The 101 Things that we Know and Love Television For

1) COMMERCIAL BREAKS - Those thirty second slots that keep the Independent Television Commission regulated television companies alive. The first ever commercial seen on ITV station Associated Rediffusion was for Gibb's SR Toothpaste seen on Thursday, September 22nd 1955 at 8.12 p.m., while the first colour television commercial to be screened was for Bird's Eye Garden Peas seen in the ATV Midlands region on Saturday, November 15th 1969. PG Tips have had the longest ever run of television commercials over the years including the 1970's and 1980's commercial that involved Mr Shifter the piano mover.

2) ITV FRANCHISES - Those ITV companies that grew and grew throughout the late 1950's and early 1960's. Now different companies own them: Carlton, Granada and the rest. Companies that are no longer with us include (Associated) Rediffusion, ATV, ABC, TWW, WWN, Southern and Westward. Granada, is one of the original ITV companies that was with us from nearly the beginning. I suppose that thanks to programmes like World in Action and Coronation Street, the company was given a nice long life on our screens.

3) REGIONAL NEWS PROGRAMMES - News that is reported closer to home, with sports news and weather done in the same way. Famous regional newsreaders include Alastair Stewart presenting London Tonight, Fred Dinenage presenting Meridian Tonight, Mike "TV-am" Morris presenting Yorkshire Television's Calendar, Nick "TV-am" Owen presenting Midlands Today, Gordon "Krypton" Burns presenting North West Tonight and Stewart White, formerly of ATV presenting Look East

4) CONTINUITY ANNOUNCERS - People who used to sit in front of the camera and used to tell you what was on next. This has been phased out, and now you hear a voice coming from nowhere basically doing the same thing. Grampian was the last ITV Company to phase this out; as late as 1998 they still had in vision presenters in a Points of View like studio. Now continuity announcers are like radio presenters; their faces can not be seen.

5) TELEVISION STATION IDENTS - Those ITV logos that had come before and after the television programmes which told us which company had made the programme. Specialities included Rediffusiion's spinning star, Anglia's scary air-fix knight, Westward's blue Peter logo lookalike ship and the symmetrical ATV logo. These idents, which gave many kids a fright for life, hiding behind the sofa and so on. The Yorkshire Television yellow logo proved to be one of the scariest for some 1970's children, while the Thames logo, thanks to Kenny Everett leaping through it gave some of us the fright of our lives. Other logos included the LWT moving ribbons, the dead pan Granada logo that didn't move or make a sound and the HTV logo, which is based on a television aerial.

6) BREAK BUMPERS - Basically a half a second image that separated the programme and the commercials to indicate the start of a commercial break. Channel 4 and some ITV regions had them. Of course, Rediffusion's one was the famous spinning star.

7) REPEATS - These have been around since television stations began broadcasting. Time fillers of programmes to fill up the Spring and Summer schedules. Now satellite and cable stations like UK Gold and Granada Plus fill up a day's schedule full of them. Personally, depending on the kind of programme that is being repeated, I don't mind repeats very much. If there is something that I missed the first time around that I wan to see again, then I don't mind a programme being repeated. Nothing else to say is there?

8) OMNIBUS EDITIONS - Or see repeats. These are a week's worth of programmes sewn together and repeated as one whole programme. They mostly occur at the weekends and are mostly soap operas like EastEnders and Brookside. As these programmes aren't worth watching the first around, you certainly don't want to see them again!

9) TELEVISION COMPANY STRIKES - These were very common during the 1960's and the 1970's. These television companies, mostly ITV would refuse to transmit any of their own programmes because of technicians wanting more pay and things like that. On Thames' opening night back in 1968, a programme featuring Tommy Cooper was taken off the air after about ten minutes because of a strike at their studios. In the autumn of 1979, all the ITV companies, except Channel all went off the air for over a month. Repeats of programmes as part of a skeleton schedule was composed in case the companies decided to go back on air again. ATV Today newsreader Bob Warman caused a strike in 1973 when he did a news story about little houses. The problem was that he didn't call a props man to deliver some wooden stakes and because of that, the following edition of the news programme went off the air.

10) OPENING UP AND CLOSING DOWN MUSIC - If you got up early enough or stayed up late enough, you would have caught the opening and closing music for various television stations. With a continuity announcer saying good morning or goodnight over some music, they tried to make us feel more relaxed at those times. Anglia's opening up music was basically a rip off of Handel's Water Music, while Grampian ripped off Scotland the Brave. Some tunes went on for so long, by the time that the music had finished, it was time to play the closing down tune!

11) TELETEXT - That service that tells you a lot more about news, television and other things at the touch of a button. Ceefax is the service that serves BBC 1 and BBC 2. Oracle originally served ITV and Channel 4, until it was ousted in 1992 by the originally titled Teletext. Channel 4 also has 4 Tel, a text service that is specially prepared by Channel 4 staff, while most ITV stations have their own local text service on page 600. Ceefax is a word made up from the phrase "see facts", because that is what we usually see. The teletext service started in 1974 as an experimental thing and it basically took off from there. Channel 5 and most satellite and cable television companies also have teletext as well.

12) THE LICENCE FEE - The one thing that most people complain to the BBC about; the ever-growing licence fee. The first licence fee was for radio only and was 10 shillings in 1926, 50p in today's money. As television grew, so did the licence fee and the advent of BBC 2 and colour transmissions helped to increase the TV licence amount. People have received fines over the years because of non-payment and even had a stint in prison. These TV detector vans can spot a mile off if anyone is watching television without a licence. In the year 2000, the licence fee is now worth Ł104, but don't forget that this covers television, radio, cable and digital television, and the BBC's website and much more, so in the year 2000, the licence fee is more worth the money than ten years ago. It's a good idea to pay your TV licence by Direct Debit.

13) THE TRANSITION FROM BLACK AND WHITE TO COLOUR - BBC 2 had been carrying colour broadcasts since 1967, but Saturday, November 15th 1969 was the official date that most television stations adapted to colour. However, for the next couple of years, there were still some programmes that were seen in black and white. And yes, like the Queen's coronation, if you were the only house in your street to own a colour television set, no doubt that your neighbours would want to sit in your front room to watch television. Remember when you first saw the 1970 World Cup, Coronation Street and other programmes for the first time in colour. Even some television idents said, "colour production" on them, as if we would be so stupid to think that we would be still watching on black and white sets.

14) THE TEST CARD - Back in the 1970's, a young girl called Carol Hersee became person who appeared on BBC daytime television more than anyone else. She became an institution, an even though her appearances on television were limited to night times and early mornings in the 1980's, due to the advent of daytime television. The colourful test card was accompanied with music or one long bleep. (Surely Hersee should watch her language?) A picture of a noughts and crosses game, which featured Hersee and a balloon clown puppet. One of the crosses depicted the very centre of picture. Earlier test cards used in very early colour transmissions were ones that featured Queen Elizabeth II on it, which was probably used around the time of the Queen's coronation. ITV and Channel 4 had a IBA test card that were used before opening up in the mornings and also a test card that different colours over a red background. Sadly, as a result of 24 hour television, we bidded farewell to the test card. However, Hersee's test card did make a guest appearance on the morning of Christmas Day, a couple of years ago, when BBC 1 and BBC 2 close down for the night.

15) SCHOOLS PROGRAMMES - Those morning (and sometimes afternoon) programmes that filled up the daytime schedules during term time. BBC 1 originally served up these programmes with programmes such as Look and Read, Words and Pictures and Music Time. BBC 2 took over the transmissions in the early 1980's, where Sheena Easton belted out one of her tunes to keep school pupils entertained until the programmes began. ITV had programmes like Picture Box, Stop, Look and Listen and Chemistry in Action, When the schools service transferred to Channel 4 in 1987, it was still called ITV Schools until 1993. Things that stick out in our minds is the mini art gallery that came before the sixty second countdown that was on a blue background. You had to count the pips disappearing until the programme started. The music used however can not be traced.

16) THE "BLEEP" - Basically used for three things: the time signal used for the last five seconds of the hour, mostly to introduce the news, but that was mostly radio. The test sound to accompany the test card (see the test card) and also to cover up those swear words that people use from time to time on television, especially before the nine o'clock watershed. Written down, it's spelt * * * * * * * * * * * * !

17) OUT TAKES - Denis Norden first introduced this phononenum on his It'll Be Alright On The Night programme, where the programme saw television presenters falling off chairs, actors misreading their lines and news reporters trying to do their job, while some fool does something stupid behind them. I suppose that before programmes like these existed, television companies used to deny that television presenters made mistakes on air. My favourite out take is the one where a young boy was being interviewed and was asked by a news reporter, "Did he say why he committed suicide?" The young boy said, "No, he was dead". The BBC then got Terry Wogan to front their own out take programme Auntie's Bloomers, that transmitted out takes from the BBC's own television output and is originally seen on Christmas Day. Still the basic falling off their chairs, and misreading local news items seen here. Bloomer spin-offs include Auntie's Sporting Bloomers and Auntie's Natural Bloomers, while ITV had the short-lived Oddballs.

18) TELEVISION STATION CLOCKS - These clocks that are like any other, except that they appeared on television. They appeared mostly on the BBC, even though most ITV stations had them as well. They mostly appeared when it was time for the news. Cue a clock that had about ten seconds to go until six o'clock, while the announcer told us that it was time for the news. They also made an appearance just before the television station closed down for the night. Great if you want to set your clocks and watches for the right time. Don't forget the announcement that told us to put our clocks forward in the spring, and back an hour in the autumn. They probably taught the little ones how to tell the time. Brilliant!

19) OPEN UNIVERSITY PROGRAMMES - These programmes that made up a 1970's BBC 2 schedule in the early evenings and a six hour Saturday and Sunday morning marathon in the late 1980's. Now part of the Learning Zone, overnight on BBC 2, these programmes told us about Trigonometry, Chemistry and Biology from a slightly different angle. You might learn something if you tune in late in the night. A pity that some of the presenters are still stuck in the 1970's. IE - Some of the programmes we are seeing were first seen in the 1970's. Still, it's another thing that Milton Keynes is famous for, isn't it?

20) PRACTICAL JOKES - Or see out takes. These things are what Jeremy Beadle and Noel Edmonds are famous for: playing tricks and jokes on members of the public and celebrities. Denis Norden released his Laughter File, a sub It'll Be Alright on the Night style programme, while saw television presenters, mostly American playing jokes on each other, mostly in newsrooms. Edmonds was famous for his Gotcha Oscar, which caught celebrities in their under-wheres. These programmes were probably conceived from the Candid Camera school of light entertainment.

21) PARTY POLITICAL BROADCASTS - Or Party Election Broadcasts. Cue announcer saying, "There now follows a party political broadcast on behalf of the Labour Party". These five-minute monologues, made by the Prime Minister or the leader of the opposition are usually screened prior to a general or local election. Edward Heath or Harold Wilson would say something like, we promise to lower taxes and stop crime in your local neighbourhood. Watching these programmes seems rather like playing Call My Bluff; you have to find out which party is telling the truth the most in order to vote for them, and that seems to be rather difficult as they all seem to be saying the same thing. Viewers in Wales and Scotland would get their own version of their broadcast. We have to be put through at least three times a night. Twice on BBC 1 and ITV; back in the 1970's (they were on exactly the same time - at 9 p.m.) And again on BBC 2 where it was signed and subtitled for the hard of hearing. That's Party Politics, folks!

22) THE CREDITS - They usually turn up at the end of the programme, and they tell you exactly who the vision mixer, the sound engineer and even the floor manager is Great! It even tells you those technical phrases like dolly grip and stuff like that. But on the other hand, who cares who the vision mixer is? I'd better move on to the next one.

23) TECHNICAL FAULTS - In the 1970's and early 1980's these were unscheduled interruptions in our favourite television programmes that were replaced with a white caption over a blue background. A message from the IBA or one of the ITV companies saying, "Your programme will resume shortly or do not adjust your set". The caption is accompanied by music, depending on how long it takes to get the problem sorted. The BBC seem to be common with this practice. When the problem is sorted, the announcer says that they can now return you to your scheduled programme. Also if there is a sound or picture fault, a caption at the bottom of the screen saying, "we apologise for the loss of sound. Please bear with us and we will get things back to normal as soon as possible". The question is, who did press the stop button on the recording in the first place? One can remember a blunder with an HTV continuity announcer when the screen went blue during a screening of The Young Doctors, and so did his language, when he realised his error.

24) PUBLIC INFOPRMATION FILMS - Spending a 1970's or 1980's Saturday morning in watching television, or that five minute gap just before the news, there seemed to be time to fit in a public information film, commissioned by the Central Office of Information. The BBC even found time to fit the odd one in before they said goodnight to us, before they went 24 hours a day. These films starred people like Sir Jimmy Savile, telling us to clunk click, every trip, Dave Prowse, the six foot lycra dressed Green Cross Code man, teaching youngsters to cross the road. Even the cast of Dad's Army got in on the act. Brian Wilde of Porridge fame, telling us why it is dangerous to fly your kite near an electricity pylon. Don't forget Rolf Harris and David Wilkie trying to get us to swim. What about the animated ones like the Charlie Says and the Jo and Petunia ones? And Reggie Househusband trying to park a car? Arthur Lowe being the voice of Claude the caravan, who was a bit over loaded. And the scary one that saw a man being electrocuted after putting matchsticks in the electric socket and operating an electric drill at the same time. Why are people so morbid just to put these things on television?

25) WEATHER FORECASTS - Things that we take for granted without even thinking about it. Weather forecasts are a little bit like horoscopes, they predict the not so distant future and many times, they are often wrong. Take Michael Fish and the 1987 hurricane for example. "Don't worry. There isn't a hurricane on the way". Oh yes, there is, Michael. Other events that the weather has played a big part in life is the long hot summer of 1976 and the hottest summer since records began when temperatures rose to nearly 100 degrees Fahrenheit in 1990. Why don't they just say, take a look out of the window if you want to see what the weather is like? Bill Giles of course was reprimanded for bullying his colleagues. The scandals that go on at the Met Office indeed!

26) LIVE BROADCASTS - These range from different television programmes, which is really an extention to outtakes. For example, the swear words that the sex pistols used on Bill Grundy's Today programme in 1976. Tommy Cooper sadly dying on air while performing on a transmission of Live from Her Majesty's in 1984. Neil Armstrong being the first man on the moon and the attack of Rod Hull and Emu on Michael Parkinson's chat show in 1976. It must have been a live programme, otherwise it would have been edited out. Other live broadcasts have included Margaret Thatcher getting a grilling on Nationwide by a viewer and Grace Jones being attacked by Russell Harty. That's the beauty of live television: you never know what's around the next corner!

27) PHONE INS - That staple of daytime television. Richard and Judy's This Morning is a prime example. The doctors and agony aunts phone in and all that. Don't forget the short-lived Talkabout on BBC 1. Any daytime chat show seems to have one.

28) SPORTS PROGRAMMES - Grandstand, World of Sport and all those sporting programmes. The weekends, bank holidays and the summer days are dominated with sport. The six hours of cricket, the four hours of snooker on a Sunday afternoon and also the athletics. Don't forget football: the European championships and the World Cup. Don't you just get sick of all this football on television? It kept Des Lynam and Dickie Davies away from the Job Centre, I suppose.

29) HAVING YOUR SAY - The Robinson namesake dominated Points of View allowed viewers such as Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells moan every week about the licence fee going up and also requesting to see the best television clips of the week. Also Ask Aspel and Junior Points of View were the youngster's equivalent of expressing themselves. ITV had the children's First Post and it's regional equivalent, Televiews and Central Post. Why don't they just complain to the Television Company concerned and cut out on the middleman?

30) NATIONAL REGIONAL PROGRAMMES - These programmes looked at regional television from a national angle, or is that the other way round? ITV had About Britain and Pick of the Week (not to be confused with BBC Radio 4's programme of the same name), that focused on a particular region. East Anglia seemed to get some over exposure, it seems. Also the BBC's Look Stranger also more or less did the same job, and Highway encouraged the smaller ITV companies to participate more in the network. Not a bad thing to eavesdrop on another region's antics.

31) SOAPS - See also omnibus editions. These schedule wasters are becoming more frequent every week. These programmes are full of dating and characters eating each other. It keeps Equity booming and actors in jobs, I suppose. EastEnders, which doesn't have any relevance to anyone outside London, does exactly the same thing. Now they're trying to put Emmerdale on five nights a week. The reason why ITV schedules regional programming opposite EastEnders, especially on a Tuesday evening at 7.30 p.m. is because they know that EastEnders is a load of rubbish. That's why they schedule their regional programmes opposite them; it's basically putting rubbish against rubbish so that it's fair. But the truth of the matter is that it's not fair. At the end of the day, it's the viewers who miss out isn't it? Let's ban them all.

32) THE COMINGS AND GOINGS OF TELEVISION COMPANIES - See also ITV franchises. The 1968, 1981 and 1992 franchise rounds saw a lot of changes to the way we watched ITV. In 1968, Rediffusion and ABC merged to become Thames Television, HTV replaced TWW in Wales and the west, Yorkshire Television was created and LWT began in London at the weekends. In 1981 we said goodbye to ATV, Southern and Westward and said hello to Central, TVS and TSW. In 1992 we said goodbye to Thames, TVS and TSW and said hello to Carlton, Meridian and Westcountry.

33) PRE SCHOOL TELEVISION PROGRAMMES - Yes, television had to keep the under fives quiet somehow. The early Watch with Mother in 1950 saw the beginning of Andy Pandy, The Woodentops, Picture Book and Muffin the Mule. 1970 saw series of Camblewick Green, and it's spin-offs Trumpton and Chigley. Also at the same time, Mr Benn, who lived at 52 Festive Road. 1972 saw daytime television come to ITV and in it's place saw the first or a twenty year run of Rainbow, followed a few months later by Indigo Pipkin, later Pipkins. Don't forget BBC 2's Play School, with Humpty, Jemima, Hamble and the rest. What about the presenters? Brian Cant, Floella Benjamin, Carol Leader, Fred Harris and the others. All alone on BBC 2 at 11 am throughout the 1970's. Silly songs and pretending to be either an oak tree or a tea pot. Some people would do it just for the money.

34) BLANK SCREEN MUSIC - Basically unrecognised trade test transmission music heard on the early years of colour television on BBC 1 and BBC 2. See also test card, transmitter faults and other things like that.

35) EUROVISION SONG CONTEST - A once yearly event, usually held in the same country as the country that won it the previous year. Basically it's two hours of songs and one hour of voting. As some of the songs are not sung in English, you only have the tune to vote for. So far, the United Kingdom has avoided a score of nil points. Twenty-five countries now take part in it, compared to just seven when the contest began in Switzerland in 1956. You are not allowed to vote for your own country, but everyone else is allowed to. (That's vote for your country, not their own, may I add!) There is a top score of 12 points, which usually goes to Ireland, who has won it three years in a row. It was nearly called the Johnny Logan show, back in the 1980's it seemed!

36) ELECTION NIGHT COVERAGE - Or one good Dimbleby deserves another. An all night feast of going around the country to various constituencies to compare votes. Usually David Dimbleby does the BBC and Jonathan does ITV. On the BBC, Peter Snow is with his swingometer measuring which party is in the lead and sometime during the following day, a glimpse of the Prime Minister winning his second term or a totally new Prime Minister outside 10 Downing Street with his wife. No doubt that this begins around about 10 p.m. on the first Thursday of May, just after the polling stations have closed and the good people are busy counting your votes. And then we moan about the politicians in the House of Commons. It seems that it's our fault for voting them in office in the first place, I suppose.

37) ROYAL VAIRETY PERFORMANCES - The annual three hour feast of comedians, singers and magicians performed in front of the Queen Mother, the Princess Royal and Prince Charles, perched in the upper balcony. (I don't think that they got a good view up there). People like Jimmy Cricket, Charlie Drake, Norman Wisdom, Bruce Forsyth and most of the other comics and performers that have graced the second half of the 20th century. Also the compere, Jimmy Tarbuck would try and "warm" things up with some jokes of his own at the beginning. Now, the new generation of Bobby Davro, Bradley Walsh and Joe Pasquale have taken over. I know an act that'll get on your nerves!

38) FARMING PROGRAMMES - Sunday morning programmes that looked at harvest crops and things like that. Mostly on ITV stations like Anglia and areas of the United Kingdom where there is a strong farming area. The BBC still has Countryfile, reporting on the rural issues on a Sunday morning. It got John Craven away from Newsround onto the adult stories. I would mention the heifers, but this is meant to be free of strong language, so I will say that it is a load of bull, instead.

39) PROGRAMMES FOR THE DISABLED - Just like the farming programmes, these occurred on Sunday mornings. The 1970's saw Stop Go! with Sir Brian Rix. Basically a group of children go around with an adult to find out what is out there in the real world. The 1980's had ITV's Sunday morning programme Link, which dealt with women permanently defined to wheelchairs complaining about how they are mistreated in general society. Problems with paying too much rent and all that. The deaf community have See Hear on a Saturday morning BBC 2, with a little man in the bottom left hand corner signing along with subtitles next to him. Let's have a disability programme for people and carers with autism; we all deserve to have one!

40) NEWS REPORTS - Basically the bit that the newsreader introduces. "We now go to Downing Street where Joe Bloggs is outside number ten waiting for the Prime Minister to come out". The reporter does his report without any trouble, unless he gets any distractions from passers by, making the report a candidate for Auntie's Bloomers. Sometimes these reports take over the whole news programme, depending on how serious the news is and does the interviews. "And we've just heard that over 100 people have died in that plane crash". And then the reporter comes to his conclusion and wraps the report up by saying, "Joe Bloggs, ITN, London". (Except that this isn't London, is it?) A blunder that the late ITN reporter Jeremy Hands did when he was supposedly in Putney doing a news report.

41) ANIMAL PROGRAMMES - Let's see, animals have provided us entertainment over the years with their talent. Although Animal Magic basically showed the talents of the late Johnny Morris and not so much the animals, he probably made them sane in comparison. Yes, animals don't talk in real life of course, but what about Jack Hanna, risking life and limb just to get close to a lion. Animals in Action, the Rolf Harris Cartoon Time meets Animal Magic. The presenter would try and draw a specific animal that was featured in the programme. Many an outtake seeing animals chewing up microphones and biting reporters on the bum. As the saying goes: never work with animals…

42) BABIES AND CHILDREN - … or children. These youngsters have also embarrassed their parents when they say something outrageous. Take the 1980's quiz Child's Play for example. Kids giving definitions over certain clues. Also the child actors who appear in soaps and drama serials. Well, adult actors can't play them, can they? Also in the mid 1990's quiz Small Talk, presented by the comedian of the same size, Ronnie Corbett, where a Celebrity Squares style grid of infants gave their own answer to a certain question. One must admit, kids are good at ad-libs, aren't they?

43) TRANSMITTER INFORMATION - These white on blue captions supplied by the IBA, which mostly appeared before programmes began in the mornings. They just told us which transmitters were off air and on reduced power and also made us get familiar with which transmitter that served our area. Yes, enthusiasts did get up early just to watch to see if the people who received Sutton Coldfield or Winter Hill needed new aerials and would get their programmes disrupted. It's channel 48 in a horizontal position, although you may receive a ghostly reception of you live on top of a hill. Also the change over to colour and stereo. If you receive a snowy reception where you live, you might need your aerial redirecting or even use a signal booster. It all helps.

44) MONDAY'S NEWCOMERS - This was on a Monday morning, just before the morning's programmes began. It was never listed in the TV Times or in any newspaper, but during the 1960's and 1970's, this showed the premier showings of that week's commercials for the benefit of the advertising industry, split into twenty, thirty and forty second commercials. Yes, we didn't understand what it was all about but as the week went on, we eventually got used to the commercials that were piloted there. See also commercials.

45) CHRISTMAS TAPES - This is an unknown phononenum outside the television industry, which is usually produced for Television Company staff by television company staff and not intended for actual transmission. These tapes involve out takes, practical jokes and odd bits from well-known television programmes produced by the company. Only recently, did Victor Lewis Smith on his programme, TV Offal revealed some of these Christmas Tapes, including an episode of the children's television programme Rainbow, where some of the presenters let off some outrageous language in the same style as if they were doing a normal show that was produced by Thames Television staff.

46) PILOT EPISODES - The one off television programmes that sometimes are turned into a series if it is very lucky. They are usually sitcoms and especially in the 1960's and 1970's, the BBC's Comedy Playhouse aired these pilots of one off sitcoms, but very few of them were turned into series. One of the most successful pilot episodes from the Comedy Playhouse strand was Last of the Summer Wine that was piloted in 1973 and is still running in the year 2000. (One might argue which is older; the sitcom or its characters!)

47) CHRISTMAS TELEVISION - It is argued that Christmas is one of the highlights of the television calendar. On an average Christmas Day, a television schedule would look like this: A carol service from a cathedral in London would start at about 9.30 after breakfast television has ended, followed at 10.30 with cartoons and an animated Christmas special, and probably a few popular children's television programmes thrown in for good measure. Midday would probably see Top of the Pops or a Christmas Movie or a repeat from an old Christmas edition of any sitcom from years ago. The Queen makes her appearance at 3 p.m., while a movie premiere starts about ten minutes later and probably ice-skating or something after that. More entertainment as BBC shows Auntie's Bloomers and the extra schedule fillers of EastEnders, while ITV does the same with Coronation Street. After more comedy and game shows, we round up the evening, with a vicar sitting in a chair talking about religion in the form of a Ronnie Corbett monologue. Day over, go to bed and wait for Boxing Day to arrive.

48) PARODIES - Yes, the meat in any sketch show's sandwich. Obviously a parody is a copy of real life and performed in a slightly different and amusing way. One of the best parodies ever done on television was the Two Ronnies sketch where Barker and Corbett did a parody of Mastermind. Corbett sat in the black swivel chair (not unusual him sitting, is it?) while Barker asked the questions. Corbett answered the question before the last one he was asked. Something like: Who are Margaret Thatcher and Jim Callaghan? Corbett answers: Buerks. Obviously, the previous answer to the previous question - whatever that was of course buerks.

49) THE IBA - The regulator that operated independent television and radio in the 1970's and 1980's. It was originally called the Independent Television Authority (ITA) in the 1960's. When Independent Radio arrived in 1973, the name was changed to the Independent Broadcasting Authority, to accommodate both television and radio. In 1990, with the start of the 1990 Broadcasting Act, the IBA was split into two, the television companies were regulated by the Independent Television Commission (ITC) and the radio services by the Radio Authority. I suppose that would have called itself the Independent Radio Authority, but I don't think that they would have gone done very well in Northern Ireland as their initials would have been IRA! The difference between the IBA and the ITC is that the IBA previewed programmes before they were transmitted, while the ITC only acts on television programmes after they have been transmitted.

50) AD-LIBS - Something that comedians and actors do if they either forget their lines or if something comes to them in a flash. One of the quickest ad-libbers is Paul Merton on Have I Got News For You? when he says something like: Is "Bill Clinton the odd one out because he's the only one who has got a cigar up his nose?" or something like that. Most television presenters have to ad-lib anyway because they don't have any lines at all! You could say that I am ad-libbing this list!

51) PATHE NEWS - 1940's old newsreel footage that turns up from time to time on history programmes and documentary programmes on television. The famous cockerel crowing is Pathe's trademark and was there when the Second World War ended and when the Queen was crowned. It covered some of the historical news reports around the middle of the 20th century.

52) AFTERNOON TELEVISION - This came to ITV in the autumn of 1972 specially for people who were at home during the day like housewives, the disabled, the retired, the under fives, the shift worker, the unemployed and kids playing truant (OK, not the last one). Goodies that were available included the very much with us Emmerdale Farm as well as Crown Court, Farmhouse Kitchen and Mr and Mrs. Films and plays also dominated the afternoon schedules. You could tell that these were mostly daytime shows because most of the audiences were made up of pensioners.

53) ACTORS AND ACTRESSES - Members of Equity, we think, and separated into separate "lists". The A list, which consist of Michael Caine and Cary Grant; the B list, which consist of Sid James and Kenneth Williams; the C list, which consisted of Beryl Reid and Amanda Barrie (Alma from Coronation Street) and D list, which are basically extras in dramas and films. (IE- not famous enough or just about to get a walk on part).

54) GAME SHOWS - The best part of a television schedule. One of the earlier game shows was Double Your Money with Hughie Greene and Take Your Pick with Michael Miles. Well, what is the difference between a game show and a quiz show? The only difference is that you stand up with game show that's all you really need to know! Another thing that a game show host always seem to have a female hostess. Brucie had Anthea Redfern on the Generation Game, while Larry Grayson had Isla St Clair. However, time has moved on, and now we've moved on to the big cash prizes. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Is one that has made Chris Tarrant, not the other way around. What more could you ask? A Ł1,000,000 jackpot, ten contestants and lots of excitement in a studio. Brilliant!

55) TELEVISION CRITICS - These people who write for newspapers and television listings magazines. They mostly say what they think and can offend many people - mostly television presenters. Victor Lewis Smith is a prime example for this. If you have seen his TV Offal series late on Friday nights on Channel 4. Lewis Smith has said unkind things about Jeremy Beadle and how he happened to be born with Poland Syndrome. (No Beadle wasn't born Polish!) Perhaps this was Victor Lewis Smith's way of paying Beadle back for all those practical jokes he has played on the public over the years. Lewis Smith is the columnist for the London Evening Standard and his column has been relayed to other local newspapers across the United Kingdom. Another critic is Sam Brady, who is Teletext's television critic who also seemed to have a bone to pick with various individuals from the world of television. Perhaps these people should get out more, rather than argue with their television sets?

56) COMEDY - Various programmes that are made to make us laugh. Comedians and comedy actors star in sitcoms, sketch and stand up shows, satire, impressionism and more. Yes, Morecambe and Wise and Little and Large would be still doing their day jobs if they couldn't make anyone laugh on television.

57) INFOTAINMENT - A mid 1990's word that I don't think has made the dictionary and I don't think it ever will. These kind of programmes started to occur at about 7 p.m. on weekday evenings, where television companies would try daytime celebrities like Richard and Judy on peak time chat shows. Also programmes like Watchdog are classed as infotainment shows. Basically the word is a combination of the words information and entertainment and as its programme suggests, it's a mixture of the two. I suppose That's Life! Was one of those programmes that contained both information and entertainment years before the word was coined.

58) ATMOSPHERIC CONDITIONS - If you lived near the sea, or had your television aerial pointed in a direction where you could get a very good signal from far away on a good day. You could get television pictures from far away. People think that this usually happens on radio stations, and not television station, but the truth of the matter is that the reason why we don't seem to notice these atmospheric conditions is because we don't tune our television sets in manually every time we change television channels. If you experience the atmospheric conditions on your radio IE - you get radio signals from far away, then that is a good idea to tune your television set in manually. I have found out that people who live in the East Midlands tend to get pictures from East Anglia and even as far as the London area, when atmospheric conditions occur because most aerials are pointed in a South Easterly direction. Once when I was picking up one of these signals I picked it up so well that the picture was in colour. Great to look out for!

59) THE QUEEN'S SPEECH - 3 p.m. Christmas Day. Need I say more? HM The Queen with her own observations of the past year. Whether it was an annus horribulous or not, our monarch will spend at least ten minutes talking about it on our screens. Don't forget that BBC 2 and Channel 4 also repeat it later on Christmas Day with subtitles, so there!

60) PROGRAMME SPONSORS - The one thing apart from commercials that help pay for the programmes. Of course, it's against the ITC code to sponsor news programmes or current affairs programmes, but they do sponsor the weather with local and national electricity providers. Soaps are now sponsored by chocolate and soap powder companies ad all that. And game shows are sponsored by some tabloid newspapers. Don't forget when Rumpole of the Bailey was sponsored by Croft Port. Do you think that sponsorship is just a legal plug for a product?

61) BAD LANGUAGE - One thing that all television regulators upheld, even if viewers have not complained about it. Foul language, which is not acceptable, and one of the words is * * * * * * * * *!

62) ETHNIC MINORITIES - In soaps and other programmes, it seems that there does seem to be a lack of ethnic minorities on our screen. Of course, programmes like Love Thy Neighbour and Till Death Do Us Part is not really suitable for today's generation. Anyone who happens to be Asian or African or Chinese or whatever is just as human as the rest of us; it's the people who stereotype and knock them who are not human. It's a sad fact that if an actor from an ethnic background plays a part in a soap or a drama serial, it always seems to play negative parts i.e.- a criminal or someone who is up to no good. Television should make more programmes for minorities so that they don't get singled out all the time.

63) ROYAL WEDDINGS - Yes, most of us remember these. Remember Charles and Diana's wedding of 1981 where they got married at St Paul's Cathedral. And almost five years to the week were Andrew and Sarah Ferguson's wedding, and Edward and Sophie's wedding in 1999. In the 1981 and the 1986 weddings, a day on ITV would be like this: The wedding ceremony would start early in the morning and would last until nearly 2 p.m. where a film would be shown. Two hours later, we would see the lucky couple in Honeymoon Departure and then followed by Give Us a Clue and the news. You basically get the picture. It's a pity that the first two aforementioned weddings are not in existence anymore.

64) CHAT SHOWS - Harty, Aspel, Parky, they've all presented chat shows. And they've had their share of difficult guests. Harty had Grace Jones, Aspel had Oliver Reed getting drunk over tequila and orange juice and Parky had Rod Hull and Emu and also Mohammed Ali. Don't forget Wogan and George Best. How you could forget Wogan? He was on three nights a week between 1985 and 1992. Oh yes, and don't forget Des O' Connor Tonight. I'd just thought I'd mention it.

65) THE ITC - The Independent Television Commission, the regulator which took over from the IBA in 1990. It just attends to any complaint of any commercial or television programme on commercial television. Whether it is offensive, misleading or harmful, the ITC will try to attend to it. Whether it also violent, has bad language or sexual content in it the ITC will also look in to. However 95% of these never seem to get upheld.

66) CABLE TELEVISION - The television industry is booming, thanks to Rupert Murdoch's media company. The leader of the pack, Sky One, the channel that screens programmes like The Simpson's and Friends before the terrestrial channels get to it, while Eurosport did the rounds for sport i.e. the Tour of France and so on. Then came Sky News and CNN supplying us news 24 hours a day. Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network and the Disney Channel kept the little ones quiet. Or did they?

67) THE SHOPPING CHANNEL - This is basically an extention to cable television. QVC, the shopping channel. Yes, this is what you get if you cross a cable television channel with an Argos catalogue. 24 hours selling products from jewellery to hi-fis. Even though QVC is regulated by the ITC, QVC makes its money from the products it sells just like a shop, while most other ITC regulated television stations take commercial revenue to support their budgets. If you think about it, ITV loosing commercial revenue is like someone shoplifting from QVC! QVC also has foreign counterparts, including a cable station in Germany and in other countries. Also on the same line, you could say that The TV Travel Shop is like a cross between a cable television station and a branch of Thomas Cook!

68) DIGITAL TELEVISION - Again, you can argue that this is also an extention of cable television; the newcomer of broadcasting. Basically, Digital is a load of 0's and 1's coming together to create a new era in modern technology (binary numbers). Now new channels like BBC Choice and ITV2 are being broadcast to give us an even bigger selection of what's on the box. A publicity stunt, which might happen in about 2007, when the government will turn off analogue transmitters and will force the public to spend more on buying new digital sets. Don't worry, these sets may cost Ł1000 now, but by 2007 more people will be able to afford Ł1000 for a new set. These sets might cost less than that by then; we would just have to wait and see. The licence fee might be about Ł500 by then!

69) BARB - The Broadcasters Audience Research Board, which took over from JICTAR in 1982. Yes, they monitor how many people have watched a certain programme in their millions and they record that so many people have watched programmes like EastEnders and Coronation Street. And whether 13.74 million viewers watched a particular episode. Very handy for ratings information regarding television programmes.

70) BROADCAST MAGAZINE - A newspaper that can be bought in most newsagents which is published for the television industry. It has features on television programmes, what the latest television companies and executives are up to and the latest take-over bids of various television companies. And also the duty log where the newspaper scours around the regional television companies and gets the unusual statements from viewers contacting the company's Duty Office. And of course, the audience listings from three weeks ago (see BARB). No trace of Channel 5 there, even though it says a table for top Channel 5 programmes, along with BBC 2 and Channel 4.

71) RADIO TIMES - The BBC's own radio and then television listings magazine, first published in 1926. The magazine has grown in size over the years and adopted Independent Television and satellite and cable television in 1991. It is one of the best television listings magazines around and well worth the money. It's commercial rival, TV Times was first published in the London area in the mid 1960's and other regions had their own local TV listings magazine, TV World, TV Weekly, The Viewer and all that. In 1968, TV Times was published nationally with ITV programmes listed. Channel 4 programmes were also included in 1982 when the station first went on air and then in 1991, thanks to changes in the law, BBC 1 and BBC 2 were also included, along with the non terrestrial channels. Since then, new TV listings magazines showing all television channels were launched like TV Quick and What's On TV?

72) LOCAL COMMERCIALS - Or see commercial breaks. Yes, those local commercials that advertised almost anything in your area. Take the Midlands for example. Do you remember when DFS, that furniture superstore that seemed to dominate your commercial television viewing from Thursday evening onwards only had branches in Darley Dale and Measham? Their offers always end on Sunday at 5 p.m. and for some reason, they have changed their name by deed poll in the North to Yorkshire Upholstery. Now, they have branches in Droitwich, Coventry, Banbury and some other places as well. What about Coles of Bilston and ELS as well? If you want to go on a day trip, you could always try Drayton Manor Safari Park on the A458 between Kidderminster and Bewdley, or take a trip to Alton Towers in Staffordshire. Or if you want to hire a caravan, you could have gone to Don Amott's, with the crowned animated lion accompanying the commercial. A great jingle for a commercial!

73) CARTOONS - These five-minute animated wonders that are recently regarded as bad to children's health. Tom and Jerry has been a victim of Political Correctness for being too violent on screen. What poppycock! I mean, does a cat really try and attack a mouse with a rolling pin in real life? Also Disney first became a person and later became a company, that not only conceived Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck, but also the Lion King and Tarzan. Please answer me this: If an average five-minute cartoon takes about six months to make, then how long would an episode of The Simpson's take to make? 50 years?

74) THE NATIONAL LOTTERY - Basically a chat show cum game show compendium, where the viewer is entertained for twenty minutes. For goodness sake, can't they just do the Lottery draw and get it over with? Goodness me, 3-2-1 was a lot better for Saturday evening light entertainment than this rubbish

75) SEX ON TELEVISION - Mary Whitehouse and Bruce Gyngell's worst enemy. See any Friday or Saturday night film on Channel 5. Why don't Mrs Whitehouse and Mr Gyngell spend about six hours watching Sylvia Kristel and Robin Askwith films as a punishment for being so conservative to late night television? Mary Whitehouse and Bruce Gyngell would make a great husband and wife; the only problem is the sex of course. And I won't even mention Robin Askwith and Sylvia Kristel tying the knot either!

76) DATING SHOWS - A single person's nightmare. Blind Date, the British answer to Perfect Match. Cilla Black, the presenter who can now qualify to go on the show as a contestant, since the death of her husband, Bobby Willis. Yes, take three 19 year old girls, all dressed like prostitutes sitting on stools, a 22 year old man dressed in a leather jacket and an eight foot screen dividing them all. The man asks questions, one of the girls answers them in an amusing way and then Our Graham gives the chooser a quick reminder. "Number three". The "couple" chooses a date, which is probably in the Canneries, and they are invited back next week to share with us, their "goings on". Cilla asks, "Are you going to see each other again?" I bloody hope not. This is what Saturday evening schedules are wasted on during the autumn and winter months. Bring back Game For a Laugh; at least this game wasn't much of a laugh!

77) MARY WHITEHOUSE - The woman who changed the face of television when in 1964, she stood up for her rights complaining that evening television was too dirty. Yes, she said that she sat as a family and saw a programme that had started at 6.35 p.m., and said that it was dirtiest programme that she had seen for a very long time. From then on, she founded the Viewers and Listeners Association. I wonder what she thinks of all these soaps there is now on television? Couples having sex before the watershed and all that. Mrs Whitehouse is now a mere 90 years young and now lives at a nursing home, somewhere in the eastern counties. Apparently, the famous television critic and column writer Victor Lewis Smith found out where she lived and made a hoax telephone call to Mrs Whitehouse's address, pretending to be someone else. That hoax call got Lewis Smith into a bit of a spot of bother. Not the first time, I think.

78) BREAKFAST TELEVISION - 1983 was the year that the United Kingdom first woke to breakfast television. The BBC's Breakfast Time began, while a few weeks later, ITV launched their first breakfast television company TV-am, with sir David Frost starting it all off with a huge "hello, good morning and welcome". A certain television executive made TV-am loose its franchise after nine years and eleven months on the air, and was replaced on New Year's Day 1993 with GMTV or Good Morning Television. TV-am however had its own family of characters: Gordon Honeycombe, read the news who was also confused by alternative newsreader Geoff Meade. Lizzie Webb got us doing those exercises, something that Mr Motivator also got us doing a few years later, Wincy Willis who was a former Tyne Tees weathergirl who brightened up the weather updates and then left and was replaced by the Swedish Ulrika Jonsson. And the celebrity cook Rustie Lee who was sacked by TV-am when news went around that she was to feature certain brands of ingredients. Who was that television executive that I mentioned above? Well I will tell you…

79) TELEVISION EXECUTIVES - They are the bosses who run our television stations and make a decision about what we are going to watch. Whether we like it or not, we have no choice. Some of the most famous television executives include the ATV boss Lord Lew Grade of Elstree and his nephew, the former Channel 4 boss Michael Grade, the so-called pornographer in chief. Perhaps he'd better take a tip from the former TV-am boss, which I gave hints on above. The Australian television mogul Bruce Gyngell who caused technicians and cameramen to go on strike during his reign of terror at TV-am and made most of the presenters leave one by one, until he made the breakfast television station no more. Mr Gyngell eventually returned to run Yorkshire Television a couple of years later where he banned any programme that had any reference to gays, sex or anything like that. He saw an episode of the dating show God's Gift. Off the air it went, depriving anyone north of Chesterfield or south of Berwick upon Tweed to a proper television schedule that all the other ITV regions had. Violence and bad language left him unturned, but his real hatred was sexual content programmes. However the boot was on the foot when Granada made a bid for Yorkshire Television n 1997. Mr Gyngell couldn't stand it anymore and he left the station to go back to Australia.

80) THE BSC - The Broadcasting Standards Commission, which is a merger of the Broadcasting Standards Council and the Broadcasting Complaints commission. This regulator is above the BBC, the ITC and the Radio Authority to deal with matters of taste and decency and infringement of privacy.

81) PROGRAMME SCHEDULERS - People who schedule programmes and decide what time they are on, probably by strict order of their boss… the television executives. The only way you can watch an 8 p.m. programme at 10 p.m. is if you videotape it. See also the 9 o' clock watershed.

82) THE 9 O'CLOCK WATERSHED - A borderline to represent the difference between the family programmes and the more adult programmes. However it seems that most television companies decide to ignore this by putting more violent programmes before 9 p.m. What is the point of having a watershed if broadcasters keep ignoring it? I once complained to the ITC about a drama serial that contained youths in balaclavas smashing car windscreens and basically being violent before 9 p.m. I told the ITC that kids could watch this and try and copy it by being anti social and terrorise other people by doing it, but the ITC wouldn't uphold the complaint, saying that it wasn't in breach of their programme code.

83) TELEVISION AERIALS - Basically a piece of metal that helps people to get a good reception on their television sets. If added to a signal booster, it could improve their signal in poor reception areas. Usually found on top of chimneys and sometimes on top of portable television sets. Transmitter that programmes are received from is usually in the same direction that the aerial is pointed in. Special features include a reflector plate, which helps bounce the signal from the transmitter back again to make the signal twice as strong. (You didn't think that we would get as boring as this, did you?)

84) RELIGIOUS PROGRAMMES - A Sunday morning and also evening showing live from a church with a vicar being the main host. Morning Worship and Songs of Praise both prove that you don't need to go to church on a Sunday just to see a church service. Also Sir Harry Seacombe's Highway, which travelled from the Borders to the Shetland Isles. Usually if television cameras are coming to a church near you to film Songs of Praise, you can bet that more people than usual will visit the church just to see themselves on the telly, most of them not even interested in religion. Remember that it's not all Psalm 23 - The Lord is My Shepherd, you know! Oh yes, and don't forget also Dame Thora Hird's Praise Be! The wonders that she's done for the Salvation Army!

85) COOKERY PROGRAMMES - Fanny Cradock and Johnny telling us how to beat an egg, or Delia Smith showing you how to set the oven at 200 degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, these people who can't really doing more advanced than a Victoria Sandwich cake go on television just to give us more ideas for our tea. Keith Floyd getting more interested in the drink, rather than the food. By the way, we never found out what Dorothy Sleghtholme is doing now, do we?

86) TELETHONS - The charity programmes that aims to make money for good causes. Firstly, the annual Children in Need with Terry Wogan doing the rounds with Pudsey Bear; the yellow bear with a bandage over his right eye, named after the area of Pudsey in West Yorkshire, of course. Then it's Comic Relief where well known stand up comedians and sitcom actors strut their stuff for third world famine over an eight hour Friday night extravaganza. And of course the sadly missed 28 hour ITV Telethon with Michael Aspel, not getting one wink of sleep over the May bank holiday, while the programme is on the air. I hope that most of the money raised went onto good causes in the end.

87) MISS WORLD - The programme that judged who was the best looking model from their country. Created by Eric Morley in the 1950's, this programme became a victim of Political Correctness in the 1980's and away it went. It still carried on in other countries though and was recently brought back by Channel 5 for old time's sake. Katie Boyle and Eamonn Andrews have been judges at some point and the programme even created some regional ITV spin-offs including Miss Anglia 1979 with Fred Dinenage, and Miss Yorkshire Television 1977 with Central News anchorman Bob Warman as seen on In Bed With Medinner.

88) PRIME MINISTER'S QUESTION TIME - The weekly-televised slanging match between both sides of the House of Commons, with the Speaker trying to keep them in order. This programme proves that we made a mistake at the last General Election for voting these people in office; we just watch BBC 2 on a Wednesday afternoon and watch the MPs bleat like sheep and behave like unruly kids after the are released from school. However, it's educational to find out who your local MP is, if you didn't knew already and also to get to know who some of the back bench MPs are and where their constituencies are. If you wanted to know who is the MP for Birmingham Selly Oak*, well this programme may have the answer!

89) CATCHPHRASES - These little phrases that one associates with a certain celebrity. Bruce Forsyth is the leader of the pack (which makes him such a lucky jack), while you'll like Paul Daniels' catchphrase, but not a lot. It might be alright for Michael Barrymore, but it's a cracker for Frank Carson. We were lucky people to have Tommy Trinder's, while Morecambe and Wise brought us sunshine. And as you can see, I've started with Bruce Forsyth so I'll finish with Magnus Magnusson.

90) PRODUCT PLACEMENT - The term which tries to merge television programmes and commercials together. If you watch a programme like Blue Peter, and they're making something out of an old cereal packet and a washing up liquid bottle, you'll always see the brand names covered up with coloured sticky back plastic. (We can't use the word Sellotape, you see). Likewise on ITV, every effort is made to keep brand names away from the camera. The ITC once reprimanded This Morning for promoting products in front of the camera, while the efforts are also made to insure that television presenters don't feature in commercials during the breaks of television programmes that they also present. Carol Vorderman is a vulnerable target for this as she does a lot of commercials and presents a lot of programmes. But on the other hand, she has the same combined IQ as all the people who would have done all her jobs anyway.

91) TELEVISION CHRACTERS WHO DON'T FIT IN WITH EVERYDAY LIFE -Basically television characters that are stereotypes of everyday people. For example, Frank Spencer, Mr Bean and Roy Cropper from Coronation Street have always been associated as boring. If you are a normal person, you can laugh at these people. If you are not normal, then normal people laugh at you.

92) FILM CLASSIFICATION - Films on television are slightly classified differently to cinema films, even if it's the same film but some scenes are cut. For example, a 15-certificate film on television would have been an 18 certificate one at the cinema, because of the decision to cut offensive scenes. Channel 5 has a different code when it comes to measuring these things. A for adult, which is equivalent of an 18 certificate film; a C for caution, which is equivalent of a 15 certificate film; a G for guidance, which is the equivalent of a PG or a 12 certificate film and U which is universal; suitable for all. No 18-certificate film is allowed before 10 p.m. and no 15-certificate film is allowed before 9 p.m. Channel 5 have accidentally breached the ITC code when on several occasions, they scheduled an 18-certificate film at 9 p.m. Bring back the Saturday morning matinees!

93) MEDICAL PROGRAMMES - These programmes have saved lives at some point. A sort of a cross between a soap opera and a Public Information Film, these programmes have a mixture of operations and sex. Sticking to the medical side, one hears the "doctor's language". We need 250 ml of glucose. BP's 120 over 90, her Sat.'s are dropping etc… Where else would you hear that jargon but Casualty? Also the fondly remembered Emergency Ward Ten and The Young Doctors. Yes, the next time you hear when a doctor says that a patient has arrested, then don't worry. It's not a policeman taking his job too seriously while in hospital; it's just a heart attack.

94) SPIN OFFS - A term which means a programme with a totally different title or surrounding, but including one or more of the same characters in it. One good example is Benson, which is a spin off from the sitcom Soap. Hopefully, both have been spun off to a desert island.

95) SEX SYMBOLS - People who are usually women and are former actresses and models. They are so popular with the male viewers that someone decided to let them host a programme such as The Big Breakfast and late night Channel 4 shows. Yes, we're talking of Denise Van Outen, Gail Porter, any of the former Spice Girls and Melinda Messenger. They're not doing their job because they have got brains, but because they wear short dresses, skirts and go topless. As long as you look pornographic, you're allowed to present a late night show. (See also Miss World, if you dare).

96) GARDENING SHOWS - Throughout the 1970's and 1980's, Cyril Fletcher, after he retired from That's Life!, along with Howard Drury and Geoff Amos all presented their weekly Gardening Time programme from the TV garden, King's Heath, Birmingham, which was really filmed in a large greenhouse. Yes, we were told how to prune our flowers and to water the garden. This programme was really for the elderly generation, until Ground Force arrived. Now, thanks to Charlie Dimmock and newspaper reports that she doesn't wear a bra, the show has suddenly got a high audience of young men. It's the tight jeans that do it, of course. While the late Geoff Hamilton got the middle-aged ladies exited and Alan Titchmarsh was looked down as a nice young man by the same generation. Thank goodness Percy Thrower was mostly limited to radio programmes and Gardeners' Question Time on BBC Radio 4.

97) BAD DRESSERS ON TELEVISION - This basically extends to any male presenter on Channel 4. First suspect is Countdown's Richard Whiteley: a greyish wig, a jacket that even Rupert Bear wouldn't be seen dead in and a tie that was even unfashionable in the 1970's. Jon Snow: a normal dresser apart from his tie that looks like it's probably splashed with paint while decorating and Chris Evans: ginger hair and his dress sense which makes him look as if he's just thrown out of a night-club for being drunk and disorderly. For bad female dressers, see dating shows and sex symbols.

98) STUDENT TELEVISON STATIONS - As identified on Victor Lewis Smith's TV Offal. These university students with nothing to do during their lunch hour apart from reading The Guardian have a brainstorm session and come up with running their own station, only available on their campus. Also hospital television stations, including one called Sandwell Hospital Television. I think that Sandwell Hospital Independent Television is better because of its initials!

99) CHANNEL 5 RETUNERS - Remember the long hot summer of 1996, when Channel 5 was getting ready to go on air for the very first time, but there was one problem: your video recorder had to be retuned in case their signal clashed with your video recorder channel. You must remember those retuners who were wearing blue sweaters with Give Me 5 written on it. A satirical look into the retuners was featured in an edition of The Jack Docherty Show, a couple of days after the station was launched. But the campaign was not quite successful as half of the south coast still get trouble receiving Channel 5, more than three years after the station began broadcasting.

100) TELEVISION STATIONS THAT NEVER WERE - What ever happened to those television stations that fail to win an ITV franchise and disappear forever? Take for example, Mercia Television and Midlands Television (MTV) that bid for the Midlands franchise that was eventually won by Central Television in 1981, Solway Television that lost to Border Television in 1961 and London Independent Broadcasting, which challenged LWT in 1992. And what did happen to Palatine Television that tried to oust Granada in 1967?

101) JOHN LOGIE BAIRD - The inventor of the television back in the early 1920's. I suppose that if it weren't for Baird, at least half of the things on this list would not be possible. He has a lot to answer for, especially for those at the BBC. Yes, he appeared in the very first television transmissions for the BBC, and helped to make possible the majority of what I have included in this list. I say three cheers for John Logie Baird!

*The MP for Birmingham Selly Oak is Dr Lynne Jones (Labour). Just thought I would squeeze that one in! (That information is correct as of March 2001. So if there is a general election and that MP looses her seat in the mean time, don't blame me for being inaccurate!)

THE 101 THINGS THAT WE KNOW AND LOVE TELEVISION FOR:

The 101 things that British television is famous for.