BRACA: Excellent comprehensive, yet pithy, summary, Boss.
SCORPIUS: Thank you. Well, what of Crais and his ship Talyn?
BRACA: Seems Talyn lost his marbles and shot up a bunch of civvies.
Crais wants to bring Talyn onboard for uh...cognitive
replacement.
SCORPIUS: Very well. Of course we will simply repossess Talyn once
he's aboard. Ah....Braca! (He puts his arm around Braca's
shoulder and gives him a squeeze). This is what I have been
waiting for. John is voluntarily giving up to me. He finally sees
he cannot escape me and is finally willing to give me what I
want....the wormhole technology. And with that technology we will
build the ultimate weapon, and finally win this war against the
Scarrens.
(SCORPIUS continues to shake Braca by the shoulder as Braca looks
increasingly uncomfortable).
BRACA: Uh...Sir, I would like to offer an opinion that Crichton may
have what you would call an ulterior motive for coming on our
turf.
SCORPIUS looks at BRACA and squeezes him again
**
*music starts 4/4 time, start in 4th measure*
SCORPIUS: Could be...
Who knows?
Crichton has games to play
I will know right away
Soon as he shows
He's got a plan to stop my search in the sky
He's gonna try
We will suppose
Who knows?
The wormholes I couldn't make
My career is now at stake
No guarantee
I got a feeling there's a miracle due
Gonna come true
Coming to me
Should it be?
Yes it should
Crichton finally
understood
It is his fate
Crichton's knowledge, I don't know what it is
But it is
Gonna be great!
No more fight
Anymore
Open wormhole
Win a war
Cut to the core
Crichton's coming, don't know when
But it's soon
Opportune
Even the score
A new death giver
It gives me such a shiver
Come on - deliver
To me
Come to me, come and share
Enemies won't have a prayer
They will despair
Come on, Crichton, come on in
Don't be shy
Have a cry
Sit in my chair
I can't stop hummin'
Cause my new weapon's comin'
Who knows
And once he is
In my grip
Might get a neural chip
Maybe tonight
Maybe tonight...
**END MUSIC**
SCORPY and BRACA leave stage left.
CREW enters stage right. D'Argo holds puppet Rygel
CRICHTON: Oh man, what was I thinking trying to take Scorpy on in
his own ship.
AERYN: Crichton, you are doing the right thing.
D'ARGO: Yes, John, you have to destroy the wormhole research they
are performing here. That technology is too dangerous for anyone to
have.
CRICHTON: Thanks D'Argo, Aeryn. I really appreciate you all
coming with me on this mission. So, Crais, what's it like to be back
on a Peacekeeper ship?
CRAIS: It is most...unpleasant. I am an exile. The Peacekeepers on
this ship are shunning both Officer Sun and myself.
CHIANA: Gee, I hope all the PKs aren't so unfriendly. I was hoping
to get a little action.
D'ARGO (bristling): Chiana! We have a purpose here. Stay
focused.
CHIANA: Look, I'm nervous. When I'm nervous, I need a frell.
JOOL: Well, I hate this even though I've never been on a PK ship
before. This is suicide. And I am totally wearing the wrong shoes.
Why didn't any one tell me they don't have any moving walkways on
these crates??!
The PKs then come on from stage left, pushing past the CREW and
intentionally knocking into them etc., especially AERYN and
CRAIS
JOOL: Hey!! Leave them alone!
CRAIS: Thank you Jool, but do not get involved in this.
D'ARGO: There's no need to get excited.
**MUSIC INTRO "THE JETS SONG"**
RELJIK: Oh we are anything but excited to be sharing oxygen with a
bunch of criminals and traitors.
CRICHTON: Hey, we're on the same side here.
HENTA: We have orders not to kill you. But we don't have to like you.
AERYN (pushing forward): Henta! Don't you remember me? We
were best friends.
HENTA: I'd never be friends with a traitor.
RELJIK: Any real PK would know we don't get close with anyone.
Because we are tough.
PK1: We don't need nobody!
PKs: Yeah!!!!
RELJIK (singing): When you're PK
You're PK all the way
From the first gun you get
To your last fightin' day
HENTA: When you're PK
you don't mix with the crowd
Don't need nobody else
with more PKs around
PKs: You're always alone
Don't ever get connected
You frell who you want
Committments aren't expected
And love's rejected
Work with your outfit
Your brothers in arms
So you live or you die
Count your lifespan in arns
When you're PK you stay PK!
CHIANA (spoken): I know sebacean bodies like I know me. I guarantee
I can show you a good time
PK1: Beat it, you Nebari tralk.
D'ARGO: What did you call her?
RELJIK: You heard him, Luxan.
JOOL: This is supposed to be neutral territory!
RELJIK: (Innocently) I'm gonna make nice! Is the Luxan up for
a challenge?
CRICHTON: Stay cool, D'Argo!
HENTA: We're supposed to be all sweet and nice.
PKs (singing):
Oh PKs Don't Fall for tha-at mushy romance
But we look sweet dressed in our leather pants
And when you folks see us in our jet black suits
You're gonna flip gonna flop in your lame ass boots
RELJIK (Spoken):Hey. We ain't got orders to socialize with you
dren. We walk tall!
PK1: We always walk tall!
PK2: We're PKs!
PK1: The greatest!
RELJIK and HENTA(singing):
When you're PK
Tell the freaks take a dive
They'll contaminate you
And you'll be fried alive
When you're PK
You look good dressed in black
Got your chow and your sleep
Got the clothes on your back
PKs are in charge
Diplomacy's for chickens
We're raising the bar
Our policies are stickin
You'll take a lickin
ALL PKs converge on AERYN
ALL PKs: Here come PKs
We are team conscious men
You don't follow our rules
You're just alien dren
Here come PKs
Little girl step aside
You're a traitor to us
Better run, better hide!
We're drawin' the line
So keep your new friends hidden
You're no friend of mine
And from where we are sittin'
You're life's forbidden!
Here come PKs
Yeah! and we're gonna beat
Every alien race
In the C and UT
In the whole
Mother Frellin
Galaxy!
**MUSIC ENDS**
THE PKs Chase the CREW offstage left, whooping and hollering.
AERYN comes back on stage left, holding a pregnancy strip.
AERYN (examining strip): Well, I'm finally alone, so I better
look at this strip. Okay...that's a pink...no, a blue... "plus" sign.
Holy Frelling Dren! I'm pregnant!!!! I have to tell John! Oh,
wait. No...I can't be sure...It must be his. No, I'll tell him. He
will want to know. This changes everything. I'll tell him
tonight.
CRICHTON comes stage right, sees AERYN and stops.
CRICHTON (Aside): Oh Aeryn. We never get a chance. It's always
somebody's torturing us, or someone needs saving, or one of us is
dead. She has been so distant. The last time I died really shook
her. And yet. That's it. I will tell her tonight how I feel. If
she rejects me, it won't matter. We'll probably die again tonight.
At least this time when we die, we'll die together...
AERYN (to audience): I'm having a baby. Someone who will be
truly mine.
**MUSIC STARTS "TONIGHT"**
AERYN (singing, intro): Only you you're the only thing I have,
forever And I promise my child that I'll always mother you And I will
love you ever And I hope that your dad was John Crichton Oh I'm sure
that your dad is Crichton
CRICHTON: Aeryn Aeryn
Always you
Every episode I die
You must say good-bye to me
AERYN: All the world is only you and me
AERYN: Tonight, Tonight, won't be just any night.
Tonight I will lay open my heart.
Tonight, Tonight, I'll tell my love tonight.
If I don't, it will tear us apart
Today the microts seem like arns,
The arns go so slowly,
When will my soul feel light?
I'll end this fright
And make these endless wrongs,
Turn to right,
Tonight, Tonight.
CRICHTON: Tonight Tonight
We'll die again tonight
Love's blood and guts all over the place
Tonight Tonight
At least we'll get it right
Intertwined we will float into space
Today my plan is going nowhere
So let's go out together
Into eternity
But you will see
In afterlife we'll be
You and me Tonight
**MUSICAL INTERLUDE**
BOTH (spoken) :I'll tell him/her
I'm not afraid
I love you
JOHN: Why is the universe conspiring against us?
AERYN: My baby will change my entire life. I will finally put my
upbringing behind me.
JOHN: There's gotta be some point when we can only start winning.
AERYN: Oh...and breast feeding. I wonder if that will work out...
JOHN: When we can finally have the life we deserve.
AERYN: I wonder if I can register at Bloomingdales...
BOTH (singing): Tonight, Tonight
Live well and
(CRICHTON)when you die / (AERYN)while you live
Think of me
Tonight
**END MUSIC**
AERYN exits stage left
The PKs run on stage right towards CRICHTON, chasing him, but stop
abruptly as CRICHTON holds up his hands.
CRICHTON: No! Wait! Wait! Look, I don't know why you are all so
upset. I told Scorpius I would help him make this weapon so you can
win your war against the Scarrens. Now, he promised me and my crew
wouldn't get hurt. So just lay off, okay?
HENTA: You sayin' you don't know why we are chasing you?
CRICHTON: Well, I just figured you were part of the universal
"Everybody wants to kill Crichton" movement.
RELJIK: Word is you're the goof that contaminated Officer Sun.
(He spits on the floor)
CRICHTON: No, that was a misunderstanding and...
HENTA: And we've heard rumors that you have been playing some
exclusive back seat bingo.
CRICHTON: No, we just hang out....
RELJIK: Man, you are cruisin' for a bruisin' We want to make sure
you ain't gonna be jumpin' on any of the other PK women...or
men...while you're here....
CRICHTON: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Look, Aeryn is just a crew mate, okay?
And I haven't recreated in a while with anyone but myself.
PKs: Ewwwww...
CRICHTON: Look, there's only one girl who I'm tight with these days...
To Part 2
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