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LAUGHING OUT LOUD - 5
SECRET FORMULA to ACHIEVE BETTER THAN THE BEST
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If the letters:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's Bullshit and Ass kissing that will surely & certainly put you over the top!
International Diets
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and have fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
E) The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
Life's little ironies
Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.
Time may be a great healer,
but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.
If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
you grow old because you stopped laughing.
Subject: Marketing made easy
Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and get her telephone number. The next day you call
and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her
bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then
say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
ACTUAL WRITINGS from hospital charts:
> > 1. The patient refused autopsy.
> > 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
> > 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
> > 4. Note: patient here-recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.
> > 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
> > 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
> > 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
> > 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
> > 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
> > 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
> > 11. Patient had waffles for& bsp;breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
> > 12. She is numb from her toes down
> > 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
> > 14. The skin was moist and dry.
> > 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches
> > 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
> > 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
> > 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
> > 19. I saw your patient today, who i s still under our car for physical therapy.
> > 20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
> > 21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
> > 22. Skin: somewhat pale but present
> > 23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
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