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THE TURKEY CARCASS & DRIVER'S ED
From Sullivan's Short Stories
...........................................................................Two articles by Laura Santeler.....................................
The Turkey Carcass
I knew this would happen, I warned them both. When my mother moved close to my sister, I knew it would turn out badly. I got an urgent voice message from my sister and she essentially said this:
"Hi I just wanted to let you know, we had a really nice dinner at moms, she made turkey. She sent me home with leftovers of course, but she also sent me home with the turkey carcass. Apparently her garbage came today, and she did not want to leave the carcass in her garbage for a week, so she sent it home with me to throw away. I want to know from your readers if this is a normal mom thing to do.?"
At first I told her, I could not ask you all because mom reads my stuff, then I decided to ask my mom if it was okay. My mom said that was fine as long as I posted her side of the story. She said to be sure to tell you all that my sister left her newspapers there for my mother to dispose of. I was kind of thinking she was going to lose the carcass argument, as newspapers and dead animals are two different things.
But then she also stated that it was 98 degrees and she kept her garbage in the garage and my sisters garbage pick up was today. My sister said my mother was worried about maggots, but my mother seemed more concerned with the smell. Although, she did tell my sister her garbage had maggots once some thirty something years ago. I guess she never got over it. But my sister said the carcass made her car smell the whole way home, and that she had to put it in the back seat with the kids, because there was no room in the car, or was it the front seat? Anyway, my sister also said my mom sent her home with frozen bagels that she didn't like.
My mom does not like to throw things away. My sister didn't admit it, but I bet she threw them away along with the turkey carcass. Right away after hearing this story, I realized how different my sister and I are.
I would have taken the carcass, and I would not have thought twice about throwing it out on the road, or in someone else's garbage. Simple solution. As far as the frozen bagels go, they would have been thrown in my freezer and sat there for a few years. Then I would end up giving them to Jennie for her refrigerator at school.
If I have to take sides, I guess I side with my mom, for being the better problem solver. My sister is to much of a good girl, she would not even think of dumping the carcass on the road, and would feel bad smelling up someone else's garbage. I am the rebel in the family, so that makes perfect sense to me.
My mother was also upset to learn about my LSD use. I have told her this before, but she keeps blocking it out. I said," who cares, it's not like your grandchildren are all deformed." She said, well imagine how they could have turned out, had you not done drugs." I told her, if my kids were any better, they would be freaks of nature and I wouldn't like them.
Then we decided, my kids were actually a good argument for doing drugs. So she switched gears and is now worried that I will have some horrible flash back, and jump off a building or something. If you ask me, she should have thought of that when she decided book censoring was unacceptable at our house, and she let me read Go Ask Alice.
Of course when my kids make bad choices, I blame my estranged husband. It must be all the pot he smoked in high school, and the fact that his mother threw away her own turkey carcasses.
End
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Driver's Ed
When I was looking for a job, drivers ed teacher didn't even make the list. I admit right here in public I am a horrible driver. I drive up curbs, I can't switch lanes, I can't parallel park, and I am the butt of women driving jokes. In fact, when I went to take the drivers test for the third time, I would not be surprised if my dad slipped the guy a 50, just to pass me. Now, I am expected to teach my kid to drive!
Seriously, who ever thought a teenager and her parent would make a good teacher/student relationship? Especially in an automobile. You might as well have asked me to teach my kid how to fly a plane.
But I did what any good mom would do. I took her out. I rationalized how hard could it be? I taught her to walk, read and ride a bike, I guessed I could teach her how to drive.
I couldn't be more wrong.
First, the pretend brake on the passenger side does not stop the car. Not only that, screaming and putting the pretend brake on scares the student driver. Also, being the passenger when your child is driving the death machine car makes 25 mph seem like 100. All of a sudden what is real, isn't. When I screamed to slow down, the car would come to a dead stop. "Why are you stopping in the middle of the street?" I yelled. I was told that when you slow down from 10 mph, the car stops. I could have sworn she was going at least 50.
Mail boxes seem dangerously close to the passenger door as they whiz by. Children, playing in the street a mile away, seem as if they are right in front of your car. Turns were too wide and cars coming from the other direction seemed as if they were coming right at us.
She kept telling me I was making her nervous, I wasn't a good teacher, I needed to calm down, and she wanted her dad to teach her. I practically had to bite my tongue off to keep from yelling "I'm not an effing Drivers Ed teacher. This is it, never again, you can take public transportation from now on!"
But I didn't, I kept taking her out, and I kept gasping and putting on my pretend brake. I learned to ignore the mail boxes and other drivers that were too close for comfort.
We even went on the highway a couple times. Granted, I was almost on the floor, for most of it, but we both lived.
When she finally got her license I followed her to her friend's house while she was in the car ahead of me alone. She did fine.
I gave myself a pat on the back and vowed to never teach another child to drive again. I never did. I still find it hard to be a passenger, with my kids as the driver. Although, they both drive better than I do.
It just seems unnatural to give up that much control to my babies. Even though they are not babies and have been driving for years.
Short Bio
Laura is a mom of two kids 17 and 19, separated from her husband, and works in a residential treatment center for boys. Her interests are reading, eating, laughing, movies, friends, and sleeping. She has a very popular blog on xanga.
Laura's Website
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