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FROM DAWN'S DESK
Hey Ya'll
Come on in and visit for a while. I hope you enjoy my poems and stuff and that I bring a smile to your face as you read my version of life.
BIO:
My name is Dawn Mautemps Farrell. My family and I live in a small, quiet town in Des Allemands, Louisiana which is about 30 miles up-river from New Orleans. We enjoy the cajun/creole cultural influences, a rich abundance of seafood from the Gulf of Mexico, the love of God, family & good friends.
I have two awesome sons Mac, Jr. & Andrew and a spunky little girl, Corin.
I started writing as outlet for my excess energy, to convey my emotions into the written word to share with others and to save what little sanity I have left.
Uncertain
I am at a crossroad
uncertain what to do
Where to turn or look?
Should I stay or go?
It could all be up to you
Am I worth it?
Are you?
Do you really care if I stay or go?
You knew this would happen
I warned you before
where were you when I needed you?
Move this one
move that one
Everyone upset
lives disrupted
nothing solved I feel under attack
Whispers when I turn
back stabbing going on
No one brave enough to speak to me
being set out all alone
Is it worth it?
Should I stay?
Stressed out
extremly confused
uncertain of my future
left fending for myself
no back up
alone to handle the reaccuring crisis
tears on a daily basis
Is progress being made?
What is going on?
You say its being handled
can I place my trust in you?
You've let me down before
why should I rely on you?
Should I stay or go?
I am uncertain as what to do.
2003
Southern Summer Evenings
A butterfly flutters gracefully along
mosquito hawks cut and slice through the air.
Birds singing sweet little songs
A child cries with glee at finding a four-leaf clover.
Squeals of delight as a toddler runs through a sprinkler.
The crack of a bat from a baseball game
The scent of flowers in bloom
The roar of a lawn mower
the rich sweet smell of freshly cut grass
Hot sticky air that does not move
sweat that drips from your face
Mom's home-made ice cold lemonaide
aromas of dad's BBQ flowing through the neighborhood
Older folks chatting on porch swings
twilight descending from the heavens
To me that's a sweltering southern summer evening!
Our Sixteenth Anniversary
Sixteen years ago on Valentine's Day,
we promised to have and hold, love and share
we've been through lean and surplus times
the very good and the terribly bad
we've had three kids and for that we're glad
we're strong as ever and happy as can be
we wanted to share our joy and happiness with thee!
Feb. 2003
FRIENDS
friends sit on our beds and cry with us
support us when we try and fail
bring strength and humor into our lives
giggle about the silly things we do
hug us in our joys
support us and lift us up and
are a special gift from above
I might not show it
I might not talk about it
but I think you know it
you have a special place in my heart
you are my dearest friend!
My Sweet Ole Poppy
When I was little I would sit on your lap
pull at your pocket digging in looking for treaures
I would jump on your legs smile sweetly at you
the way innocent children do
As I grew and changed you never did
You always dressed the same always looked the same
always smiled the same always smelled the same
I married and had kids of my own
saw you here and there
you never seemed to age never seemed to grow old
never seemed to change
One day I looked real hard
the change in you was amazing to me.
I never saw it before I never even knew
Old age had snuck up on you!
Your hair is white and thinner too
Your skin is wrinkled and thin
you are getiing weaker shoulders hunched
can hardly get out of the chair
Your walk is slow and unsteady you shake and quiver
I call it the Poppy Shuffle so I can stand close in case you fall
I tease you and make you laugh when
I ask you if you want to go out dancing!
Your eyes aren't as bright anymore
slowly the spark is going out
Your hearing is going I must repeat everything a little louder
My heart is breaking in two
I will always remember you
your sweet ways and loving smile.
I will miss you my Poppy when the Lord calls you home to stay
You always tell me to come back and visit
you always smile upon my return!
I always ask if you want to go have a few beers and go dancing
your face lights up and a large grin appears
Oh, I don't like beer you softly whisper but the dancing will be great fun!Oh, how I'll miss you my Poppy, when the Lord calls you home to stay!
Growing up!
You were born just yesterday
curly top, eyes wide with wonder
smiles so sweet my heart would swell
The joy you've brought into my heart is enormous!
On wobbly legs you walked alone so unsure and unsteady but filled with determination
Laughing so gleeful on your success, my heart soared with pride, you took it all in stride
The sound of your tiny voice would reach my ears
clapping hands and squeals of delight would sound like fine music that fills grand halls
My joyous laughter would match yours!
Now, you're a big kid off in a rush
Tears well up in my eyes as you scurry off
yelling to the other kids "Hey, wait up"
My heart fills with sadness and joy at the thought of you growing up!
Tropical Storm Cindy 2005
It was suppose to be a mild storm with a good breeze. It rained lightly all day yesterday (tues) and it was really pleasant. I escaped outside and hid from the kids & Mac to get some much needed quiet time from the kids constant bickering. We have expanded our family with one of Scooter's friends James, he will leave on July 11, 2005 for the Air Force. I was out in the rain de-weeding the flower bed, of course the neighbors now KNOW I dont have any sense to go inside when it rains! I have always loved to play in the rain and when the kids were little I would let them play in the rain and act like I was scolding them so that I could join them and play with them. The breeze was refreshing and the exercise much needed. Later on in the evening, Andrew, Corin and I were on the carport enjoying the cooler air and lower humidity. Andrew was popping leftover fireworks, Corin was complaining about the noise it made and I was trying to rock the cat to sleep Yes rock the cat to sleep! no one ever said we were normal...
It stopped raining about 9 or 10 pm so, I sent Scooter and James to the store, as I needed a diet coke and a bag of plain lay's potato chips. They had to use Mac's truck, because the suburban was in the shop--AGAIN. This time it was the fuel pump, last time it was the fuel relay switch. It started storming, the rain & wind was fierce and I just sent my 2 oldest babies out in that horrible storm to get a bag of chips. I guess I wont get the mother of the year award, will I? It seemed as though they were taking forever and I was really worried by now as 45 minutes has past. I called them on the cell phone. Of course, neither one picks it up and it goes to voice mail, where are you?? How am I going to explain to daddy that I sent 2 of our kids out in a tropical storm to get me a diet coke?? ahhhhhh, where are they? I will never forgive myself if anything happens to either one of them. Finally, Scooter calls and explains that they had to go the long way because a fallen tree was blocking the short way and it was raining really hard and he had to go very slow because he couldn't see the road. They did arrive home safely about 15 minutes later, boy was I relieved!!
It rained very hard until about 2 am. When it finally tapered off to a slow drizzle. Then the lights went out! New drama! We had to search for the flashlights, candles & matches --the whole time Corin is chanting. "I dont like this, I dont like this at all", James is telling everyone not to bump into him, because it will be like hitting a brick wall, Andrew is looking for a good place to hide to scare Corin. Scooter is the only one actually helping me. Corin finally gets a flashlight and is feeling some what relaxed. The water was up to the mailbox AGAIN-- the street looked like a river AGAIN and I'm outside fussing the kids to get out of the water. I am trying to scare the he otut of them telling them about the snakes, alligators and other various creatures that could be in the toxic rancid water. Wrong move mom, of course the boys now have flash lights and are looking for the reptiles that I fear most and Corin is sticking to me like glue and the dogs won't go potty because it is raining very lightly, I'm a nervous wreck and its not getting any better. About 3 am or so and I was just tuckered out so I ordered all kids to bed...
Now we have daddy, mommy, Corin and Belle (the dog) in bed and no air-conditioning...this is not a good thing...The dog wants to be under the covers as does Corin and I'm sweating, possibly a hot-flash--that's all I need now, so we can't sleep and Mac banishes all 3 of us from HIS bedroom (how rude) so we go sleep in the living room....ahhhh the pleasures of motherhood...LOL we finally get some much needed rest.....I got up at 6am and all the water had drained from our street and sent Mac to work and went back to bed.... the phone constantly rang, as neighbors, friends and family are calling to check on us. Its great to be loved! NOT! The lights finally came on around 6 pm or so. Corin had to know what the catagory of the storm was and kept asking me until I could get her the information she needed, her reasoning was that "she didnt like it" Yeah mommy wasnt too happy about it either sweetie....NOW, as this is the beginning of Hurricane season, we need to reflect on getting our house and supplies in order. We get to look forward to Hurricane Dennis coming for a visit. I think if he goes else where, I won't be offended!
I think I will add Tylenol, Diet coke along with XANAX to "THE HURRICANE KIT BOX" for future purposes...along with the beer and rum already there....
Carpel Tunnel Surgery
I'm ok with this, really I am! I have had a lot of time to think about it. The pain between the index & middle finger is driving me nuts. I have a constant aching dull pain with the occasional sharp shooting sensations from my fingers to my elbow accompanied by muscle spasms and I keep dropping things. The Doc shot me up with cortizone back in July or August of 2005 between my index and middle finger which was suppose to give some relief and it didn't. Luckily, the nerve test came back and there was no damage YET. I have it in both hands and being right handed I have more pain in that hand, because I use it more. After the right hand is done, and healed up all nice and proper I will get the left one fixed too...
After the surgery, I am going to make Mac pamper me, he is going to be my love slave and treat me like the queen that I am, by washing my delicate body & hair with soaps made with the most delicious fragrances of the finest quality. He will let me relax and soak in the jacuzzi tub as classical music fills the air, snacking on a tasty meal of cheese and crackers made with tender loving care while I enjoy my pain medication high as he masters the children and household chores with the speed and grace of several house husbands
ok now back to the real world-----
he'll scrub me down with some vile crappy soap/shampoo or some type of cleaner he uses in the garage to clean the grease stains off the floor and hold my head under scalding hot water to wash the "icky girl smell" off while I ingest most of the tub water, while yelling at me to hold still or he is going to get the incision wet and then I'm going to be in real trouble 'cause he ain't taking me back to the hospital to get it checked out. This is done as he threatens to hide my pain meds, not feed me and not help me put my undies on. He then will yell at the kids from the opposite side of the house "to stop yelling at each other and make your ma some crap to eat, so she'll stop bitching about how she has a broken puddy-paw and can't do anything for herself, and find those damn pain pills so I can shove them down her throat and knock her ass out so I can get some piece and quiet for myself and go to bed cause I gotta go to work in the morning to support all the free loaders living in his house...."
Yep it's gonna be a great adventure!
Regrets
My heart knows the regrets I have
what could have been...
what should have been...
my soul aches for what I can not have
Where would I be? What would I be doing?
would I be the same person? Would I be happy?
fulfilled or empty? strong or weak? satisfied or miserable?
How would I feel at this stage of my life if chose another path?
If I had what my heart desired would I have regrets too?
If I had what makes me weak would I be strong?
If I had want I always wanted would I be happy?
Never have any regrets cuz I have more than a few.
Too Little Too Late
All of a sudden you tell me you love me
want to hug me and kiss me
be near me and share things
Why all of this now?
Where were you when I needed you?
When I begged you to care?
You turned a deaf ear to my pleas ignored my pain
laughed at me when I cried you made me feel ashamed
There was a time I would have done anything in my power
to hear a kind word from your lips or feel your touch
but you only showed me indifference and ignored my pleas
made me feel unloved, undesirable and unworthy of you
and you wonder why I evade all your physical attempts
My heart has hardened beyond belief
I am angry all the time and you wonder why
even though I have explained it a million times before
you dismiss my complaints as me being a woman
I do not laugh anymore or even feel joy
I refuse to allow myself to be hurt by you anymore
I am tired of crying myself to sleep
being ignored and ridiculed
Things get better for very short time
then we are back where we were a million times before
I cannot take the broken promises and pleas of just one more time
I cannot do this anymore I really cant
I was lost for so very long and turned it inward on myself
I am finally starting to feel the sun's warm light on my face
and it feels refreshing and relaxing
I am now mentally and physically stronger than before
I have come to realize that I cant live like this anymore
I have to do what is right for me
I need to do it alone to find out who I am
I know it will not be easy and I am scared of course
I deserve to be happy, to feel joy in my heart
I need to laugh again, to find peace within myself
I need to feel secure in my world and with who I am
I dont know if I will ever find what I am searching for
but being locked inside myself all the years past just isnt the way
I need to be free to save my sanity
April 2007
Send E-Mail to: dawnmfarrell@yahoo.com
Copyright © 2008 Dawn Mautemps Farrell. All Rights Reserved