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The Smee Webpage
"The Smee Cycle"
Stage one (Famine Alpha): Smee makes himself known to his peer group. He has lost a considerable amount of weight since his last appearance and is drinking heavily to celebrate his coming out.
Stage two (Famine Beta): Smell?s antics begin to alienate him from his own peer group. He is still skin and bones, but the heavy drinking causes late night eating binges (his favorite hunting grounds include 7-11, Taco Hell and the dumpster at Scumhills). He is drinking heavily to mask the fact that his friends are beginning to hate him again.
Stage Three (Famine Omega): Smee begins to put on weight. In his drunken haze he believes that this is muscle and he has becoming strong. In fact this is all fat (except for the three pounds of chopped beef that has fallen from his mouth into his chest hair where it has lodged itself, semi-permanently). This added weight causes the Smee to become boisterous. These loud noises are know to attract female barflies from many locations (it is believed that the vibrations from the drunker slurs of the Smee causes the fat underneath the barflies neck to jiggle. Thus, making the barfly aware that Smee is looking to mate). Many call this the ?Mating Stage?, but most just call it disgusting.
Stage Four (Metamorphosis): This is Smee?s current stage. At this point he has replaced his original peer group with a more pathetic group of alcoholic losers. Smee now feels invincible. He had recently left his seed in, on or around some fat barfly (who may or may not have been hot at one time in her life), he is the leader of his new, more pathetic peer group. He brings is inflated sense of self back to his original peer group, who for one reason or another find his drunken antics amusing. It is not long before the Smee is, again, ostracized from the peer group and metamorphoses into Feast Smee begins.
Stage Five (FBS): The FBS stage, otherwise known as full blown Smee, is the final stage before the Smee makes his exit into the elusive world of the Feast. Every year at the end of the harvest months, Smee migrates northward to Ludlow, VT for a final weekend of Jackassery. It is here that Smee makes his final preparations for the long winter season (which he will spend drinking in his basement). Smee begins to spit up on himself throughout the weekend, eventually the spittle will cover his entire body, serving as a cocoon. It is believed that this cocoon is made up entirely of vodka, as the Smee consumes little else in the month leading up to FBS.
The Feast: No one knows (or cares to know for that matter) the exact details of the Feast, we know it smells bad and that he won?t be around for at least three months and that is enough for most.
-BK
WCS Smee Theory (a.k.a. Worst Case Scenario Smee)
Imagine if you will, the pendulum on a clock. The pendulum will swing from side to side much like the Smee swings from Feast to Famine. It is a simple law of Calculus (first proposed by Isaac Newton) that the velocity of a pendulum, as it swings from side to side will, at it's lowest point (the point where the pendulum starts it's downward motion and begins it's upward motion) is zero.
Now imagine a simple rule of Physics. There is no such thing as perpetualmotion. Therefore, at some point the pendulum on our theoretical clock will rest at it's lowest point. That is, it will stop swinging.
The WCS Smee Theory combines these two ideas into a single binding theorem that states: A Smee will oscillate from Feast to Famine until it loses all energy and rests at it's lowest point. Smee is now at stuck at this point - he is the zero that Sir Isaac Newton speaks of. Without an outside force that can add potential energy to this system, Smee will remain at this point of perpetual zero infinitely. It is my belief that the only way for the system to gain such energy is a severe and utter ass beating. The problem lies in the fact that when you show up to a condo at two in the morning and
the Smee has polished off damn near a case of beer. You don't want to beat him as much as just stay away from him.
I know I may have been remiss in not mentioning the WCS Smee in my first email, but to be quite honest - you just don't want to believe that it can really happen. I know now that I should have warned you all of the possibility that WCS Smee could actually happen.
-BK
A Drunken Smee Story..
........many years ago, in a galaxy far, far away, lived a Smizle stock.
This was no ordinary Smizle Stock! This Smizle Stock had what some like
to >call a slight drinking problem.
Many believe that what makes this Stock such an interesting
creature, is the drinking coupled with the mass of stupidity yearning to
breathe free!!
On the fateful night of Saturday April 25, a night that will be
marked in the history books as possibly the most disgraceful, drunken
display of a human being, Smeezle Sleeks made his pitiful presence known
to >all of Manhattan Island!!
On this night, everything needed for a young drunk to follow his
cockeyed dreams was presented. The moons were aligned on Jupiter, the
sun
was behind the moon in such a way that the shit spouted from Uranus, but
most importantly Smeezle stone had not been out in public in weeks and
the
drink was running freely.
Our story begins when Smee is picked up by a few friends, to drive
to the city, where within a few short hours, the Smock, thought to be
sober, >will meet his real friend....Mr. Alcohol! Joe, Kieran, and
Connell
(the >Boys), left without Smee for three weeks, after what they like to
call the >Huntington Affair, are now graced with his sorry presence.
The Boys, in an attempt to get primed for their bout in the city,
pick up a sixer of the icy stuff and commence the night. When one of the
boys offered Smee a can of the sauce he politely refused, to the utter
amazement of the rest. Although amazed, the Boys were a bit proud that
the >once always drunk smee had begun to remedy his once intoxicated ways.
The car ride to Manhattan, is about thirty minutes long, plenty of
time for the boys to finish the sixpack. Everything is going smoothly
until, one of the boys (Connell) , displeased by the Smees quiet,
lackluster >performance, starts in on him. ?So Smee?, starts Connell,
?where have you >been for the last few weeks, AA? We have not heard
anything from you and >you won?t accept a beer, what the dealio?!?!?!?.
This last sentence, uttered by Connell, is what seemed to spark,
what will be heralded as Smizzles most heinous representation of the
human
life yet!!! The Pickled-Smickle?s response is returned, horribly slurred
and slowed and with a tinge of homosexuality, ?What do you mean?, Why
do
you have to say that for?. This sentence written like this, cannot ,
even
close, to describe how boxed up this boy was. Smizzle had obviously just
been paid, cashed the check, and marched straight into the liquor store,
or >should we say, floated into the liquor store, like an N on the first
of
the >month!! He had pulled the wool over our eyes once again, the can of
Dr. >Pepper, carried into the car by Smizzle Stikes, which seemed, even
smelled >like normal Dr. Pepper, turned out to be heavily spiked with
odorless
vodka!!! How could you Smee!!!
It was bound to happen.... He could not control himself!! After
three dry and lonely weeks, The Smizzle had to kick it hardcore, and did
not >once look back into the abyss of sobriety that for the 3 previous
weeks >seemed so achievable!!!!
As the night progressed, matters grew only worse! Smizzle now known
to be, shit housed and a sloppy, disgraceful mess, entered the bar,
already >stumbling and mumbling!!! At the Pub, Smookle Beans seemed to be
on a >mission from the get go to further piss on his previously shattered
image as >well as the image of the boys, which whom he came in with.
The worst, was yet to begin! Smock who for the latter part of his
raunchy life had been quite portly, was now starving himself. Thinking
he
was the incredible hulk, or Steve Decastro, you pick, he begins to start
lifting his shirt, and dropping his pants, at different intervals
throughout >the night!! Now I don?t know how many of you have spotted
Saskwatch, but >the amount of hair on this kids body was enough to stuff
the Good Year blimp >fifty times over, quite gruesome really!!
Not only was he hairy, but not too skinny either, Smickle had enough
rolls to make The Pilsbury dough boy proud!! Threatened with ass
beatings,
numerous times already, smee continued his antics and by the end of the
night he, stay seated at the corner of the bar with his pants around his
ankles, drooling and mumbling incoherently. If not for the courage of
the
fearless boys, smee would have surely been beaten inches from death,
which
now looking back, may not have been so bad!!!!
THE END
-JP-
"Things People Say while getting to know the Smee"
Stage One
Ignorance:
- Why do they call you Smee? Poor James. Where did my cigarette go? I think somebody stole $50.00 from my wallet last night. There was a 12 pack in here 5 minutes ago.
Stage Two
Awareness:
-Didn't he do that last week. I can't believe how drunk he is. I think James just took my money off the bar put it into his pocket. Does he eat every meal at 7-11. Did he drive home from the Surf Club last night?
Stage Three
Annoyance:
-Does he ever shut up. Who's bed did he crawl into last night. How drunk is Tiernan. James, don?t even look at my sister. You are more than welcome to come as long as you don?t bring Tiernan. James, stop smoking.
Stage Four
Hatred:
-He's so gross. I hate him. Shut up Smee! Does anyone like him. Go home Smee. James, I told you I was gonna hit you. If James comes to visit, he?s staying at a Hotel. What the fuck is wrong with Tiernan. Fucking Tiernan stole my cigarettes again.
Stage Five
Tolerance:
-James, take my money out of your pocket and put it back on the bar. Can I have my lighter back. You can have one cigarette, not the whole pack. James, why don?t you get first round for a change.
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