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KEEPING SECRETS
by Terri L Rasmussen
"I knew you would come," Sasha Stewart said as she opened the door to finder Jeremy Binder, the only man she had ever loved, standing in front of her. She had seen him at the gas station as she had gone into pay for her gas and gotten a soda, earlier in the day. And when he had recognized her, she lied and said he was mistaken and ran out of the store as fast as she could.
His brown eyes, looked down into her shocked green eyes and he spoke, "Don't you think I deserve a hello? After all this time Sasha."
As soon as her name spilled from his lips, immediately Sasha was transported back to another time and place in their lives. Twelve years earlier to their relationship.
Sasha had only been twenty when she had met Jeremy at work. They became fast friends and clicked immediately until she found out he was married and had two children. Immediately she broke things off with Jeremy. He would not hear of it. He declared his love for her and he had to stay in his marriage for his children's sake. He just could not bring himself to leave them while they were so young. His children needed both father and mother. He had grown up without either and he would be damned if his children were going to grow up without him.
Sash's heart had been breaking and she wasn't able to stand the pain of losing him and not having him in her life. When he made the declarations of love to her, she had relented and had decided to keep seeing him secretly. Of course.
She had never thought of herself as beautiful. Out=r for that matter, even pretty. But, when she was with Jeremy, he made her feel as beautiful and sexy as any woman she had ever known. She was overweight. Not obese, just could stand to lose a few pounds. Enough to make her feel self-conscious about her body. The first time Jeremy had made love to her, her inhibitions slowly began to melt away. He had made her feel beautiful, sexy, loved, wanted and needed. It had been a new experience for her and she liked the attention he gave her. The feeling was something no man had ever made her feel before or since.
Sasha and Jeremy had spent many afternoons and nights together in hotel rooms. Making love like they couldn't get enough of one another and talking about any and everything that came to mind. Except their future. Deep down, Sasha didn't want to know what their future held for them. On the rare occasions, the subject came up, it was Jeremy who had brought it up. Sasha had tried her damndest not to get her hopes up until one day, they had been driving around and had gotten lost in a subdivision. Jeremy announced out loud, "this would make a nice house for us." Another time on another occasion he told her, "we'd make beautiful babies together."
How could she not get her hopes up? So she allowed herself to dream about the possibilities of living a life with her first real love.
Eventually, Jeremy had extra demands placed on him and spent less and less time with Sasha. Never explaining to her the reasons as to why. He still expected her to be ready for him when he called and wanted to come over. Sasha had become jealous and thought he was seeing someone else. He, of course, denied it. She just figured if he could lie to his wife, he could lie to me. He didn't help matters when he would go to another female employee's car before work and spend time talking to her. They began to fight constantly and make up. Each time, Jeremy promised, he wouldn't do that. Time after time, he went back to his old ways.
After a huge fight one night, when she had gone out with someone else, Jeremy had gotten jealous and angry. He threatened to leave her. Finally, Sasha had had enough.
"It's over, Jeremy." She yelled into the phone.
"Fine. That would be best." He angrily agreed with her.
Sasha hoped and prayed that this time would be like all the other times they fought and broke up and gotten back together. It wasn't. When they saw each other at work, they acted like neither existed. Hardly, ever glancing in the other's direction. He never spoke to her.
On the rare occasions, Sasha allowed herself to look into his deep brown eye, her heart would break. Jeremy would glance the other way. She spent her nights crying into her pillow. Her insides were torn apart.
When she missed her first period, Sasha contributed it to stress. After all, she was on the pill. The second month without a period, she became worried. Suspecting, the tiny pill had not done it's job.
After work one day, she raced to the drug store and bought a home pregnancy test. Anxiously, she raced home and followed the directions to the test. Immediately, following her peeing on the stick, the colors changed to pink. She was pregnant. With Jeremy's baby.
At first, Sasha contemplated telling Jeremy about the baby. Until one day she saw him in the park with his wife and two girls. They looked like the happy family. She couldn't bring herself to tell him about her baby. Their baby growing inside of her.
She called the clinic in the next state and made an appointment to have an abortion. It had been the hardest decision she ever had to make. She agonized over it for days before she reached the decision.
The day of the abortion, Sasha had asked her best friend, Abby to drive her to the clinic. Since she wouldn't be able to drive herself.
As the pulled up at the clinic, Sasha's stomach began to jump and the tears came down her face. She couldn't believe that she was actually here, sitting in front of an abortion clinic. Doubts flooded her mind.
"Abby, I can't do this. It's wrong." Sasha cried hysterically.
Abby looked at Sasha and asked, "What do you want to do?"
"Keep the baby." Sasha announced as she let out a deep breath.
Abby replied, "Okay then. What about Jeremy?"
"I'm not going to tell the son of a bitch. I'll move away from Eggleston and raise the baby on my own."
"Are you sure? That's a pretty big responsibility."
"Yes. I don't want Jeremy to know about the baby or why I moved. Can you do that for me Abby?" Sasha asked seriously as she looked into her best friend's eyes.
With reluctance, Abby agreed. "I have an aunt in Belcher's Creek that may help you. I'll call her and ask, if that's what you want."
"Yes. That would be great, Abby. Thank you. Are you positive that you want to help?" Sasha asked while trying not to cry again.
"Of course. I'm you're best friend. I know if I were in the same situation you would do the same for me."
"Thank you. Thank you. " Sasha cried as the two hugged.
The next week Sasha and Abby packed all her belongings and moved Sasha to a little cottage next to the ocean in Belcher's Creek.
Sasha's pregnancy progressed smoothly over the next few months and on April 15, 1993, Zoey came screaming into the world. Weighing six pounds and four ounces. She was a healthy and happy baby. Sasha supported them for the last twelve years on her own. With no help from anyone. To her knowledge, noone ever told Jeremy he had another daughter.
The sound of him saying her name snapped her back into the present. She knew that there was no way she could not let him find out her secret now. If he stayed for any length of time, he would know.
"Sasha," He said as he noticed the faraway look in her eyes.
"Sorry," She replied. "What do you want?" She asked as she held onto the door for support.
"Can I come in?" He asked with a twinkle in his eyes.
Sasha noticed that Jeremy was still quite handsome. Time had been very kind to him. She was able to tell through his clothes that his body was still hard and firm from all the years of weight training and running he did. And his eyes had the power to melt her. Oh God, she thought to herself. He had always made her feel as if he was looking into her soul.
Trying to avoid his gaze, she asked, "Why?"
Still standing out on the front porch, Jeremy answered. "It's been awhile.
I thought since we are still friends, I could come in and we could talk."
"I really have nothing to say to Jeremy."
"Why did you leave Eggleston?"
"None of your business." She spat out at him.
"I think when the woman I love leaves with no good bye or anything, it is my business."
Enraged by his declaration of love, Sasha slammed the door in his face.
Jeremy stopped the door with his hand and forced his way into the cottage.
Sasha turned from him and walked into the kitchen. "You really need to leave, Jeremy."
"No. We need to talk, Sasha." He said as he followed her.
"About what?"
"The reason you moved away without telling anyone." He said as he looked around at the cottage.
"My real friends know why and where I moved to." She snapped at him.
Her quip hit him in his core. He felt his chest tighten. "But not the man you love?" He shot back at her with anger in his voice.
Anger glazed over Sasha's face and she retorted, "you didn't deserve to know. Now leave."
He walked over to her and turned her around to face him and held onto her shoulders and replied forcefully, "no. Not until I find out why you left."
Stunned by his aggressiveness, she answered. "Change of scenery. That's all."
"Yeah, right. You're lying. You were always a bad liar." He said as he let his hands drop to his waist. He noted a child's test with a big red A written on the top, and a drawing by a child with a homemade refrigerator magnet on the refrigerator. He walked into the living room and saw the pictures of a little girl all through development. Zoey. "You have a kid?" The statement was meant to be more of a question than anything else.
"Huh?" Sasha asked as her heart began to thump in her ears.
Jeremy took a picture down off the shelf and looked at the smiling girl with the sparkling brown eyes. His brown eyes staring back at him. With a start, he realized that she was his daughter. "You had my baby. And didn't tell me. Didn't you? That's why you left." He asked looking as Sasha with a confused look on his face.
Sasha turned around and stared at him like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights. Her heart stuck in her throat as she managed to squeak out, "no." She felt nauseous.
"Yes you did! She has my eyes. Just as Lindsay and Cameron have my eyes. Admit it Sasha. She is my daughter." He yelled at her.
All Sasha could do was nod her head. Words were unable to form.
He asked curiously and with anger, "How old is she?"
"Twelve." Sasha answered in a whisper.
Jeremy was now seething with anger and he let it be known to Sasha. He raised his voice as he spoke to her. "Twelve? That's why you left. You have kept her from me for twelve years? Why damnit?"
Sasha flinched at his tone of voice.
"Answer me, damnit!" He yelled at her ferociously.
Sasha yelled back, "You were married and had a happy family. If I had told you I was pregnant, where would me and my child fit into your already hectic life? Nowhere. That's where. You barely had time for the two girls you already had. By not telling you, I saved you from more madness in your life."
He yelled back, "You don't know that!"
"Tell me something then. How would you have explained Zoey to your wife and kids?" Sasha's voice rose even higher.
Jeremy knew that if he had told his wife about the affair with Sasha and there was a baby on the way, she would have taken his oldest daughters away from him. And he could not have done that to them.
Jeremy had grown up in a divorced home and his mother had given him to his grandmother to raise. He knew and understood what growing up without either parent was like. It still did not erase the anger he felt toward Sasha for keeping his daughter away from him. Rage filled his entire being and for the first time in his life, he felt like raising a hand to a woman. He controlled the urge.
Infuriated, he continued to yell at Sasha, 'You know how I felt about kids being kept from their parents."
"Just calm down, Jeremy. You have no right to come into my home and speak to me like this." She said as she fought the tears that threatened the back of her eyes.
"The hell I don't. I have every right. You kept my kid from me on purpose, Sasha." He screamed at her.
"Yes. I did. I did so to spare you some pain." She tried to remain calm.
Confusedly, he looked at her, "what?"
"If I had told you I was pregnant and going to keep the baby, your wife would have left you. You probably would have never seen your other daughters. You would have been choosing one over the others." She told him.
"Maybe so. But, I had a right to know." He said trying to keep his voice in check.
"Maybe you did. I couldn't and wouldn't let you choose like that." She said as she sat down on her couch.
Jeremy looked at her and asked her, "Where is Zoey now?"
"At a friends house." Sasha answered.
Ever since this morning when she had seen Jeremy at the gas station, she knew that he would find her and come to her. She hadn't wanted Zoey to meet her father this way.
"Can I see her?" He asked as he looked into her green eyes. Despite the anger he felt towards Sasha, Jeremy felt his heart rate pick up and noticed she was still as beautiful as ever.
"She doesn't know about you. So I will have to explain everything to her." She said honestly.
"Didn't she ever ask about her father?" He asked as he sat down beside of Sasha.
"Of course, I always told her he couldn't be with us."
"I am so angry at you Sasha. You could have come to me and told me. We could have figured out what to do together."
She answered him sarcastically, "yeah. Right. And how would I have explained that her father had another family that meant more to him to be with on Christmas?"
"As it turned out, I wasn't anyway." He answered.
"True. But I did what I thought was best for my daughter."
"For our daughter.'" He corrected her.
"I'm sorry Jeremy."
"I can see that."
"Are there any other secrets I should know about?" He asked looking into her green eyes once again.
Sasha thought to herself, just one. Should I tell him that I still love him and I always will? The look in his eyes tears me apart and the sound of his voice when he says my name, sends shivers up my spine. Or do I just keep these secrets to myself?
THE END
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