Gwendolyn , The Spiritual Journey
Thou canst not travel on the Path before thou hast become that Path itself.
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Anonymous.
Remember this: Hope Springs Eternal!
We can all walk the path together. Where two or more come together in the name of love.............
Will The Circle Be Unbroken?
Gwendolyn Martin
Throughout my lifetime I have heard the expression, “Life’s success is measured by it’s failures.” If this is the case, I am a very successful person. Allow me to elaborate on how this realization has effected the individual that I am becoming. In the following paragraphs, my experiences with religion have enabled me to come full circle. The tale begins with a small girl, innocent and loving. Next we will move into a dark and troubled youth. To complete the saga, an introduction into the realm of spirituality. This is not a made for television movie, oh no, this is my life. As I share the past and bring in the present, the profound impact of my true essence upon my consciousness will show that divine light has always been a part of me, guiding the way of the future.
It is a bright sunny day. The year is 1965. A small girl bounces down the sidewalk, heading over to the elderly couple’s house across the street from the family home. Her golden ringlets tap dance around the shoulders of her pink frilly dress. Smiling from ear to ear, she opens the chain link gate and starts toward the front door of Mr. and Mrs. Williams red brick rambler. It was dinner time, and the nice old woman always set a place at the table for Wendy as she loved a big, tall glass of iced tea and a biscuit.
By this time the little girl trusts the old couple and they take her to church each Sunday. Mr. Williams is a deacon at the Baptist church just down the street. Wendy and her “Shirley Temple Smile” are welcomed each day at the deacon’s afternoon cocktail party. He has two bourbon on the rocks every day at four, then dinner is served. One particular afternoon, Mrs. Williams has not returned from shopping and the deacon invites her into the living room and offers to read from the Bible to the little one. He asks her to memorize the twenty-third psalm. He tells her that he will reward her for doing so. Eager to please, the child begins with a fury to learn the lesson presented. After his first drink, he gently slides his hand up her dress. Then into her panties. He begins to carefully caress her genitals. Wendy goes on reading, not understanding the implications of his actions. He quietly whispers in her ear, “This is just our little secret, ok.” This goes on for another few months until one day Mr. Williams is not there when the youngster arrives on the step. The nice grandmotherly woman explains that he is in the hospital and is very sick. They sit and pray for his recovery. Two weeks later, Mr. Williams passes away.
The cute, loveable girl has now reached puberty. She still attends the little Baptist church on the corner. During a Sunday service she is moved by the love of Jesus and decides to be baptized the following evening. As is required of the Pastor, a counseling session is given before the ceremony can be performed. The minister asks her if she has ever had sex. She breaks down in a torrent of tears and explains the childhood memory. The Pastor’s face flushes and he tells her that she is lying. He screams at her that she will surely go to hell for such an accusation, then proceeds to tell her to leave. She runs out of his office and never looks back. That was the end of attending church for this teenager.
Angry with God, I was this young woman in the story. I turned my back on religion that day, thinking that no god would allow me to suffer in this way. My life turned to chaos in the following years. I turned to drugs, alcohol, and barely finished high school. Spiraling downward, I had one horrible experience after another with the “wrong “ types of men. When I turned twenty-one, I was seven months pregnant and had been abandoned. I felt so deeply alone. Two years later I met and married Al. I wanted to give my daughter a stable home. I imagined a story book life, but what I received was abuse and hardship. Finally, with no where to turn, I turned to God for help. I prayed and prayed, and no one came to my aide.
With a divorce and a promising new relationship life seemed to finally be on track. Then on October 11, 1991 life changed drastically with the near death reality of a car accident. I was left with permanent injuries to my neck, back, and a crushed foot. Again, I prayed for help. Nothing. Over the next several years I was told that I would most probably end up in a wheel chair and I had also developed a condition called psuedo-tumor, which almost always ends up in blindness. The specialists in Charlottesville put me on medication for the blindness, and the result was an all out attack on my skeleton. Sleep deprivation set in and after being on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I flushed the medication down the commode. I looked up at the ceiling and yelled to God, “I can handle blindness, not insanity. If you want me to be blind I put it in your hands.” Then I laid on the bed and fell asleep. Over the course of the next twenty-four hours I had the most amazing recurring dream. It began with me.
I was positioned on a black ledge, no walls or floor, no noise, just stillness. I notice that there seems to be a glow emanating from my extremities. My body felt strange, as if something was missing. I wondered where I was, and what was going on. Looking down at my feet I noticed that the area around me was starting to lighten up, much the way we observe dawn. The spaces around my body started to lighten to gray. I was frozen in fear and could only just observe what was unfolding around me. Now it was becoming silver, then finally bright, brilliant white. I dared not shut my eyes. Then in an instant, I am fully engulfed in thick, dense fog. A tiny circle of white, translucent light appears in front of me. It begins to expand rapidly until the disk is larger than my body. There appears a figure, I believe it is a man standing knee deep in clouds or mist. He is wearing long flowing robes, and he seems to have a full beard. His face is so bright that I cannot distinguish who it could be. He lifts his arms, and motions for me to come closer. I step off of the ledge. Instead of falling, I am able to walk in his direction. I notice that I cannot feel any pain, and my eyesight is crystal clear. I look at the bright area where a face would be, and ask the being, “Who are you?” Still there is no answer. From his brilliant purple and gold colored robes, he motions his right appendage. Suddenly I notice a golden dove flying in my direction. It becomes larger and larger until it lands and I have to look up at it to see it’s head. The bird turned to me and spoke. It said, “You wanted to know if he is real. Now you will have your answer. I am Aquilla. I walked the Earth during the times of the Apostle Paul. My wife and I were his missionaries. I know that you will doubt what I am telling you. I also know that you have a very large, very dusty old Bible in your possession. Open it to the glossary located in the rear of the text. Look it up!”
My eyes opened, and I jumped from my bed. Looking around the room, I realized that I was only dreaming. I shook my head, discounting the importance of what had just happened. But God wasn’t finished with me. It happened exactly the same way two more times that night. After the third “contact”, I started searching for the old family Bible. I found it and remember thinking that I hadn’t opened it since my early teens. When I found Aquilla in the index, goose bumps raced throughout my body. I began to tremble.
As I looked into the text, I discovered that what I had been told in the dream was in fact “real”. It was a profound moment, understanding that God is “real”.
My conditioned improved dramatically over the next week. The vision was restored to perfect and I began to study anything spiritual that I could get my hands on. I learned to meditate and listen to the inner voice to guide me to healing. This path has led me to college. But I still had to face the demons of my past. The most important one being my faith in organized religion.
After starting classes in the Fall of 2003, I became involved in the Christian Fellowship club on campus at Southwest Virginia Community College. Ironically, I was voted in as President. We were given the opportunity to participate in a spiritual retreat in Lynchburg. Thinking it was a positive experience, I signed up to represent the college. What I found myself in the middle of was 500 Baptist students and of course, the campus ministers.
The first evening after a coffee social, we were separated into groups and went off to our respective areas to meet and greet one another. Each group had a campus minister. We were asked to describe how we communicate with God. I remember thinking that if I told my story, I would be ridiculed. So when it became my turn to talk about spiritual guidance, I explained that there are many ways to hear what God wants us to know. The minister stopped me cold. He put up his hand and told the others not to listen and that I was too “new age”. I felt the knot in my throat swell up, but I was able to maintain my emotions. Upon leaving the building, my world, and all of the pain of the Baptist church came rushing in. Returning to the lodge, I sat on the steps and started to cry uncontrollably. What a mistake I had made. I didn’t belong there, and I asked God, “Why did you lead me here? Haven’t I suffered enough?” This time help came rushing in. It took the form of a fellow student and our campus minister. I explained my pain from the past. They rallied around me and counseled me back to calmness. The next morning, I awoke before the rest and quickly dressed and slipped out to watch the dawn awaken.
Rounding a corner on the trail, suddenly I witnessed the glory of my creator. The view opened from the trees as a curtain opens on Broadway. The rolling hills had a mysterious fog enveloping the soft green and brown hues. As my attention lifted to the heavens, every shade of purple, pink, orange, yellow and gold was revealed to me. I knew then why the trip had fallen so easily into play. I needed to understand that not all people can be judged by a select few. I was at peace. Packed with this knowledge the rest of the weekend I watched God do the work. He led me there to witness an awesome power, to heal, and to realize that I never was alone. The circle definitely will be unbroken.
To Be Disabled, Or Not To Be.....
I have been on disability since 1996. It has taken many years to overcome the injuries I sustained in a car accident in 1991. During my rehabilitation there have been numerous times I have wondered "why me?".
When you question your very existence and the importance of it, you pass a milestone in your development.
For me, this questioning was a catalyst for my spiritual development. And has lead me here to you.
After much soul-searching and comtemplating, I am currently awaiting to start college in the fall.
Please stick around and check in often.
There is much I will be able to share with those of you who are currently on disability. My profession will be helping others, of course, after I help myself get through red tape and government programs.
But, for me, learning through experience has been my method. I will keep journals to refer to, then when I have reached the goal of earning a living in the real world, by helping others to overcome their limits, I will write some sort of manual to share my experience and successes.
If you are interested in what the outcome is, then just tune in every few months. I'll try to keep an update at least quarterly.
This is the first day of the rest of your life, don't ever forget this.
The first semester of college has come and gone. Guess what? I am still standing!
In my hope to return to the land of the living, I have found many who are willing to help me in this undertaking. The community college where I am attending has several resources to assist those poor lost souls, like me.
After much contemplation, I have decided to start with a Bachelor's Degree in Social Work.
I had to test out with the Department of Rehabilitative Services to get the go ahead for this much college, but with faith in hand, I was able to achieve this on contract with the State.
The Universe is very generous when you are on the path.
I have found in this travel, that one only has to give up those items that are not condusive to growth. In doing this I have been rewarded by more assistance, more financial aid, and more teachers than you can shake a stick at!
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear!
On the grading front, I received four "A"'s and a "B". That alone makes me qualified to receive some additional scholarship monies next year.
If you are like me, middle aged, and looking to return to school, keep in mind, networking, networking, networking.
Get out and meet the people who run the school,
Send E-Mail to: lightworker16@yahoo.com
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Copyright © 2004 Gwendolyn. All Rights Reserved
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