Patience My Ass, I Wanna Kill Somebody!
Act 12, scene 42
The scene opens with Stu, in a deserted park, secluded by all. He is writing a letter, when all of the sudden a massive flock of 572 pigeons come to greet him.
Massive Flock of Pigeons: (while snapping their fingers) There is a man, a certain man, and for the poll you may be sure that he’ll do all he can. Who is this one? Who’s favorite son, despite his action has the traction magnets on the run. Who likes to smoke, enjoys a joke, and wouldn’t get a bit upset if he were really broke. With wealth and fame, he’s still the same, I’ll bet you five your not alive if you don’t know his name.
Stu stands up from his park bench and knows exactly what to do. He heads down to the convenient store.
Act 1, scene 290
So Stu walks down the street and all the sudden these sweet ninjas jump out of the bushes with the biggest bowl of rice EVER. They dump it on his head its wicked sweet so Stu is like wicked scared cuz these ninjas are FIERCE and they start licking the rice off him and turn into puppies and then this huge babe come over and she’s like SABRINAAAAAAAAAAA and there’s an earth quake because all the puppies run to her and they start liking her and throwing up rice. So she pours gobs of general Mau gau chow chicken sauce on them and runs into a massive 24-wheeler school bus with no kids only Chinese senior citizens. So Stu follows her on to the bus when he gets there she’s gone and there’s only random Chinese senior citizens.
Stu: “Mai Thai match doing POOTY wing woooong?”
So the bus takes them to this wellness center and all the senior citizens got off and morph into one massive chameleon in heat and it gets on the nautilus circuit center and is pumping iron until this other massive FEMALE chameleon wearing a boa and they pork.
Massive Chameleon 2: RAR! RARARARRAR!
Massive Chameleon 1: YES NAUGHTY WORDS! THIS IS WHAT I WANT POETRY YES!
Massive Chameleon 6: DOES THIS INSPIRE YOU????
Massive Chameleon 2: YOU’VE GOT HUGE TALENT!
So the second massive chameleon puts on this massive Chinese mask and grows tadpole arms and does a ceremonial Egyptian dance for massive chameleon number 6’s pleasure
STAFF of wellness center: He loves her, but she loves him, and he loves somebody else, you just can’t win
SO the next thing you know the staff turns back into the massive flock of pigeons and tells them the only way to lick ketchup off a rusty kitchen sink without getting any on your tongue while sliding down a mountain on a cafeteria tray.
Massive Flock of Pigeons: (in the tune of winter wonderland) In the office there’s a man named Melvin, he pretends that I am Murphy brown. He’ll say are you ready we’ll say WAOH man! Let’s wait until the wife is out of town! Later on if you wanna, we can dress like Madonna. Put on some Ishay, and join the parade, walking round in women’s underwear…
And all of the sudden the pigeons turn into a box of pepperoni pizza and start breathing really heavy. Stu is distracted by the tiny little camels with no humps running around in silk red teddies waning the words “ DESPITE THE COAST OF LIVING IT IS STILL QUITE POPULAR! WAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN NNWAEEEEEEEEEEEN!
SO then the pizza is steaming like mad and Dick offers Jane a piece of it.
Jane: As long as you don’t give spot a bite!
So they both dive head first into boiling pots of red computer parts, and immediately turn into massive bald eagles.
Dick: Patience, my ass, I wanna kill somebody.
The next thing you know there’s all these entire ghetto fabulous Mexicans doing Sisqo impressions while hoola hoping and downloading the Mexican Thong Song.
Ghetto Fab Mex 21: She eats chicken by the truck, truck, truck; hams like what, what, what, baby tuck your butt, butt, butt
Ghetto Fab Mex 4: I hate it when you gut goes blada, blada; I hate it when you fat goes bleda, bleda, I think you need to do some sit ups.
Ghetto Fab Mex 4.692: Did you see that maing?
Ghetto Fab Mex 4.693: Look at that fat ass go BLATBLATBLATBLATBLAT!
Act 4.694, Scene 11
Yatta: Where’s Stu?
Act 7, Scene 572
The next thing you see is a close up of this sweet dying seal colony. The mayor, Duke, makes a speech.
Mayor: Yeah baby, I mean I hear what you’re saying, I mean, you got carried away in the moment, and I could forgive you, I could do that. I could do anything if I wanted to. I could buy you a Lexus truck with a white leather interior, I could I could kill off some bears and dogs and shit, just to make you a fur coat. I could love you and treat you with class, and have babies falling all out your ass, but thinking about that I feel like I could kill you.
Eb: I got you in my car, you ain’t going nowhere, bitch, you’re dead
So this one seal is like flipping out, and he’s all calling Stu on his cell and shit and being all like
This One Seal: What’s wrong??
Stu: (superman voice) Something serious
So Stu is trying to get down there and shit when this girl points at Stu and is all
This Girl: COPTER 4! COPTER 4 shot down channel 7’s pussy news van! Copter 4 went down in the Ohio River and mysteriously was the first one on the scene. COPTER 4-
And then that massive flock of pigeons are like
Pigeon 6: this is WILD
Pigeon 0: WILD!
Pigeons 54, 92, & 20-8: WI-
Pigeons in general: WILD!
Pigeon 9: This is a COMPLETELY NORMAL girl and she’s..
(Did the font just get bigger?)
Pigeon 9 ½:..GONE WILD
BAM BOOM CRASH THUNDER BING!
Townsperson: OH MY GOD THAT 24-WHEELER BUST OF CHINESE SENIOR CITIZENS JUST HIT A GIRAFFE!
This Girl: COPTER 4 is on the scene
And Stu walks into a bar and says I need a beer and the bartender goes Why the long face?
The End
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