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Delicate's Ezzsential Reflections Page
Cut color and stone
Oh, how we impose, what we think is supposed, to be
Going off the past, feeding wounds & wraths into their depths ,redundantly
Everybody does it-broken records-studderly clutzing over the clutter of emotions
But the only clarity comes from not doing anything about it
But by being left scarcely and then broken
Otherwise hazily “coastin” into the fog of one’s own issues, soakin’
Into the soft tissues of a suffocating prophecy
Without breaking the latch off of mediocrity
To find a route where decibels deem hypocrisy-to be-insignificant
Manipulation and facades are evident
& truth reins because reality is transparent
Running thru the veins of apparent, next leaders
Sewing seeds relatively deeper than having “two-seaters”
More important than what price we pump at gas meters
With positive intentions focused on tomorrow without the plasma
Undermining the gain of technology with the realization we're still controlled by natural disasters
What’s a discovery if it’s not utilitarian benefit, or knowledge kept sacred
Another box, or superficial disquise that we confine ourselves with
Another personal gain, money-making opportunity and plunge into a world of selfishness…
Get it?
Selfishness:
Selfishness was the demise….
Of individuals, of places, of whole nations
Self seeking offerings (ya know, I can only give something if I’m getting something out of it)
self fulfilling prophecies ( I strive for perfection to “build myself up” intellectually, spiritually, physically, materialistically so I can protect myself, rather than establishing knowledge/wisdom/ awareness to “share with others”)
because I’m in competition to constantly assert my ego and I strive for perfection
me me me me me me me
even biblically the demise of the world was to “love yourself”
Did u know that? That distortion of self love was “self seeking/fulfilling” “selfish” love???
Get it?
Everything God Given has become distorted
& you must “DIG DEEP” to find truth
But from another perspective …TRUTH is-what is
By adding complexities to truth we distort it!
We can get lost in too much intellect.
We can get lost in too much love.
We can get lost in too many materials.
We can get lost in ourselves.
The key to life may be moderation (balance)
But do you know one can get addicted to moderation?
Because moderation requires that we constantly change, so that requires that we become inconsistent to “maintain”??
What the fuck!
Do you get it?
Even when I compromise myself and do not fully portray myself due to fear
I am constantly reminded of the pain that has been inflicted by “hiding myself”
& then compensate for it.
So then is the *key* to surround yourself where you can be free?
But where is that location?
But why am I protecting me?
Again!
Because I’m fucking selfish!
So then I’ll never think about myself again and I’ll ROT
So I’ll never meet MY needs and I’ll fucking ROT
What is the *pay off* for living life entirely unselfishly?
I guess I should attempt to never get anything for myself
EVER!
& I'll just keel over and die
giving...
"FREEDOM"
(2005)
I shall manipulate to get my way because behind any form of manipulation is a distorted way of thinking to get people to do work for you rather than doing it yourself or to gain control
that's my sentiment for today
and here's my poem:
She sits, not molded
fighting
she stands proud
fighting not to contort to thrive in an unjust society
she reads for knowledge, for peace
fighting thru the struggle of adversity
when does it end?
It ends the day she bends and becomes something she isn't
It ends the day she settles for less
It ends on instant gratifications & quick made decisions
It ends thinking short-term
It ends on status seeking and facades
Freedom can be stolen in so many ways
The constricting box is placed thru circumstances, religion, where you live, love, and even the mind
Mind control
thru the set up that we have made ourselves
the music that bellows
the bodies we overexpose
the once sacred protected things that we market
the once sacred things that we use to gain profits
the corruption of simplicity
the deviation from the soul...
take it back
back to the original meanings to find truth in all things
and be truly free
not psuedo-free
we're so limited
we're limited to only make sound that we can spell
ughisfsigosnhgsihgnlkhsvnslbvsbdflkauerlkiuoiupophdaeweaslkdh!
even if i shreek, i have become limited
even if i seek...
I am limited
so how does one become truly free?
I guess it's only the free that is the best of my ability?
******
"I did it again"
Engaged my soul into what i thought could be (you and me forever)
the fear of opening up slowly drifted away and i became so so so so so so so ....comfortable (I felt woman-child)
But the truth is- is I feel I belong nowhere (haven't been able to relax inside for a long time)
always fighting (changing from my current state so noone can pinpoint me)
...on some identity crisis shit
some, one foot in, one foot out shit
running and im so tired
tired of the bullshit
i thought i could just collapse in your arms
when
You hovered over me and held tha back of my neck
i slept in peace
But the world corrupted that
because I think I wasn't supposed to try anymore but rather let someone try for me,for once
and just as i was becoming submissive...
things changed...
and you became something you weren't and it scared me...
and I then reacted and scared you...
and now you're gone...
and the waves of lonliness again gush thru my circulation
tingling throughout this shell im trapped in
i did it again
Entered into this perpetual circle that has destroyed me
In fact, I don't think there is anything that hasn't been taken from me
my Christianity keeps me trapped in morals
but anger causes me to break
and fear of going thru the same thing causes me to internalize
Not strong enough anymore to not be torched my opposition, cirumstances, logic and emotions
But I know I must follow my heart
and stick to my dreams
"things fall apart"
but I know I can eventually repair
but I lack foundation
but I lack determination
I am weak
and noone believes me
cuz shit isn't all extravagent and shiny
so I can't demonstrate the example
I can't say the hard way has even payed off
Cause everything I tried to do or become got sabotaged
from emotions to finances to what made me strong
what i was built on
(sigh)
it wasnt my purpose...
can I go on???
not even knowing the full definition?
and feeling so uncertain??
with noone to lean on?
again your promises withered
& I just wanted to love you...
I guess it just takes two really strong people
I guess it just takes a strong agreement
almost there
(FIIIVVVVEE STEPS to eternity, four steps-4 steps past love and 3 wishes- touching the heavens above)
but maybe it was just another counterfeit, mockery, duplication
stuck in facade
attemping to fill a void
creating co-dependency
and nothing that is significantly beneficial
maybe subconbsciously I felt it was detrimental
or maybe you did?
maybe we just werent ready yet
maybe I've always moved too fast
maybe I'm trapped
in some way of thinking that destroys me but I just can't see
maybe it was your fault entirely but instead I think that something is wrong with me????
there ARE so many complications that come with the simplicity of love
I dont know who's fault it is
but am i worth it to you??????
fuck this, I don't feel like dealing with this shit
better off being alone
just have to keep going....
oh my...
sometimes I think I'm gonna die....
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