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OUR NEW DOG / THE FAST TRACK
******************There are two stories on this page***************
OUR NEW DOG
By Reid Laurence
Hi dad,
I'm writing you this e-mail just to let you know that we got a new dog recently. He's a tiny, miniature Pincher we rescued from the pound.
When I saw him sitting there in his cage, looking at me with those big brown eyes of his, he reminded me of someone of great wisdom. A thinker and a gentleman, so I named him Solomon - after the great King Solomon. It seemed to me that our new friend had everything that old king Sol had, except of course for any kind of wealth - unless the little guy was holding out on me.
When we brought him home though - much to our dismay - we found out how wrong I was about this first impression of mine, for several good reasons...
It didn't take us long to find out what a food-a-holic he is. But he's not just crazy about food, he also goes ga-ga for sweets. We found that out when Mary got the kids a bunch of pricey dark chocolate and we left the house to go on a hike. When we got back, all that was left of the kids candy was the tin foil wrappers it came in, but boy, did he have energy from all that sugar! We should've named him Sparky! He ran around the house like his pants were on fire - which reminds me of another true story about him...
As soon as we brought him home, he shivered from the cold and that was all my wife and lovely daughter Natalie needed to know. They went right to the store and bought him tiny sweatshirts. I swear, he's got more clothes than I do now. The thing is though, when he lifts his leg to pee, he goes all over it and needs to change his clothes, but no matter, like I say, he's got plenty. One sweatshirt even has a tiny hood, so on cold nights he can put his hood up. I wouldn't mind all this if he didn't repay us in empty candy wrappers and garbage, strewn all over the place whenever we leave the house! We have to Solomon-proof the place every time we go, otherwise, we'll be wishing we never left.
He's emptied every garbage can in his reach and dumped the contents everywhere and anywhere. His motivation to find food is unstoppable. You'd understand if you saw what I give him to eat. All sorts of good healthy stuff. Things that would make other dogs sit and drool. He's like some kind of wild Racoon or something. He doesn't look like he has worms either. In fact, he could stand to lose a few pounds.
I bet I know what you're thinking. You're thinking 'how in the world does one little dog get into so much trouble?' and my answer is, that the only thing that stops him is a closed door. He's up on every table! One time we left a bowl of popcorn on our dining room table and when we got back it'd vanished as if we'd never made it. He just bounces around the place like a ping-pong ball, getting into everything. If he wants to get up on a table, he just jumps up on a chair first. It's not just the disappearing food that bothers us though, we're worried he's gonna give himself diabetes. He doesn't have much body weight and one day we came home and counted eight empty chocolate wrappers. That can't be good.
I bet I know what else you're thinking now, 'if he's so much trouble, why would you keep him?' Well, the fact is, I have thought about giving him to some friends we have. They're very patient people and have a farm here in the Ozarks. I think he'd be very happy there, and we could visit him from time to time. I'd like to keep him, but he just continues to get into the most incredible mischief. You won't believe what he's doing as I'm sitting here typing this out. He's digging holes in the back yard. All I can see from the sliding door is about four or five huge black holes. With my eyes, I'm lucky to see that much. They just screw up at any kind of distance. Anyhow, Mary's going out there to yell at him. I can hear the screaming from my desk as I'm sitting here. I tell you, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes right now - which by the way, is the only article of clothing he doesn't have...shoes. That wife of mine can really yell. Hmm, sounds more like a party then the discipline he deserves. I'm gonna find out what's going on...
Hey dad! I'm back at my desk now. You won't believe what all the yelling was about. I guess old Solomon is worth his weight after all. You know those big holes he just dug? They're plum full a oil! Solomon struck oil! I guess that means we're gonna keep him. How can I get rid of someone so wealthy and wise? After all, he more than pays his way. I'm gonna go out an get him some a the dark chocolate he likes so much.
Talk to you later,
Reid
PS - I wonder if he has a preference for Dove chocolate, or should I get him Godiva?
*End*
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THE FAST TRACK
By Reid Laurence
After years of waiting on a long list of less fortunate applicants to the Harvard College of Medicine - where the cost of tuition alone overshadows many a yearly salary - I made the sound decision to move to Havana, Cuba, where the wait to get into medical school is nearly non-existent and the tuition itself is free!
Close to receiving the degree of Medical Doctor after one very difficult semester - which by the way is a normal time frame at the University of Havana - I decided to exercise this newly attained knowledge on the lucky people back home in the good old U. S. of A, but before I could, I had to pass one more very stringent exam to prove that my skills were up to par, and waited my turn to visit with the head doctor of the school.
Quietly, I sat in my mentor's office and nervously scanned through a copy of the latest American Medical Journal as I waited. Finally, the door which led to the outer hallway opened and in walked the most respected surgeon in Cuba... the illustrious Doctor San Diego.
His bleached, white smock mysteriously awash in blood, I had to believe that he'd only moments before performed some major surgery and found myself formulating a question in my mind, one that appeared all to tempting to ask, and one that could wait no longer... "Doctor Diego," I began. "Everyone at the college knows your knowledge and skills are beyond compare, but my curiosity has peaked I must confess... have you performed a heart transplant just now, or another surgery of the like? I wish you had told me sooner, I would have cherished the chance to assist you."
"No, Senor Laurence," he remarked boldly as he strode to the sink to wash his hands. "Only one of the students here has sprained an ankle. Now then, tell me. Are you ready for your final exam? We have much to do."
"Oh yes Doctor, I am. You have no idea how long I've waited for this."
"Very well," he replied. "Follow me then to your destiny - however good or bad it may be - it's all up to you now."
"I won't let you down Doctor Diego," I said, as we left his office and walked down the long corridor. "It is my dream come true to make you and the entire staff here proud to have allowed me the honor of attending this fine institution."
"Well put Senor Laurence," added the instructor and surgeon, while he opened the door to one of the many patient rooms at the hospital which were filled with the many sick and injured of Cuba. "Now then, lets take a look at this patients chart, shall we," he said, pointing to the first of three of the patients which occupied the small room. "Pick up his chart," he ordered, in a most commanding tone. "What does it say?"
"It says this woman has Tourette's syndrome and was found in the middle of a crowded restaurant shouting inappropriate words such as 'sheeny'; 'spic'; 'dago'; 'mick'; and the like. Local police then escorted her to the hospital here where she was recently admitted."
"And?..."
"And what?" I asked.
"Tell me what you would do for her. What medicines or procedures would you apply?"
"I would wait for a wonderful, sunny day," I began. "And I would drive her to a most beautiful promontory overlooking the ocean, tell her to look out at the waves as they come crashing to shore, and humanely push her off the cliff."
"Is that all?"
"No Doctor Diego. I would be thinking at all time that I must be quick and merciful, and to always uphold the moral code of ethics you and the other doctors here have taught me."
"Excellent," replied Senor Diego. "From this, I see you are able to think on your feet. A valuable commodity to any good doctor. Now then, let us go to the next patient. Pick up this man's chart," he continued, as we moved over to the next unfortunate case in the room. "Read it to me, what does he suffer from?"
"The chart says that he believes he is a chicken, and that there are no drugs known to man that will make him believe otherwise. Everything has been tried, and all attempts to bring him back to reality have failed."
"And so, Senor Laurence, tell me what you would do. How would you treat this illness?"
"Doctor Diego," I answered. "I would do nothing. Nothing at all."
"And why is that?"
"Because I could always use the eggs Senor, that is why."
"I see," replied my well known instructor. "That is both logical and benevolent. I am beginning to trust your diagnostic abilities all the more, even as the mounting pressure of this exam grows ever greater."
"Thank you Doctor San Diego. I find myself deeply in your debt, as without your lessons, I would have neither the knowledge or skills required to pass such sound judgement."
"Yes, I know. We have a fine school of medicine here, do we not?"
"Most assuredly, we do senor."
"Very well then," said my prominent mentor. "Follow me to the next patient." And without hesitation, I walked proudly to the next and last ailing person in the room, picked up the chart at the foot of her bed and began to read...
"It says that although this woman came to us for liposuction, the surgeon mistakenly gave her a hysterectomy. Now it seems she wants to sue the hospital and the doctor in charge."
"So tell me then, Senor Laurence. How would you treat the case? What is to be done now that we have made a mistake such as this?"
"I would destroy all evidence that this woman ever received treatment here and deny all charges completely and irrefutably."
"Excellent!" remarked my learned teacher. "You have not only passed your final exam, but you have scored a very high 'A+'. I cannot bestow any greater honor on you, but if I could, I would. Do you have any advice to offer other students that will one day soon be walking in your footsteps?"
"Only that I'm so glad," I said. "To have fulfilled my dream of becoming a doctor. It is so important to me to know that I did not take the easy way out and earn my M.D. over the internet or by correspondence school as others may have...Also, I would like to remind them that all the world should be thankful that institutions of higher learning still exist where degrees and ethics cannot be cheaply acquired but are hard won - or in other words - that anything worth having is worth working for. Lastly, don't settle for second best; in yourself; in your education; or in your career, or in the end, you may find yourself rich, famous and greatly loathed."
"Well put Doctor Laurence. I could not have said it better myself."
*End*
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