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Eight things I wish I’d known at sixteen
Women are not impressed by plasticene modelling.
Tizer is not hallucinogenic.
Nothing they teach you at school is important, unless you want a career or a rewarding inner life.
When you wake up feeling as if someone is driving spikes into your head with a sledgehammer, almost certainly your kid sister is driving spikes into your head with a sledgehammer.
Emerson, Lake and Palmer are boring.
Myxomatosis is a disease of rabbits, not a perversion you haven’t heard of.
Just hang on for another quarter of a century, and then someone will invent blogging.
Suicide is not compulsory.
Two months ago Anomalibris was unleashed upon the world by its sole prop & licensee Antropovni.
Just so you know, he’s a rollerblading anthro-ufologist in Chicago. And he’s linked to Toasty’s Futon so he’s obviously a man of taste, sentiment, steel, etc.
I once tried rollerblading but it caused the destruction of Pompeii, so I gave it up and returned to playing the bassoon with my knees.
PJR said…
Although Tizer is harmless in itself, recent research suggests that users may be tempted to experiment with harder drinks, such as Irn Bru or even Dandelion & Burdock. However, I never tried Tizer myself. I was tempted only once, when out of my head on a cocktail of Creme Soda and Ribena, but the sucrose buzz must have made my speech indistinct, since, in response to my polite request for "a small Tizer, please", I received instead a diminutive German gentleman with a spiked helmet and improbably luxuriant moustache. Shocked, I immediately offered him all my pocket money to go away. A reformed character from that moment on, I have always continued to pay my Bills promptly.
TOASTY replied…
Whereas the diminutive gentleman is now working as a department-store Santa, and devotes his day to saying ‘Ho-ho-ho-ho-hohenzollern, you contemptible little boy!’
SPINDLESHANKS said…
I've always been a bit impressed by plasticine modelling.
GEOFF said…
I was a teenage prog rocker, though more Yes than ELP - I didn't need plasticine to see off the girls.
Good to have you back, Toasty.
PJR said…
Instead of encouraging any tendency to make insulting remarks at the expense of our European partners, however Germanic they may, through no fault of their own, be, I'll tell an amusing true anecdote about a bear I used to know.
Her name was Alice. We spent many happy, innocent hours together, but our friendship had to end when she committed the social faux pas of introducing another bear, previously unknown to me, by his first name only. (as I recall, his first name was something like Deutschland). Naturally, this impropriety induced me to stride away at once, never to return to the woodland glade, pausing only briefly to snarl over my shoulder, "Deutschland? Deutschland who, Bear Alice?"
TOASTY replied…
Spindleshanks – damn. If only I’d known, I wouldn’t have had my fingers surgically removed and replaced with cocktail umbrellas.
Geoff – I remember Yes. They were single-handedly responsible for a global wave of negativity.
PJR – after two days’ hard graft in the lab, slaving to devise a comparably intricate pun on ‘lebensraum’ or ‘Horst Wessel Song’ or whatever, I yield to your superior Powers Of Futility and am now moving to Dagenham and re-training as a bouncing bomb.
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