Driving in Miami
23 Basic Rules for Driving in Miami
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the
left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before
hitting the orange construction barrels.
2. Turn signals are clues as to your next move. Miami drivers never use
them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody
else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered
"going with the flow."
5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.
6. Never get in the way of a older car that needs extensive body work.
Florida is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have
anything to lose.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that
your ABS kicks in giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your
legs.
8. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you
pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.
9. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide
useful information. They are only there to make Miami look high-tech and
to distract you from seeing the FHP police car parked in the median.
10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
way to scare people entering the highway.
11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and
apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean that a Miami driver flashing his high beams
behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. 13. Please
remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour
traffic in Miami.
14. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire or getting a traffic ticket.
15. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps
the existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews
something to clean up.
16. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, (especially
pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or
Chevy logo.)
17. Learn to swerve abruptly. Miami is the home of high-speed slalom
driving thanks to the old retirees driving 40 mph in the 70 mph highway
zones. This tests drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes.
18. It is traditional in Miami to honk your horn at cars that don't move
the instant the light changes.
19. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
20. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left
before proceeding.
21. Heavy rains or hurricanes are no reasons to change any of the
previously listed rules. These weather conditions are Gods way ensuring
a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards, and new vehicle
sales.
22. Remember that the goal of every Miami driver is to get there first
(and fast), by whatever means necessary.
23. Real Miami women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup
at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Real Miami
men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five miles per
hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic while talking on their cell phone.
(My own)
24. Don't turn left on left green arrow; wait until it turns yellow. You
got the right to be the only car per light.
25. You didn't pay big bucks for your car for nothing. You got priority
over any stupid traffic law that limits your well earned freedom to
drive.
26. Who's right on the road depends on a very basic rule: Size
matters...
