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ITSALOTTA CHICKEN
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Peering around the edge of wall which opened out into the room, I couldn't believe my eyes. The animal I found was just as we had imagined, but how it had made its way into our home was anybodies guess. Annoyed with me, this zoo keepers runaway let out another loud roar and took a swipe with an enormous front paw through the empty air before him, as if to warn me not to come any closer. It was all I could do to collect my wits enough just to pick up a broken, studded collar that lay on the floor at my feet and make my way back down the hall to my shaken, small family. "Here," I said, revealing the collar to Natalie. "I found t-t-this on the f-f-floor. It's a b-b-big c-c-cat alright. Just l-like we thought."
"Well, what in the world?" asked Mary. "How do you suppose it got in?"
"I don't know," replied Natalie, staring down at the small collar which was made to appear even smaller as she held it in her huge hand. "But I do know one thing. This was Ben's collar. What if that thing ate Ben?"
"You mean Ben, our house cat?" I answered. "Oh God, poor Ben. I hope it didn't hurt."
"Dad," interjected Ellie. "What color was the thing in the living room?"
"I don't know... orange, I guess. Why?"
"Did you give Ben any chicken?" she continued.
"Uh... yeah, I guess. Just a little, at lunch time. I always thought he liked it, an I always had leftovers. Hey, you don't think..."
"That's exactly what I think dad. Proportionately, Ben grew the same way we did. That's Ben out there!" And as Ellie finished speaking, Natalie ran out into the living room to meet her dear, old friend, cute little Ben - who was now the size of a large mountain lion. "Ben!" she yelled, and unable to contain herself, she walked toward the sleek, musclebound killer with arms outstretched and a tear in her great, big eye. "Oh Ben, what did he do to you?" she asked of the creature, as if she expected him to answer. But sure enough, her perception of what had been her loving pet began to pay off, as the beast stood up on all fours, walked calmly to her and began to rub his body against her legs - as he'd done in affection so many times in the past - the only difference now was of course, his immense size and strength. "What now dad?" questioned Natalie, in a more contemplative mood. "You didn't just wreck us did you... you had to wreck him too. Now look at him. We can't let him outside, that's for sure. He'll scare the neighbors and all the other pets. The cops will be here knocking on our door if anyone gets a look at him. Now what?"
"I don't know," I answered. "I just don't know what to do. Maybe the hormones or whatever will wear off, who knows? Right now, all I know is one thing... I'm starved and there's nothing in the house."
"Great, now what?" rebuked my wife. "Tell me you don't have shopping on your mind. You know I can't trust you with the shopping. I should've known better then to let you loose in the store. I'll do the food shopping from now on. Fork over the debit card mister, an make it snappy."
"C'mon Mary. Have a heart. Everyone makes mistakes. I promise, I won't ever buy 'Itsalotta Chicken' ever again. I swear."
"Really?" asked Ellie.
"Can we really trust you?" asked Nat.
"You know it," I replied, only too willing to go along with the new rule, since I never dreamed my good intentions could go awry the way they had.
"Okay then Reid. I'll give you one more chance to make good. Who knows, maybe in time the results of your so called, 'low fat diet' will wear off and we'll shrink back to normal. In the meantime, don't dare buy any more cheap chicken."
"Don't you worry honey lamb," I said, with all the meaning I could possibly muster. "You can count on me." And with that, I grabbed my car keys in my huge, burly fist and headed for the store.
Later that evening, as the four of us sat around the dinner table - floor joists bending and creaking beneath the combined load of our weight as they never had before - I decided to pop the question, as I usually had in the past, and asked them all what they thought of my cooking. "Not bad dad," replied Natalie.
"Thank God it isn't chicken," muttered Ellie, as she dropped another forkful past her huge, gaping jaws.
"You can say that again," agreed Mary. "And you still got to do your Chinese Szechwan stir-fry didn'tcha?"
"Yep," I said in reply.
"It's beef, isn't it?" asked Ellie, inquisitive as always.
"Sure is," I answered, biting off another forkful. "Boy that's good stuff."
"Musta been expensive, huh dad?" she said, pursuing the question a bit further.
"Not really," I said proudly. "I'm a smart shopper. I know what I'm doing now, an I know where ta find the deals."
"The deals?" asked Mary, as she set her fork back into her dinner plate and stared in my direction. "What deals? Tell me Reid, where did you get this?"
"Why, the 'Price Gouger' dear, where I always go."
"And what brand is it?"
"Why... 'Itsalotta' of course. It happens to be 'Itsalotta Beef'. That's how I got such a great deal on it, why?"
"Oh nooo," said the three of them nearly simultaneously, and as they did, each one fell backwards in their chair, creating huge, individual depressions in the floor beneath them with well pronounced 'thuds' as they landed. But I, much hungrier then usual - probably due I thought to my increased size and bulk - loaded up my plate again and wondered what it was I could've said that may have caused such reaction. "Oh well," I said out loud. "Waste not, want not as they say, right Ben?" And as I looked in Ben's direction, he walked towards me and sat down on the floor next to me. Sitting straight up, I couldn't help but notice that his head now loomed far above the table even as he sat and was at a much more convenient, easier to reach height then before. So, taking advantage of this, I began dropping large chunks of beef into his open, waiting jaws as I calmly spoke. "Maybe this'll work out after all," I said to him, as I watched him barely chew what dropped behind his two inch, front fangs. "After all, I don't even have'ta bend at the waist to feed you now."
**The End**
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