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Experts Guide Publications - Shelving
Be masterful and decide on where the shelf should go. As usual, admit defeat and agree to put it where she wants it.
Spend a thoroughly delightful 2 hours in Fads/B&Q looking at all the wonderfully pretty different types of shelving unit available. Just agree to whatever she likes - the match starts at 3.00pm for god sake.
After carefully assembling the shelf, using the excellent “white glue in a condom” adhesive supplied, wipe the excess glue off your face, wife, jeans, t-shirt, pants and the cat.
Hold the finished article up to the wall. Wait patiently while she looks thoughtful. Move it slightly left/right/up/down for at least 2 hours, prior to her agreeing that the position you first put on up at was the best anyway.
Next day, look in the toolkit to see what you have. Decide that it’s time to visit B&Q. On your own this time.
Return sheepishly having spent £137.84 on a new cordless hammer drill with interchangeable power pack (because you really need that, don’t you?), a packet of 1000 Rawlplugs (the price per plug is so much better than buying in a pack of 100), a complete set of masonry and wood drill bits, safety goggles (like the ones in the shed that you bought 3 months ago), a can of WD-40 (just to get a new plastic straw), motor oil (it is only £3.99 at a DIY store don’t you know?), a bargain screwdriver set and 10 paintbrushes for £2.99 that shed their hairs upon dipping in a paint pot.
Using the newly acquired spirit-level (the old one was a bit rusty…), hold up to shelf to the wall, and, using expert judgement, mark the holes on the wall by pushing a skewer from the cutlery drawer through the hole in the shelf. This DIY stuff is a piece of piss. I might become a builder or something. How hard can it be?
Assemble and charge up your new drill. Insert the correct drill bit (it looks about right). Start drilling.
Absolutely nowhere in the instructions did it say that the drill may skid across the wall. Bugger.
Insert a carefully selected Rawlplug into the abyss that you have created. Plug it with extra matches, some card, and a bit of a fag packet. Looks fine.
Select a screw that fits perfectly.
Find another screw that the cheapo screwdriver you simply HAD TO BUY will fit.
Hold up the shelf, start screwing (with the screwdriver that is)
Funny, the screw keeps turning. Never mind, must be achieving an excellent purchase on the Rawlplug behind.
After 5 minutes, quietly agree to yourself that all is not well. The best course of action of course is to remove everything, fill the gargantuas hole with plaster, wait 48 hours and go again. No chance - what a waste of time.
Using the newly purchased hammer (99p!), hit the screws very hard. Pull them out again. Add some polyfilla. Reinsert everything. Hit again with hammer. Turn a couple of times with the screwdriver.
Stand back and admire your work. That was easy, what is all the fuss about? Only a complete cretin can go wrong. Ha Ha they must be thick.
Agree that an angle of 23 degrees was not actually intended, but it adds character to the room. Goes very nicely in fact with the bookshelf you “assembled” last summer.
Prohibit anything being placed on the shelf (it was supposed to only be decorative anyway).
Finally, smile nicely and chuckle politely whilst she flirts with Dave “I can do anything - properly”, who arrives from next door, laughs arrogantly at your efforts, and promptly fixes the whole shebang in 11 minutes.
Sit down, watch the match and sod the lot of ‘em
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