R.A.D and the Birth Parent
Just to put a face to a name please meet my family and me:
Me, Stephanie-Jayne (11) and Tannis who has R.A.D(12)
Welcome To Reality
Welcome to the first issue of my newsletter for birth parents of children with R.A.D.
My name is Rachel and I have two children aged 11 and 12, the 12 year old suffers from R.A.D and I am their birth parent, I am a single mum and have been screaming at people for years to diagnose my son, which they eventaually did a year ago. I have attended the Laura Mitchell Family Centre since then on a regular basis but have come to the conclusion that it is about time birth parents of children with R.A.D should have a voice.
After long sessions at my local family centre regarding my son, it came to my attention that there was NOTHING for birth parents of children with this diagnosis, any help available was for adoptive parents, which I found very distressing. Did this meen I had to give my son up for adoption for him to receive the best care? I don’t think so! So I have decided to put my best foot forward and start getting a few groups and things together.
I will be asking for help from anyone who wishes to give it, including stories, good or bad, poems or tips for other parents. I am also trying to find out how to start up a group, a help line and a coffee morning for birth parents and eventually I shall be posting things on the Internet for those who have access and would love any comments or suggestions. All going well, I shall send out a newsletter to all those that are interested every 3 months which will include dates of meetings, ideas, and interviews along with a suggestions column and places to visit.
I hope you enjoy my first addition and look forward to sending you the next installment in 3 months time. Should you wish to recieve any new news or information, or would just like a chat please feel free to mail me.
THANK YOU
What Is R.A.D?
The exposure to stress with some children has been so significant that they stand outside of any category of severity. These children give trauma a new definition. Most are or have been in foster care, have had repeated life or death experiences, have had several changes in caregivers, all have suffered from some form of emotional, sexual, or physical abuse, and generally they have never been successfully treated. The most popular term for these children is Attachment Disorder, however, most have received every diagnosis available for severe emotional and behavioral disturbances ranging from attention-deficit hyperactivity to bi-polar and depression. Children with reactive attachment disorder see the world differently than we do. For these children, life is a constant threat. Such threats can be interpreted through all manner of sensory stimulation. In other words, a sight, sound, smell, taste, or elevation in body temperature can trigger such children into an overwhelming fear state. Because they were unable to develop the necessary ability to calm this fear early in life, they may become violently reactive in this state.
It is of little consequence that a new home may provide love, security, and nurturance when such children become frightened. This frightening event is often times not observed by the parent because the brains of such children are hypersensitive and highly reactive. It can and generally does occur within a millisecond and may build up throughout the course of a day, week, or month, presenting as a violent and long-lasting outburst, or period of complete disconnection and dissociation. Even children who have been adopted into a home at a very young age may have already experienced significant enough trauma to impact development and stress response. Biological children who suffer a separation from their primary caregiver due to illness, etc. can be equally impacted if the event is traumatic or overly stressful.
Signs and Symptoms of R.A.D
The following should not be used as a diagnosis but as a tool. If your child has half or more of these symptoms and they have a history of any of the potential causes as seen on the next page, you should seek out a qualified Attachment Disorder Specialist for Evaluation.
• Lack of ability to give and receive affection
• Chronic, nonsensical lying – lying about the obvious
• Lack of eye contact
• Lack of cause and effect thinking
• Poor peer relationships
• Self-injurious behavior
• Food issues – hordes, gorges, refuses to eat, eats strange things, hides food
• Vandalism and destructiveness
• Cruelty to animals and/or children
• Indiscriminate affection towards strangers
• Superficially engaging & charming
• Theft
• Fire setting
• Learning disorders
• Toileting issues
• Poor impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
Potential Causes Of Reactive Attachment Disorder
• Neglect
• Abuse
• Separation from the primary caregiver
• Changes in the primary caregiver
• Frequent moves and/or placements
• Traumatic experiences
• Maternal depression
• Maternal addiction – drugs or alcohol
• Undiagnosed, painful illness such as colic, ear infections, etc.
• Lack of attunement between mother and child
• Young or inexperienced mother with poor parenting skills
Some Basic Strategies Follow:
1. The number one rule of therapeutic parenting is Take good care of you!
2. Be proactive rather than reactive.
3. Avoid triangulation. Do not allow your child to play one parent against the other.
4. Create an emotionally as well as physically safe environment: Avoid sarcasm and anger.
5. Use natural consequences to teach life lessons.
6. Use empathy in the face of these consequences.
7. Communicate in a loving manner; set a positive tone.
8. Use thinking rather than fighting words.
9. Save the pizzazz for the positive behavior, use neutrality with the negative.
10. Allow your child to express his/her feelings verbally.
11. Minimize use of the television.
12. Only give choices you can live with.
13. Be consistent.
14. Avoid power struggles.
15. Determine whose problem it is and if it is not yours, stay out of it.
16. Assess what the child can handle and only allow freedoms and responsibilities that will result in opportunities for success.
17. Keep a sense of humor.
You Are NOT Alone
Why me springs to mind! No one wants to face that question!
R.A.D is usually bought on by something that has happened in the child’s past so they need to be in control of everything. Their trust has gone and they refuse to let you know how they are truly feeling.
I am sure many birth parents of children with R.A.D think they are alone, I know I did, until I discovered the figures, did you know there are children in Calderdale alone that have been diagnosed with R.A.D of which only are still with their birth parent/s. And there are more that haven’t even been diagnosed yet.
Unfortunately because R.A.D is still a relatively new diagnosis most children are branded as a bully or a “naughty “ child, the hidden depths of the inner child have not been discovered and so they become labeled. I was almost relieved when my son was diagnosed, and although I knew I was partially to blame for the way he was, I started to discover ways of dealing with him and ways to start living again!
Unfortunately as I have mentioned previously most children with R.A.D are in care so the majority of the information available is for foster or adoptive parents, this includes any meetings available, so what happens to us, the birth parents that choose to deal with the situation or are allowed to keep their children? It appears we are left on the sidelines, with no one to talk to, no information resources, and no ideal help. People take their hats of to the families that CHOOSE to take on a child with R.A.D, they get a pat on the back and are offered an endless amount of support, and networks of people they can contact and groups they can attend. Whereas birth parents receive none of this. As if it wasn’t bad enough knowing that we are partially to blame, we are offered no help to get us through the bad times, no one we can call in the middle of the night, no one to tell how we are REALLY feeling, no one who can take over even if just for half an hour. But isn’t that just as bad as letting the child down? If the parents were supported more, the stress levels would be lower, if there was a light at the end of the tunnel wouldn’t we be able to cope better? As birth parents we are in need of as much support as adoptive / foster parents if not more as we also have the guilt factor of knowing why this has happened.
We are not alone, there are many of us, all you need to do is reach out someone will be there for you.
So I ask would you be willing to be a sounding off person? Would you like to meet other birth parents of children with R.A.D? Would you like to attend a group or a coffee morning where your children can come to without having a finger pointed at them? Make new friends with people who know exactly what your going through and exchange tips on how to encourage each other? I would like to hear from anyone in and around Halifax that feels they would benefit from this or even if you just need to scream at someone!
Do You Need To Talk?
Do you find it hard going to a friend’s house or visiting a relative because you are worried about your child will behave? Do people look at you in disgust when you’re walking down the street with your child from hell? Have you stopped going to the cinema because of the incessant talking, which just doesn’t stop! Do you panic every time the phone rings, “What have they done now?” Any parent with a child who has R.A.D will recognize some of these and more but we all know that our friends don’t understand and our families don’t know how to support us. My mum once said to me, “I can’t have T, because he is such hard work”, Why is she telling me that? I have him every day all year; I know how hard he is! Babysitters come and go – I call it the Bart Simpson syndrome! Everyone knows his name and my door has a message above it that says Abandon hope all ye who enter here.
I enjoy my sessions at the Family center but they don’t live with this 24 hours a day seven days a week and I can’t be going there for the rest of my life. But who else do I talk to? I gave up friends years ago, it was just easier than trying to explain why my son was trying to find out if a hammer would hurt their child and if it did why did it make them cry?! There is nothing in books on how to deal with him, nothing on the Internet unless you’re American, and no parent groups that I can attend. And yet, its not just me, there are thousands of parents out there ripping their hair out, reaching for a sedative or wondering if it would be best just to walk away.
No one likes to talk to people in “authority” because we don’t want to be seen as BAD parents, and we don’t think they would understand, so we choose to stand silently, only letting people know what we want them to know and nothing more. But this eats away at us; there can be good weeks when you think Yes, it’s all over, to be followed by the worst week yet. Many a time have I attended a meeting at the family center to tell them that everything is fantastic, I think we’ve got a break through just to go home to a sobbing daughter and a son standing there laughing his head of cos he’s done it!
Everyone needs someone to talk to, and it helps if that someone knows exactly what you are going through, not every child with R.A.D is the same, but they all look like the exorcist when they have one of their “turns”!
Somewhere To Go For Summer?
Here are a few suggestions of places that you can take your child/ren in Yorkshire where they can get rid of some of their energy and you can just have a fun day!!
FORBIDEN CORNER:
Coverdale
Middleham
01969 640638
Family ticket £19 but MUST be pre booked or you won’t get in!
A fantastic day where you can just take your time going around. It is a huge maze, where you have to find clues and objects crawl through holes and touch objects to get to the end, you are able to stop for a picnic in the grounds and it is all enclosed for safety, I would recommend this place to any parent especially those with children with R.A.D
SWIMMING
Halifax Pool
14:15 – 15:30 fun swim
Adult: £2.30 Child: £1.35
01422 366624
PONTINS
08705 331199
Budget accommodation for a week in August is £350
However if you are a single parent and join HELP you can get discounts. You can also pay weekly by pay point
WHITE SCAR CAVES
Ingleton
01524 241244
Family ticket is usually around £8 and takes about an hour to an hour and a half for a guided tour of the caves
INGLETON WATERFALLS WALK
Ingleton
015242 41930
Free apart from the parking and you can stop half way round for a picnic, useful if you want your kids to run free and paddle in the water!
This walk from start to finish is approx 4.5 miles long
BOLTON ABBEY
Skipton
01756 718009
An historic estate with medieval buildings, free and again good for picnics or swimming in the river, we took a Frisbee and football and spent the whole day there, some people take bar b ques with them
STEAM RAILWAY
Bolton Abbey Station
Skipton
01756 710614
Great for kids to enjoy the steam railway and take a ride on, we took some food and drink on with us and the kids didn’t stop wowing and aghhing!! Some holidays Thomas the Tank engine visits and you can go on to have a look at the instruments
HOLLINGWORTH LAKE
Lake Bank
Littleborough
01706 370499
Free, unless you want to hire a boat which is around £2.50 for an hour or you can just stroll
Publications, Resources and help lines
Success In Parenting
Foster W. Cline, & Benjamin W. Brucker.
When Love is Not Enough
Nancy Thomas
Holding Time
Martha G Welch
Children Who Shock and Surprise
Elizabeth Randolph
Laura Mitchell family Center
Great Albion Street
Halifax
01422 363541
HELP
Holiday Endeavour for Lone Parents
52 Chequer Avenue
Hyde park
Doncaster
South Yorkshire
DN4 5AS
01302 365139
I shall be writing an article in my next newsletter regarding this organization, but it is certainly worth joining if you are a single parent or if you only have your children intermitantly, they can offer discounts at many holiday resorts and have a few available caravans or holidays in Spain look out for my report in the November issue
STEP TOGETHER
01422 254088
This is a course set by Calderdale council for step parents wanting to improve their relationship with their children, and it helps to understand the pressures and stress in step-families
Well, that is the end of the newsletter for now; I hope you found some of the information useful. Please feel free to contact me should you have any suggestions, stories, jokes etc next issue should be in November
RAD for adopive parents
Send E-Mail to: rachel@ottery.org.uk
Copyright © 2001 Rachel Ottery. All Rights Reserved