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PUBLIC RESTROOMS & SMELLY LOVERS
Two humorous commentaries by Laura Santeler
PUBLIC RESTROOMS
I hate public restrooms! I went in a public restroom today and the doors were broken in every frikin stall! I have short arms so this is really a trick. So, I am trying to hold the door shut, while not sitting on the seat, and then the automatic flusher goes off too early, freaking me out and making me lose my hold on the door!
Then I have to figure out how I can temporarily make my self double joined for the dreaded holding the door and wiping trick. After I have successfully done all this I go to the automatic sink. Normally I like these because after seeing a 20/20 about disgusting potty germs, the handles gross me out.
But today as I am holding my hands under the spigot and nothing is happening I am pissed! I try everything, palms up, palms down, I run them fast and then slow underneath, nothing not a drop. I try voice activating it.
"Turn on!" I yell. Nothing. I tried all three sinks, finally I get one that works. Next, I go to dry my hands. This is not automatic, this is a crank paper towel holder. Now I have a dilemma. I have to touch the crank.
Now common sense would tell me that if someone is getting a paper towel they washed their hands. But then it occurs to me, they may be getting a paper towel for another reason, maybe they have a stain on their shirt or something. I have a short sleeve shirt on so I can't use my sleeve. So, I have no choice, I have to use my bare hands. I crank a few times so that their is a long stream of paper towel. Now I have to go back to the sink that works which is still running water. It's been ten minutes, I don't know how long they think people need to wash their hands but I think this is a little excessive and frankly wasteful.
At this rate Lake Michigan is going to be drained within hours! As if the sink has read my mind, it turns off. Unfortunately, my hands are saturated with soap. So I hold my hands under the spigot and now the sink, that was spewing out water for ten minutes has decided to take a rest. Nothing. Now I am trying to convince myself the 20/20 episode was highly exaggerating the prominence of disgusting fecal bacteria in public bathrooms.
So I go dry the soap off with my paper towels making sure to save a little for the door handle. I am longing for the days when I was blissfully ignorant of public bathroom germs. The days when I probably ingested billions of bacteria and was completely unaware.
So, today I have made a decision, all my peeing will have to be done at home. This will put a crimp in my social life, but there is no other way. Damn 20/20! Too much information can be a bad thing.
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SMELLY LOVERS
You know how in movies and TV ( especially the soaps) people make out as soon as they wake up (with morning mouth yet)? I'm sure nobody in the real world does that, except possibly Matthew McConaughey and his girl friend. But back in the day when there was no toothpaste, good soaps and deodorants, or even toilet paper, people obviously didn't care.
I guess if you grow up with everyone smelling and rarely bathing you get used to it. And I guess hormones override all that, though I can't imagine.
When I watch a movie about way back in the days, for example biblical times, I am always struck at how clean everyone is. The hair is shiny and nice, good white teeth, etc... Yeah, I don't think so.
But I guess that's Hollywood. A Moses with oily hair and bad teeth just wouldn't be as watchable I guess.
My daughter Jennie, who is working in Africa, says her African people are clean. But really, how clean can they be with no long hot showers?
Obviously this does not stop them from having sex, nor did it stop the ancient people. But I seriously think it would stop me.
I would have probably been a celibate old maid. I am just way to smell sensitive.
I work as a teacher's aide at a drug rehab residential treatment center with teen boys.
Sometimes the boys at work have poor hygiene. That's why I have very strong concentrated air freshener in my desk.
I am thinking I should bring toothpaste and soap too.
Not that I am planning on having sex with the boys (ewwww). But the room smells sometimes and that's gross.
So here's my question. Have you ever been so in love or overcome with passion that you made out with someone when he had morning mouth, or have you had sex with someone who smelled?
You can be honest here. All answers will be kept in the strictest of confidence.
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