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You are not alone...We will survive Breast cancer
My name is Anna, I am a breast cancer survivor! Before I go on I want to advise you that I am completely honest and I don’t mince my words. What I write is straight from my innermost. I have always believed that the truth shall set you free!!
I want to share my experience in hopes that I may make it easier on others who can relate. Throughout this whole experience all I wanted was to have control of the journey! I reached out anyway I could to relate with someone who could understand and help me through this. I searched the internet for sites that were more interactive where it wasn’t just to share your experience and get “pep talks”! Don’t get me wrong I was grateful for their feedback and support but it wasn’t enough to get me through. I consulted psychologists, my doctors, friends, family members and they did help somewhat. I reached out to cancer survivors but most of them would rather not re-live the experience. I know we are all different and we all handle things differently but I was looking for a much deeper connection whereby your innermost feelings were shared and that you would feel that “you are not alone”. Because let’s face it, you do feel alone battling this! No matter how supportive the other person is, in the end it is YOU who must deal with all of the side effects it brings to your life. Getting cancer is not something we choose, but how we deal with it is our choice. And, I wasn’t too happy with the choices I had. It has been the roughest time of my life and I do not wish it on anyone. But for those of you who are feeling despair and don’t have anyone to connect with I urge you to reach out.
The cancer has interrupted my life in more ways than anyone could imagine and I am still trying to claim my life back. I have always been a strong-minded person, there was nothing I couldn’t overcome until this hit me. It took me by surprise, it overwhelmed me, it made me an angry person, it took away my personality, and my womanhood! My life will never be the same as it was before!
My goal now is to take back with a vengeance all that was taken away from me. I loved my life before the cancer, I was where I wanted to be, I was the woman I worked hard at being and now I am determined to not let the lingering side effects of my cancer dictate my life!! It still has that hold on me even after the treatments! I am not sure how I am going to do this but I will try! Advancement of breast cancer research is allowing us to live longer and I say let’s take advantage of that now!! We must treat our mind, body and soul better than before, greater than before. I will search high and low for “that formula” that will help. I am not into medicating one’s self to feel better but rather using the most natural methods to heal thyself!
I was living in Dubai, UAE when I found out I had breast cancer. It was May 24, 2005 when I read the results of my biopsy “positive for malignancy”. My first thought was “OhOh, this doesn’t look good!” followed by “No worries, it will be ok”. My sister is a breast cancer survivor going on 9 years. Plus I knew that so much advancement has been done with breast cancer that it would be all right.
My fiancé quickly put me on a plane back home in Montreal Quebec. Everything happened so fast after that. A week later I had a lumpectomy plus they removed 7 lymph nodes of which only one was malignant. But I knew and felt that the cancer was out of my body!
A few weeks after my lumpectomy on a follow up visit with my doctor I met Gina in the waiting room, a brave and fabulous lady. We hit it off immediately and have kept in touch ever since. We’d call each other whenever we felt desperately in need of comfort and understanding. I always felt so much better after I would speak to her; there was/is a great deal of solace from our chats.
After one month I was scheduled for laproscopic surgery for the removal of my gall bladder. I have had gall stones for over a year and had endured intense heart burn. My recovery was quick and quite painless. I though I was doing well thus far.
On November 9th was my first chemo treatment. I really didn’t know what to expect even though my nurse explained it all I was still a little nervous. In went the medicine starting from10 am to 3pm. They had me on AC Taxotere for 6 sessions.
When I arrived home at the end of the day I felt a little queasy and fatigued. I remember thinking this wasn’t so bad and couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about! Everyone I had talked to would tell me how bad chemo is but in comparison I thought my side effects were hardly noticeable.
It wasn’t until my 2nd treatment that all started to go downhill for me. The hair loss, sleepless nights, the hot flashes, nausea, back pain, body pain, I even caught a cold and had a tooth infection, all of this and more did I suffer throughout the rest of my sessions.
I was feeling out of sorts like I was losing control of my life. I have always been in command of my life so this was freaking me out. I was very healthy and exercised on a regular basis before all of this.
I didn’t know how to deal with the way all of this was making me feel so I met with the hospital psychologist at every treatment. I really wanted to re-gain my control here. She was helpful and our sessions made me feel a little better. We agreed on a plan of action that would keep me busy everyday. But my motivation soon faded after a few days and all I did was basically nothing. I wouldn’t think about how depressed I was. I felt awful inside and out! I cried and cried and cried…it just felt like the chemo had won!
I was angry at everyone who didn’t say the right things to me or didn’t understand what I was going through, I was angry that all of this happened to me just as I was planning a great life with my fiancé, I was angry to be taken away from him in order to be here for these horrific treatments, I was angry that I couldn’t get a good night’s sleep ever, I was angry that I didn’t look sexy anymore, my body was so bloated and of course the loss of my hair!!! I felt like I aged 20 years, I looked older! My big “plan of action” now consisted of lying down all day in front of the television. And NO, I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself…I hated myself!
I had chosen to have my treatments alone without accompaniment. I figured it would be boring & gloomy for the other person and I didn’t want the burden of feeling bad about it. I was getting more depressed watching so many people around me in the therapy rooms inflicted with cancer. There were/are too many! I know I was fortunate enough to have caught my cancer early, I didn't have a mastectomy, I had insurance, everyone I talked to was so much more worse off than myself...I cried for them as well and at the same time I felt I had no right to be angry. But I was and couldn’t help it.
Depression and fatigue was my biggest problem with the treatments. The anti-nausea drugs didn’t work all the time I had vomited a couple of times. The metallic taste & bad smell along with the migraine headaches stayed with me for a full week every time.
One of my best friends came to one of my sessions. At the end of the day she felt overwhelmed at what she witnessed throughout the day and told me she understood a little better about what I was going through. Her gesture was appreciated and I love her for it.
My fiancé was at a loss, the poor fellow didn’t know how to deal with me anymore. He did come to visit during the Christmas holidays. (He lives in the USA) His presence made a huge difference in my attitude until he had to go back to work.
I tried praying, reading; talking it out…nothing was working for me. It just felt I was in my own world of suffering. I felt so helpless!I have always believed that our minds play a huge part of our healing. If we feel like victims for too long, we become victims. I knew I had become a cancer victim and not a cancer survivor. I felt the frustration and pain almost every day.
It came to the point where my visits to the hospital for my treatments were causing greater anxieties. Their “bed side manners” were fading and at each time they made me feel more like a cancer patient than a cancer survivor! It was becoming a nightmare dealing with some of the staff at the hospital. By my fifth session with one more to go after that, I just couldn’t continue. I made it clear to my doctor that it was going to be my last and that I didn’t care for the consequences if there were any!! I was done! My body and mind couldn’t take anymore! It was my way of taking back the control- I have had enough!. I called my fiancé and cried like a baby over the phone wanting to came back home (we live in Georgia). I was going home the following week!
I felt so much better knowing I was done with this hospital! I did however have my last chemo in Georgia. But I did put my fiancé through a bad roller coaster ride with my depressive state. We fought a lot, I picked on him about almost anything, I was like a crazy woman!
Every day was a struggle for hope. Hoping that the depression would leave, hope that I would be normal again and hoping the cancer would not return! It came to the point where I didn’t care if I wouldn’t wake up the next day! With these kinds of thoughts I knew I needed help.
So I went to discuss all of this with my doctor where he offered alternatives that would help me. One being, getting in touch with a support group here and the other, start a simple exercise program. Even though I have already thought of these solutions many times throughout my depression I was never ready to act upon it. And still after my discussion with the Doctor, I wasn’t motivated. What was wrong with me, I thought?. Why can’t I get out of this rut?
It was only 3 months after when I found this great psychologist whom herself is a breast cancer survivor. She is wonderful! She suggested I read this great book about The Fish! Philosophy. “Fish” by Stephen C. Lundin, Phd., Harry Paul, and John Christensen. It is a most inspiring book, if you get a chance look it up!
She helped me put all of my thoughts into perspective and it’s been uphill since then! Today, I have a plan, am working out everyday, eating right and looking for ways to improve my health. Even my relationship with my husband is back to normal.
So, there is HOPE, hope that your life will get back to some kind of normalcy no matter how deep your wounds are from this cancer!
I read something the other day from a survivor that I profoundly relate to and want to share it with you. She writes: “I want women to know that they are not alone, that others share their experiences, their thoughts and feelings. I think that each breast cancer survivor has to struggle to regain the part of the woman that she once was and work to accept the altered version. No woman should have to suffer in silence. There can be joy in “beginning” again—an excitement that comes from making every single minute count.”
BE BRAVE...I WISH YOU HEALTH, WEALTH & HAPPINESS. PEACE ON EARTH!
Anna
1 year breast cancer survivor
Breast Cancer- Satge II
Needle Biopsy in Bahrain – May 24, 2005
(IDC) Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, no special type – June 15, 2005
Lumpectomy, left breast – June 28, 2005
Stage II, ER+ / PR+, HER2/neu-, Grade II/III
1/7 lymph nodes +
AC/TAX chemo Nov 9, 2005 – Feb 28, 2006 (6 treatments)
Radiation April 4-May 26, 2006 (35 treatments)
free webpage
The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation
End Cancer.ca
Send E-Mail to: all4survival@yahoo.com
Copyright © 2006 Anna Gioia. All Rights Reserved