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LAUGHING OUT LOUD - 3
SIDHUISM - FRESH STOCK!
He is the Badshah of Balderdash, and he is our own cricketer turned commentator Navjot Singh Sidhu. Enjoy some "Sidhuisms" that have regaled audiences and media alike:
- The ball is whizzing past like a bumblebee and our batsmen are all at sea!
- When you are dining with a demon, you got to have a long spoon.
- We'll take the cake with the red cherry on top.
- He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
- The gap between bat and pad is so wide you could have driven a car through.
- If 'ifs and buts' were 'pots and pans' then there would be no tinkers.
- Anybody can become a pilot when the sea is calm.
- One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.
- He is a wily fox. But, if we make the fox run, the chicken will become hen.
- It is not all over till the fat lady sings!
- A fallen lighthouse is more dangerous than a reef.
- You cannot ride a seat-less bicycle without getting blisters on your bums.
- He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
- A revolutionary idea is usually one with its sleeves rolled up.
- Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
- You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
- The cat with gloves catches no mice.
- If the heavens throw you dates, you got to keep your mouth open.
- The Indian tail is like a Doberman, when they must German shepherds.
- Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
- You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
- When you have a hen laying eggs you should not mind the cackle.
Our company requires no further physical fitness programs.
Everyone gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
Passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!
“la/le” COMPUTER":
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French nouns,
unlike in English, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison" and "pencil," in French, is
masculine-"le crayon", and so on.
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender
and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or
feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be feminine ("la
computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded computers should be masculine ("le
computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE
the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
MIND YOUR LANGUAGE By Barry O' Brien - Specially for the CALCUTTANs!
There were no charpokas, peepreys or haatis on the streets Wednesday before last. Except for a few mamas and mastaans, almost everybody stayed home because it was a hartal. Bouncy break-dancers and slow-moving langras also had a rest day. Near Howrah and other vantage entry points, CITU sergeants saw to it that local trains could get no further. Decibel levels fell drastically, due to the absence of the rattle of Calcutta's bone-shakers and the barking of minibus conductors. There were no cries of "Aastey ladies", "Hilakey Chalo" and "Electrikey Chalao".
If you've lost me and you're reaching for a Calictionary, stay right where you are, you'll find it on this page. Calcuttans on the street, more than any other city, have a term or a phrase of their own for everything under its scorching sun. No city can match it for orginality and spontaneity when you talk of a roadside lexicon. No other citizen in the world has the intensity, the passion and the sense of humour that the Calcuttan has. With his turn of phrase he is an Oscar Wilde, Bernard Shaw and Sukumar Ray rolled into one? Expressive, Explosive and always Exclusive.
For the uninitiated Calcuttan, here's a handy thesaurus of innovative street jargon; for the
hardcore Calcutta, it could serve as a ready reckoner:
Mama: policeman. Now you know why you need to stay away from your "Mamar-bari"!
Peeprays: auto-rickshaws who are multiplying in hundreds and bugging one and all
Charpokas: Maruti 800s
Matchbox: Calcutta's first generation mini-buses that left you hunchbacked and stiff-necked.
Haatis: double-decker buses with a 'trunk' in which the driver sits; an almost extinct species.
Langras: three-legged tempos that limp along and handicap other drivers.
Shahid Minars: speedbreakers. Erecting them has become a trend, generally after someone has been killed on the spot.
Electrikey Chalao: a bus conductor's coded jargon, telling his driver to speed-break-speed-break? in order to jerk passengers further in, since they are all crowding near the entrance.
Hechkee tulchen kano: a passenger's retort to the above.
Dada, Fevicol naa ordinary?: question asked by a 'standing commuter'(usually on a local train) to a 'sitting' one, wanting to know how far he is going. If the answer is ordinary', the 'standing' commuter will stay right there waiting to pounce on his seat; if the answer is "fevicol", he will move away to try his luck with another passenger.
Dada, kee khelchen? Test naa One day: The bus equivalent of above.
Dada, istri korey dilen?: what you tell a passenger who in his hurry to get off, stamps hard on your toes.
Dada, je akebarey daak-ticket hoye shetey galen: sarcastic comment targeting Romeos who refuse to budge from the vicinity of the ladies seats, invariably getting 'stuck', just like a stamp on an envelope
Sandow maashi: a tongue-in-cheek conductor's term describing a not-so-young lady wearing a sleeveless blouse, a la Govinda.
Half-ladies : a skinny, boyish girl in jeans and T-shirt; the conductor is in a dilemma!
Dadar kee double ticket naa kee: a passenger's caustic remark to a grossly overweight fellow passenger who is hogging the seat.
Dada, kon ration-er chaal khaan: this is another version of the rude comment above.
Aierey, forsha korey dilo: a helpless pickpocket victim's exasperated exclamation.
Dada, engine-er tuning-ta thik karaan: below-the-belt advice to a fellow passenger who is
snoring loud enough to drive the pigs to market.
Kaar badi-tey aaj moolor char-chari ranna hoyechey, dada: a subtle comment directed to whom it may concern, in a crowded bus, post a 'sudden whiff in the air'
Q: What do you call a Sikh who drinks only beer? ----JUSBEER SINGH
Q: What do you call a Sikh guy who has only one drink ---JUST-ONE SINGH.
Q: What do you call a Sikh scuba diver? A ----JULL-UNDER SINGH
Q: What do you call a better adapted Sikh diver? ---JULL-UNDER SINGH GILL
Q: What do you call a bald Sikh guy ---BALD-EV SINGH
Q: What do you call a Sikh boyfriend ---HER PAL SINGH
Q: Who is he who has many publications to his credit? ---JOURNAL SINGH
Q: What do you call a Sikh guy running towards the enemy camp with a white flag in his hand---SURRENDER SINGH
Q: What do you call a Sikh enjoying a walk in the park---RELAX SINGH
Q) What do you call Singh:
1) who drinks too much---Bho pinda Singh
2) One haired Singh---Iqbal Singh
3) Electrical Engineer--Tara Singh
4) ..and his brother---Cable Singh
5) The famous Olympic lady runner---Tej Kaur
Here you will find the top 45 oxymorons
An oxymoron is a combination of two words that are completely
opposite in meaning. You've probably heard many of
these before but didn't realize that they fall within
this category.
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt head
26. Military intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Child Proof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
....And the number 1 oxymoron is.. 1. Microsoft Works
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplused, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
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