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BARRACKS BANTER
WARNING: CONTAINS SOME PROFANITY
By Donald Sullivan
I sat in the PX snack bar sipping on a cup of coffee as I studied the soldiers around me. "What a bunch of bozos," I thought. "We're in trouble if we have to depend on these guys." I knew that today's troops were better trained and equipped than the soldiers of my time, but I sensed that something was missing; the camaraderie wasn't there, and camaraderie is the glue that holds troops together during combat.
I had retired from the army several years earlier and was visiting Fort Bragg on a nostalgia trip. As I looked at the soldiers around me, I couldn't help but compare them with the troops I knew.
My thoughts drifted back to the unit I served with while on Okinawa. I never served with a more close-knit group of soldiers. I'll never forget how we risked our necks to help one of our own. Camaraderie at its best.
****
Captain Tanaka had just transferred to the States two weeks earlier. His replacement, Captain Snod (the troops called him Captain Snot), was already gaining a reputation as a strict, highly unpopular commander.
"Guess what the sumbish is gonna do now," said Laskey, a former street gang member from Kansas City. "I heard he's gonna start havin' bed check at midnight. Says he's gonna stop his troops from shackin' all night."
"He's got a hang-up on power," said Mullineux, a skinny freckle-faced Cajun. "Thinks he's a little Napoleon, but he wouldn't make a pimple on Napoleon's ass."
"We had a damn good unit until he came," I said. "Look at all the honors we won--the best unit on Okinawa. The troops busted their ass for Tanaka, but with Snot they'll do just enough to keep out of trouble."
"I also heard he's gonna announce a new policy on marriages," said Mullineaux. "He told the company clerk he ain't gonna approve his troops marryin' these 'slant-eyed whores.'"
"Kelly, you were lucky," I said. "Tanaka approved of your marriage to Reiko before Snot got here."
"Damn right," said Kelly. "The paperwork is going through channels. We should be married before December."
At that moment, the company clerk entered the Quonset hut. "Kelly, the C.O. wants to see you. On the double."
We were all sitting around the barracks waiting for chow call when Kelly came back from Snod's office. As soon as I saw his face, I knew something had gone wrong.
"Hey, Kelly, what happened. It can't be that bad."
"The bastard's gonna send me back stateside early. Ordered me to be ready by the end of October. He's gonna make sure I'm gone when the final approval of the marriage comes back.
"The end of October? That's less than two months away. You still got five months left on your tour. Can he do that?"
By now, everybody in the Quonset hut was gathered around Kelly.
"The sumbish can't do that," said Laskey. "Who the hell does he think he is?"
"I'm afraid he can," said Kelly. "He'll justify it by saying that it's 'for the good of the service,' the catchall for everything. Besides, he's got friends in the right place to swing it. The bastard's got me by the balls."
"I ain't gonna say what he is," said Mullineaux, "I don't like to use bad words. But he don't know who his daddy is, he has sex with his momma, and she scratches fleas and howls at the moon."
"Maybe the approval will come back early," I said. "If it's back before November, Snot can't do a damn thing."
"Right, Wilson," said Laskey, "and if frogs had wings they wouldn't bump their ass. Did you ever hear of anything going through army channels to come back early?"
That night Kelly went out on pass to break the news to Reiko. She would be heartbroken. I never saw a girl more in love; she had been on cloud nine since Captain Tanaka had approved the marriage request.
It was Monday, and most of the guys were either broke or just didn't feel like going out. Some were reading; some were playing cards.
"I hope Kelly don't do nothin' drastic," said Mullineaux. "There was a guy in the marines who was denied permission to marry. He walked into his C.O.'s office and shot him through the heart."
"I don't think Kelly will do nothin' like that," said Garcia, an ex-cab driver from Brooklyn, "he's a pretty smart kid."
"I hope you're right," said Laskey. "He'd be smart to get out and come back over as a civilian. He wouldn't have to go through all this bureaucratic bullshit to get married."
"Could be done," I agreed, "but you're talking about a big expense."
"I been thinkin' of a way to outwit Snot," said Mullineaux. "I got a plan, but it could get us all in trouble unless we stick together."
We listened to his plan, and all agreed it was a good one. And indeed, it could get us in trouble.
The days went by, and finally it was only a few days before Kelly was due to leave. It was time to carry out our plan.
We made it known that four of us--Kelly's closest buddies--were taking him to the Blue Moon, a popular club in Naha, for a farewell party.
That night we went to the club, but didn't stay there too long. We made plenty of noise, though, to make sure that the waiters and bar girls would remember us.
After leaving the club, we went to a spot where Reiko was waiting. She would take Kelly to the home of a trusted relative to hide out for a few days. We advised her not to visit him, but to remain home. We knew the MPs would come looking for him.
After Kelly and Reiko left, we started a big ruckus outside the Blue Moon. When a couple of bar girls came out of the club to see what was going on, I ran up to them.
"Call the MPs," I yelled. "A gang of Red Hoods attacked us. They kidnapped Kelly."
The Red Hoods were a gang of thugs that operated around the Naha area. It was said they were commie sympathizers.
The MPs showed up soon afterward and took statements. They promised to make an all out search for Kelly. After questioning, we returned to camp.
The next day, we reported to Captain Snod. It was obvious he didn't believe our story, but there wasn't much he could do about it.
The next day, a new man moved into our Quonset hut. He told us he would be on temporary duty with our unit for a few days. We suspected the man was a plant. Snod had probably arranged for a CID agent to see what he could pick up in the barracks. We decided to have some fun with him.
That evening the new man, Cox, lay on his bunk reading. We had cooked up some real juicy stuff for him to report to the captain.
"Laskey, you're a pretty good shit house psychiatrist," I said. "Tell us why Captain Snot is so dead set against his troops making it with Okinawa girls."
"If you ask me," Laskey replied, "he's one of them weird types. Probably gets his jollies from smellin' farts."
"Yeah," said Garcia, "bet he'd rather hear a fat boy fart than a pretty girl sing."
All the guys were laughing except Cox, who didn't look up from his book. But I noticed that his face reddened.
"Hey guys," I said, "you're both wrong. I know his real hang-up."
"We're all ears," said Mullineaux. "Tell us."
"One night when I was on guard duty," I said, "Snot was in his office working late. When I passed by his office, I peeked through a crack in the blinds. There was Snot, his eyes glazed over, holding up a picture and masturbating to beat hell."
"A picture of a naked broad?" Garcia asked.
"Nope. it was a picture of a duck."
The barracks roared. Even Cox laughed, but his face reddened and he went back to his reading.
"Weird," said Mullineaux. "Wonder how the bozo ever made captain."
"The sumbish is a brown-noser" said Laskey. "Keeps his nose up the colonel's ass. The colonel's gotta be careful turnin' corners or he'll break Snot's nose."
"He'd never make it with his own smarts," said Garcia. "He couldn't find his ass if you drew him a map."
And so it went for the next few days. If Cox was a plant, he left without learning anything but a few wisecracks.
The day after Cox left, we learned that the papers approving Kelly's marriage were in the orderly room. We sent word to Reiko the same day. That night Kelly flagged down an MP Jeep in Naha.
He claimed he'd been kidnapped by the Red Hoods, but finally managed to escape. After debriefing he was returned to the unit.
****
As I sat in the snack bar nursing a second cup of coffee, I reflected on what had happened to my closest buddies who had shared that Quonset Hut many years ago.
Kelly won the Purple Heart and Bronze Star while serving in Vietnam. The last I heard he and Reiko were living happily in Seattle. Garcia retired as a warrant officer. Laskey, I heard, was kicked out of the army for punching out a second lieutenant. Mullineaux was killed in Vietnam while pulling a wounded buddy to safety.
Four soldiers came in and took the table next to mine. I listened to their light-hearted banter as they joked and laughed, and then their conversation turned serious as they discussed their experiences in Iraq.
I saw that I was wrong--the spirit of camaraderie was still there. I should've known that some things in the army never change. I left Fort Bragg in good spirits.
***THE END***
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