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BULI Laffs
If fat jokes could be defined as "belly laffs",
what would you call bad unscrupulous landlord imposter jokes?
Give up? You already saw the answer before you read the riddle! (See the title of this page above.)
Prelude to Riddle #2
A Bad Unscrupulous Landlord Imposter (BULI, pronounced "bully") is a sham who only pretends to be in the business of renting to tenants like real landlords are. Actually he/she is really in the business of being a crook and illegally wolfing down the financial resources both of tenants and other owners alike. (Please click on the link below for a complete description.)
What would you call a Bad Unscrupulous Landlord Imposter in his everyday
guise as a real landlord?
(Hint #1: Think "wolf in sheep's clothing.")
(Hint #2: Ever hear of "Sam the Sham"?)
POEM PREFACE
Despite the title, this tale is neither about "your jack", nor about "the beanstalk". It is rather about the ogre that ties the two together. It is a somewhat lighthearted view of a serious problem, namely the standard operating procedures of the predatory landlord, also known as a Bad Unscrupulous Landlord Imposter (BULI). While the poem is meant to be humorous, it pretty accurately describes both the problem and the similarity of traits that these perpetrators share. It seems sort of amazing just how well it fits totally different people engaged in this same activity. It is essentially a profile of the predator in general. Maybe you will recognize some of your own experiences if you have been cursed with encountering one or more of them.
Keep in mind that the implication is not to be derogatory to real landlords in any way. It just refers specifically to that thief and abuser pretending to be one so he can victimize unsuspecting tenants. No blast of landlords is intended as they are actually tenants' allies as well as being integral to the rental industry. Most of them are legitimate and honest business persons who make a vital contribution to society. It is only a small but increasing minority, the BULIs that give them a bad name.
The story told here is an ongoing occurrence which is spreading like a plague as the predators become more and more prevalent in our society. Though the final verse suggests a temporary personal fix, it does not attempt to address a complete solution. There is a small group of former and current victims in Los Angeles who are working towards that end. There has also been much else written about this ever growing problem, some of which can be made available to interested parties.
The power-monger BULI sees himself and wants others to see him as a GIANT among men. After all, who but a famous biblical character would dare to challenge such a formidable foe? Many tenants also tend to accommodate him by looking at him that way. The poem wastes no time in exposing his true nature. Rather than sustaining life by sucking the red coursing through his victims' veins, he goes after the green coursing through their bank accounts, like a "green vampire".
Feel free to contact us by voice mail or email with comments, criticisms, suggestions, music, recording contracts, donations or whatever. We are always open to any kind of help we can get in our battle against the BULIs of this world.
Here's a TIP: To maximize your enjoyment of the poem, try reading it aloud slowly, as if you were doing it for an audience. Make the most of all 660 syllables!
YOUR JACK, AND THE BEANSTALK
1 The ground is shaking when the giant comes,
Climbing on down with his "Fee-fi-fo-fum's".
2 His ego wants you up at him to look,
But he's no more than just a common crook.
3 Unjust evictions are crimes he'll foster;
Bad Unscrupulous Landlord Imposter,
4 BULI for short and that's just how he acts:
Steals your money 'cause a conscience he lacks.
5 The day he came into your life it rained.
He believes "Nothing stolen, nothing gained."
6 He won't "Give and take" nor "Live and let live."
His favorite motto is "Take and let give!"
7 His kind's lawbreakers and credit denters,
Using apartments to target renters.
8 Imposing on you with intent to rob,
He thinks stealing from tenants is his job.
9 Landlord predators mess with renters' lives
For hundreds, fifties, twenties, tens and fives.
10 Though his pile reaches from ceiling to floor,
He'll never pass up a chance to grab more.
11 Having more money than he'll ever need's
Not nearly enough to fulfill his greeds.
12 Since he won't hesitate to lie or cheat,
When you pay make sure you get a receipt.
13 For a dollar he’ll take your parking space,
Then lease it back out with another place.
14 Backdated papers to the day before
Don't give him the right to barge through your door.
15 He mistreats renters whose homes he poaches
Laden with mold, ants, rodents and roaches
16 And he’d probably pull out all his hair
Before he ever would make a repair!
17 His buildings are never quite up to code
To encourage you to change your abode.
18 Gives a short term lease; at time to renew,
He illegally extorts more from you.
19 Following the law's not what he's about.
If you won't pay up, he'll just kick you out,
20 Or coerce you to move to circumvent
The city's program to control your rent.
21 Even when you're gone, there seems no escape
From a captive tenant's financial rape.
22 You've cleared out & left, but you're still not through,
'Cause he embezzled your deposit, too!
23 So you file a suit and to court you go.
His big defense is "Hey, I didn't know!
24 "It's got to be somebody else's fault.
Their money's accidentally in my vault."
25 Damage penalties ought to slow him down,
But you won’t get that from courts in this town,
26 'Cause he pulls wool over the judges' eyes,
And they fall for it. - There's a real surprise.
27 With no cost to him despite proof in court,
He just breaks even. Why would he abort?
28 Though he pays you back, he still gets off free,
Then plans out who his next victim will be.
29 Now you think he's taken it on the chin,
But you had to earn it all back again!
30 As he continues abusing tenants,
He seems to think he'll get off with penance
31 No predator living a life of sin
Can buy his way through the door to Heaven.
32 That doesn't mean he won't give it a try,
But he can't afford things money won't buy.
33 When he takes your jack, don't just wail and squawk.
Grab an axe and hack down his damned beanstalk!!