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On April 28, 2003 I went to my weekly appointment with the midwife. This day was also my Mom's birthday. I was running late because of a carwreck on the causeway leading into Galveston. I always had this romantic notion of my son being born on an island, and in Texas Galveston is as close as you get. The previous day was our baby shower held in honor of Alex. I was due May 17th and counting the days til he came home. When I got to the office, I waited for almost an hour. I was becoming concerned because he wasn't as active the past few days. The midwife assured me this hapens as the baby gets larger. I had read this several places and believed in what she was telling me.
She pulled out a doppler and was having trouble finding his heartbeat, sometimes he would play hide and seek with the doctors. She left and returned with another doppler, she was still unable to find his heartbeat. I wonder if I was really listening to her. She said that she was sending me for an ultrasound, something that I was refused through the pregnancy because I was such "low" risk.
I arrived in L&D, I was going to get to see my son for the first on the ultrasound. The first nurse came in and said I will be right back. She sounded alarmed and I stopped her. She said she would be back, and just walked out. Then the doctor came in and pointed out that Alex's heart was still. The doctor began to cry and it took a minute for me to understand why she was crying. This wasn't a cruel joke, my son's heart wasn't beating. Then there were a million questions flying, from them and me. Were they sure, were they kidding, was I alone, could I call someone.
I reached my Mom first. She screamed NO which seemed to last a lifetime...Next I reached my best friend who thought I was having a nightmare, boy was she right...Then Marcus, Alex's Father was told. I still wonder how he made it to the hospital from Houston. Then I talked to Aunt CeCe...I think she was just numb, struggling like I was to understand.
They asked me if I wanted to go home or induce my labor? I just couldn't imagine going home. Then the drugs and test began. I had HELLP Syndrome. the irony is the mid-wife NEVER knew I was sick. I was "low" risk, didn't warrant an ultrasound. My Mom still says she's grateful that we both didn't die that day. The labor was sixteen hours. My son had brown eyes, wavy hair, ten fingers, ten toes, a perfect heart, and weighed 6 lbs. and 6 ounces. He was delivered on April 29, 2003 at 10:02 AM.
We were blessed to have family that was adament about a proper burial. He was buried at Mt. Olivet in Dickinson, Texas on May 2, 2004, two weeks before he was due to arrive on earth. He wore a beautiful outfit, held his baby blanket from Mucka and recieved Grandma Angela's gold cross.
After the funeral came living for the autopsy results...then they came. No cause of death was determined. My placenta was underweight, bacteria was found inside the placenta, and I was diagnosed with HELLP Syndrome while in the hospital. There is no cause of death listed on his death certificate.
I think denial carried us for so long...In the hospital I was convienced the doctors were wrong and that he would cry when he was delivered....I just knew they were wrong. Through the funeral, I was not buring my only child, my son. I was not leaving his body behind. The denial kept me rational, from giving into hysterics...as it has most of my life. Until one day it wasn't there anymore...I hit a wall so hard and so fast, I cried--I didn't cry, I was in a daze.
Someday I still wonder if I am, I wonder if I will ever be the same again, and began to understand that it was okay if I wasn't that same person anymore. I've grown and matured, I have suffered, what I feel to be the ultimate loss in life. I care and love differently now. I have a higher regard for human life and its frailty.
I will never "move on" because this means leaving my son behind. I will try to live every day fully to honor my son's memory.
While being discharged from the hospital I learned that Alex would not recieve a birth certificate. However in Texas, the Nevels are working very hard to pass legislation for a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. Please visit www.texasmissingangels.org, please sign the petition even if you are not from Texas. In the loving memory of all our babies.
Thank you for reading Alex's story and visiting his webpage. If you have a chance, stop by and sign his guestbook. He loves to have visitors.
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Alex's Story
